Being in love is amazing and the beginnings of a relationship can be an exciting time full of possibilities and excitement. However, understanding how a relationship should be can be confusing. There’s so much information about how love should look from the media, friends and loved ones who mean well. Vague statements about love are thrown around but there’s not too much detail on the specifics of what that means. There are distorted depictions of love and relationships everywhere.
Why is it important to know what love is? A great reason to de-bunk the myths of love is to not unintentionally sabotage a great relationship. Some of us are already in amazing relationships or dating the right person, but by believing in incorrect myths, you might be sabotaging a great relationship before it even begins. You might also be in an unhealthy relationship full of dependency or abuse. By understanding what love isn’t, you’ll be able to make steps to find the right partner for you and to be a great partner to someone.
Here are some myths that might be preventing you from having a loving and healthy relationship.
All you need is love. Being in love is an amazing feeling and it is certainly important for building attraction and attachment to your partner. However, to have a successful and long-term relationship you need more than just the feelings of being in love. The ideal partner should be your best friend and someone you can trust. The right partner for you will have common interests and you’ll both share similar values and morals. A relationship can’t work without communication as well. Being in love is great but you’ll need much more than love to have a happy long-term relationship.
It’s okay to lie to prevent him or her from being hurt. Keeping secrets from your partner is the beginning of the end of a healthy relationship. Not only will the secret come out at some point, and inevitably hurt your partner but you’ll hurt your partner even more by lying. We all have things that we aren’t terribly proud of. Some of us have been dishonest in the past, hurt people, made poor choices but what matters is the person you are now. To be a good partner to someone, you have to be true to who you are and part of being an authentic partner is being open and honest. What matters is who you are now and the changes you are currently making to your life. The right person for you will understand. However, don’t ruin a great relationship with lies and secrets.
Fighting means that we have a bad relationship. Nothing is further from the truth. A great relationship is one where people can disagree and resolve conflicts. The issue is not in the actual disagreement but how you communicate and resolve your disagreements. If you are always fighting and never progress or feel like you can’t communicate with your partner, then that is a sign that there is a problem in your relationship. However, if you have conflicts but tend to resolve them and feel comfortable communicating with your partner, then that is a sign of a great relationship. If you do find yourself fighting but have issues with resolving the conflict, then you may need to seek counseling. Please note that any type of verbal or physical abuse is completely unacceptable. If your partner is being abusive, then it is important for them to seek help while being single since they are not ready for a relationship.
A good relationship doesn’t take work. On the contrary, a great relationship does take work. Everything great in life takes hard work and effort. If you have a relationship that requires little effort, then you likely don’t have a fulfilling relationship. Work doesn’t have to feel like work either. We can make an effort for our partners in an effort to make them happy. For instance, if my partner has a passion and needs me to support them, I will. Sure, I may not enjoy what they are passionate about but making the effort to support a partner will make them happy and ultimately contribute to a happier relationship. You both will have problems at some point and you’ll both need to work through them. As life throws us unanticipated challenges, a good partner will be there to support and put effort into the relationship to make things work.
My partner should always know when I’m upset. Your partner may be someone you love, but they are not mind readers. Trying to wait for your partner to figure out you are upset through the use of mind games, passive aggressiveness and so on would be hurting your relationship. Think about how things are with one of your best friends. When you met your best friend were you able to know when she was upset without her telling you? Of course not! However, after many years of being friends you can typically tell how she feels and what she needs. A relationship works in a similar manner. Over time your partner may be able to tell when you are feeling upset but that can take years for them to get to that level and it also may never happen. The key to a good relationship is communication. If you are upset about something, then let your partner know. Allow them the opportunity to support you right away. You are only aggravating the situation by withholding information and waiting for them to figure out you are upset. You also risk making your partner feel like they can’t meet your expectations by assuming that they have to read your mind.
I don’t feel butterflies so I can’t love my partner. Butterflies have become unnecessarily romanticized in a relationship and have nothing to do with true love. Infatuation is usually the cause of butterflies. During the beginnings of a relationship, you might be unsure about the person and where things can be going. As you fall deeper in love, these feelings of uncertainty create a mixture of longing, excitement and drama which is what many people call butterflies. A relationship similar to an emotional roller coaster typically consists of butterflies. People unsure of the commitment of a partner or unsure if the relationship will last typically experience butterflies. True love however, doesn’t contain any butterflies. Real love does need passion and attraction but there is commitment, healthy communication, vulnerability, trust, shared values and friendship. There is no uncertainty or drama in this type of relationship because a relationship like this is stable. If you feel attracted to your partner and view them as your best friend, then that is someone you love. Just because you lack infatuation and butterflies does not mean the relationship is doomed and that the person is not someone you love. Don’t ruin an amazing relationship because you are chasing the sensation of butterflies. Butterflies don’t last long and are not mandatory to finding true love.
