Friendships can add so much beauty, strength and happiness into our lives. Friendships are necessary relationships that makes life amazing. However, friendships can also cause unnecessary stress and drama. Many of us have been in a situation where a friendship has become toxic. Maybe the friendship was good in the beginning, but something about the person or situation changed. Maybe the friendship has never been all that great but you believed things would improve or are constantly looking for the best in this person or the situation. Regardless of your reasons you need to limit your time or even cut people out of your life who drain your energy in negative and toxic ways. Below are the types of friends to keep a look out for and to avoid:
The Criticizer. You never seem to be good enough for your friend. Your friend cannot seem to stop themselves from negatively commenting on your lifestyle, partner, pet, job or the major decisions you make in your life. This criticism is typically not constructive and makes you feel hurt. A good friendship does provide honest and constructive criticism. A friend is usually concerned about your well-being and will offer kind, honest feedback that you want or need to hear. A good friend is supportive and kind with their delivery of their friend. However, criticism should not be happening on a constant and long-term basis. Beware a friend who intentionally criticizes you and doesn’t seem to mind seeing you hurt or upset.
The Liar. A huge red flag is a friend who is capable of lying to you. I had a friend who could not stop himself from telling stories that didn’t really seem true. The lies involved other friends doing things that didn’t happen. Things were exaggerated. This past friend would describe another friend as seeming depressed and would say things that were not true to prove their point. A friend who is capable of being dishonest is someone to be very cautious about. Friendships should be a place where you can be honest. If truthfulness is not happening, it may be time to cut off the friendship.
The Disloyal. A friend should be loyal to you. A very bad sign of a bad friendship is one where you tell someone a secret and they spill that secret to others. Another massive red flag, is someone one day being your best friend and the next day they aren’t. Friendships should involve trust and a certain degree of loyalty. Your friend should be respectful and not be embarrassed or insecure about your friendship. Your friend should have your back and you should have theirs. If you find your friend being disloyal to you, then you may need to reevaluate this friendship.
The Complainer. This type of friend is the one who complains about everything. One day she complains about the fact that she is single and unhappy. When she’s in a relationship she complains about her partner and how she’s unhappy. This friend complains about their job, friends, parents and ultimately is not very happy with their life. Being around this type of negative energy can be very destructive to your own internal happiness. You will often feel more negatively after spending a whole day with this kind of person. Everybody has hard patches in life. This is not a red flag if your friend has had a bad week or something like that. But if you can’t remember the last time your friend didn’t constantly complain, then that is a sign you may need to end the friendship and move on.
The Victim. Similar to the complainer, the victim is often unhappy with life and may be complaining about life constantly. A person who plays the victim always places blame on everyone else for his problems. A victim will blame all their issues on how they were raised as a child. A victim might feel like they can’t get a promotion because their manager and colleagues hate them. Basically a victim does not have any accountability for their own lives nor personal responsibility. When things go challenging for this friend, they will just wallow in their own misery and bring you down with them. You’ll try to help them see the light but they will continue to not understand that they have to take responsibility. Let this friend go and move on.
The User. This type of friend is the kind always asking for favors, time, money, attention and so on. This friend does NOT return the favor either. There’s nothing wrong with asking for support if the friend is able to and does return the favor. If you loan money to your friend and they never pay you back then that’s a red flag. If your friend is constantly calling you at midnight to rant about their relationship problems but is nowhere in sight when you get upset, then that’s a huge red flags. This friend is the type who enjoys your company because you are always available to them and a constant source of support. If you ask for support or give them firm limitations (i.e, don’t ask me for money anymore or stop calling or messaging me when I’m asleep) you will likely notice them being remarkably less interested in being your friend.
The Angry. Your friend is regularly yelling, screaming, cursing about everything and everyone. If you make a mistake, this type of friend loses their temper and it almost feels like they are punishing you. Vicious texts are sent and the friend may lose their temper at their own loved ones around you. You feel like you have to walk on egg shells to avoid their outbursts and have to stay silent as they curse their children and partners in your presence. You should feel comfortable around a friend and these friends will tend to drain your entire energy and leave you feeling very negatively. A friend dealing with this much anger needs to seek help such as therapy and work to address their issues. Until this happens, your friend may be someone you need to limit your time with.
The Ignorer. This type of friend is the one who you never hear from and you both live in the same town and are capable of seeing each other regularly. Please note this does not apply for long distance friendships or friends who are busy and just need to be out of touch while they get their priorities together. There’s nothing wrong if your friend has other priorities such as school, work, children or other responsibilities but this is a red flag if your friend does have the time for you but makes a habit of ignoring your messages and avoids hanging out and spending time with you. Please also note that this isn’t a red flag if your friend goes missing in action for a week or a month, but is a big red flag if you can’t remember the last time you guys have hung out or had a nice conversation. Anyone is capable of being busy and falling out of touch but if you are important to someone, they will make the time to get back in touch. A friendship can only grow with consistent communication. People reach out and make an effort if they want to spend time for you. Responding to a message takes just a few minutes. Someone ignoring you may be a sign that your friend has hanging out with you as less of a priority or a signal that they may not be interested in your friendship. You might be best asking this friend what is going on and leaving the ball in their court if they’d like to see you or talk to you again. Otherwise you’ll drive yourself crazy trying to always hang out and talk to someone and being hurt when they don’t respond.
The Manipulator. This is the friend who likes to exploit information, use it against you or others and is only looking out for themselves. This friend will gossip, exaggerate situations, lie and do whatever they can (while seeming like a good and understanding friend) to get their way. If you catch them being manipulative, they will twist their words to make it sound like it was your fault or put all the blame on you. Don’t expect any apologies from a manipulative friend. Similar to the user, they won’t give anything in return to you. Their only concern is their own self-interest. Absolutely avoid these friends at all cost. Manipulative people are a combination of almost all these types of friends and are highly toxic to your well-being. Once you recognize these traits in your friend, then avoid this person or at the very least limit your time with this person and stop being so generous to them.
The Jealous. This friend is always unhappy with your accomplishments. He will look upset when you get a promotion. He’ll remind you of the negative traits of your partner when you get engaged. He’ll give you a list of reasons why you shouldn’t go to Italy when you tell him you booked your flight. He won’t ask about your trip or look at the pictures when you return. This friend doesn’t care or isn’t happy about your successes in life or accomplishments. A friend like this is jealous and toxic. You should be able to share successes with a friend and be happy with both your accomplishments.
The Negative. A friend who is negative always complains, is depressed, pessimistic in life, unhappy and generally will make you feel pretty depressed after hanging out with them. One of the keys to living a happy and stable life is to surround yourself with positive, loving and supportive friends. A friend who is always negative will not be able to provide the positivity and support you need. You’ll also need to be very careful about stepping into a role of a therapist or constant supporter for this type of person. They may need your positivity in an unhealthy and toxic way. Encourage them to get the help they need to become a positive and happier person, and limit your time with this person as they will only suck the positivity out of you overtime and will see you as their therapist rather than a friend.
Friendships are sacred and an essential part of our lives. I don’t know what I would do without any of my friends. However, having a good support network of friends requires us all to be choosy about who we allow ourselves to be close with. You may not be able to control meeting someone who is capable of being a good or bad friend but you can control how you respond when you begin to see red flags.
If you find a friend who shows any of these traits, then get out and focus your time and energy on friends who do love and support you. These people need to focus on loving and supporting themselves before they are capable of being a good friend to you.