My partner must be perfect and live up to expectations. There is no such thing as the perfect partner, and you are not perfect either. Some of us have the belief that a partner should meet our every need. The ideal partner needs to have a certain salary, the right education, has to be happy all the time, never get upset and be a brunette too. A person should never be a checklist of the things you want and don’t want in a partner. The right person for you should be treated as an individual who has their set of imperfections and things you find very appealing.
Opposites attract and work best together. There is truth that there can be attraction between opposites. Infatuation can occur between two people who have different interests. However there is quite a bit of research out there that suggests similar people are more likely to stay together. After infatuation ends, a strong relationship needs companionship and people who are more likely to develop this type of companionship will have similar interests and values.
I have doubts about my partner, so therefore we shouldn’t be together. Having doubts and uncertainty about a relationship is normal and healthy. Before making a commitment to a partner, such as marriage, it is important to have doubts and ask yourself whether this person is really someone you want to have a lifelong commitment to. Making the choice to commit and potentially have a family with someone is possibly one of the biggest decisions you’ll make. You should question yourself and your partner and together try to figure out if a relationship can work in the long-term. However, please note that you shouldn’t constantly have doubts about your partner. If you are consistently unhappy or disappointed by your partner then that’s a sign the relationship may not be right for you. However, having doubts every so often and questioning if this relationship is right for you, especially before big milestones (living together, marriage, and children) is healthy and normal.
The right partner would want to spend all his or her time with me. Initially you might not want to be apart from your partner. The process of falling in love can cause you to want to spend every moment with your partner. However, you are your own person with your own passions, interests and support network. What attracted you to your partner was the fact that they had their own life and pursued what was important to them. Growing as an individual does not stop once you are in a relationship. The only way to grow is to maintain some independence from your partner and pursue interests that are important to you.
Love is painful. The right partner for you will not cause you pain. Unfortunately some of us are accustomed to dysfunctional relationships that involve abuse and pain. True love does not hurt and is supportive and loving. Sure, love can be very painful when it is unrequited or during a breakup or divorce but love in a relationship should not be painful. If you find yourself defending or tolerating pain from your partner, then you may need to consider leaving the relationship.
Jealousy is healthy for a loving relationship. On the contrary, jealousy is unhealthy for a relationship. Small degrees of jealousy are normal. For instance there’s not much wrong with feeling uncomfortable about your girlfriend going on a holiday with her ex-boyfriend or seeing your coworker hitting on your boyfriend. However, being jealous of every guy or girl your partner is with is not healthy. Being upset that your partner has close friendships with other people or wants time to themselves is not healthy. Your partner is entitled to have their own social life, friendships, career and to pursue their own interests. If a partner is so insecure about the people in your life or the things important to you, then that is not love since that person does not want you to be happy.
If it’s meant to happen then it will happen. Some of us put love into the hands of fate. We believe that love will magically just appear into our lives. Maybe we will be at the grocery store and that special guy will come along, think you are gorgeous and begin commenting on something you bought to break the ice. Or perhaps a friend will make sure to introduce you to your dream girl. Finding love isn’t passive. Even people who aren’t actively looking for love, find people by actively socializing and meeting new people. You won’t find the person for you by sitting at home and watching movies. You need to put quite a bit of thought into what you want in a partner and make steps to put yourself in a position where you might meet that person.
Love will complete you. The good news is that you don’t need love to feel complete or to be whole. All you need is yourself to feel like a whole person. A healthy and loving relationship should consist of two people who already feel complete. As a result, both people can contribute to the relationship with their experiences and support each other mentally and emotionally. However, a healthy relationship does not consist of dependency or feeling like you need someone in your life to complete you. If you feel incomplete, then you don’t need to look for love as a way of curing your feelings. The best way to be complete is to look within yourself and find the real reasons behind those emotions.
Myths will affect the quality of your relationships. What are some ways you have allowed these myths to guide your relationships in the past? When did you realize that these were myths and what steps did you take to allow your mind to view relationships differently? Share your comments and feedback below!