Although this might be a bit of a morbid subject, death is an inevitable part of life. All of us will encounter the deaths of loved ones at some point in our lives. This post was partially inspired by the death of two people I’ve worked with in the past. Both of them were quite young and in their early 20s. Death, like most people, affects me quite strongly. Knowing these two people died so young and tragically not only caused me to mourn their deaths but made me spend some time reflecting on my own life. Death has been something I’ve dealt with from a very young age. I’ve had many close relatives die such as my father, step-father, step-brother, cousins and so on. Unfortunately I’ve also dealt with the death of a couple of friends as well. Below are some life lessons that I have personally learned since encountering death.
Fearing death is normal. When I was in my teens I didn’t really fear death. I’m not sure exactly why that was. Maybe it was because I was so young and knew the chances of death were unlikely or because I felt I didn’t have much going on in my life at the moment. I didn’t have a family or career. Over time my fear in death changed. Sometimes I think I fear dying while other times I don’t. Regardless I think sometimes people can feel like fearing death might be a weakness, especially since it is something we all have to deal with at some point. However, fearing death is pretty normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you feel afraid of death. What matters is how you approach that fear. Continuing to work and strengthen yourself will help you move past the fear.
Life is a gift. Every day may not be full of joy and happiness, but each day you get in this world is a precious gift worth cherishing. I didn’t know my father as he had died when I was a child but what everyone says about him is that he lived each day like it was his last. He took care of himself, his friends, family, did things he loved doing, rarely made excuses and cherished the time that he had. He appreciated people and showed his gratefulness towards his loved ones regularly. Take time to appreciate everything about your day. Be mindful of each gift you have received from today whether that’s the gift of rest, relaxation, working, spending time with loved ones, investing time in a passion and so on.
Love openly and freely. A sudden death can shock our systems, especially if we have not been in touch with someone in some time or things ended on a bad note. Regardless of any negative history between you and another person, never stop yourself from expressing how much you love someone and how much they mean to you. You never know how much time any of us have in this lifetime. Be open with your feelings so that nobody can ever doubt how much you really did care. This doesn’t mean you have to deal with a toxic friendship or be around people who disrespect you. But you can continue to show love, respect and kindness towards people in your life, even if showing that kindness comes at a distance. Love is what connects us to people so be open with your love.
Don’t tolerate toxic situations. Life is too short to tolerate drama. If I could rewind time, I would have stopped myself from spending so much time caught up in unhealthy and toxic dynamics with people. Ultimately these situations decreased my personal happiness and caused quite a bit of trauma to my well-being. Staying in an unhealthy situation may feel comfortable and easy but the damage from staying in these types of relationships can be traumatic. Do what you can to get out of any toxic relationship. Life is too short to allow yourself to feel miserable. Take the courage to get out of unhealthy relationships and build a stronger you who will not tolerate mistreatment.
Grief affects us all differently. Experiencing a loss can impact each of us in different ways. The first time I dealt with the death of someone close to me, I felt numb and empty. I didn’t cry or visibly seem upset. Life continued to go as normal. However, 6 months later the grieving really hit me and I realized that I had not coped with the loss at all. Grief impacts us differently. Don’t place timelines on when you should stop grieving over a loss. Don’t be angry at yourself for not being able to cope with the situation in a way that you feel is best. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you need to and accept that getting through a loss will take a great deal of time.
You need a support network. Death reminds us of how important a strong support network is. For a long time I didn’t believe I needed anyone. Feeling like I needed support felt like a weakness. Having support in your life shows that you are strong enough to reach out to people when you need to. A support network also reminds us that there are people out there who love and care about you and want to see you happy. When dealing with a loss, your loved ones will be the people who are there for you when you most need them. Cherish your support group and don’t push them away.
People remember how you make them feel. At the end of the day, nobody really thinks about your accomplishments such as how you were published in an important journal or how you got a promotion last year. These are indeed accomplishments that are important to your life but people remember how you make them feel. People will remember that you were there for them during tough times, how you supported them, the fun memories you shared together or the times you listened to them. Try to be present in your relationships and show kindness. Even you are having a bad day or not happy with how something is going, try to show kindness and be your best self. Leave positive footprints in the lives of the people around you.
Keep moving forward. One thing that death can teach us is that life continues, even when someone you love passes. Your life may be forever changed because a loved one has died, but life continues moving forward. A person who dies wants you to continue living your life and pursuing your dreams. Plans can get derailed quite easily. Your life will never be the same now that a person has left you. However, you can continue moving forward and creating a new and different life. Nothing is permanent and lasts forever. Life is a continuous journey that is always moving forward.
Be present. What matters right now is the present and how you can spend today. I make a lot of mistakes. Many of us make many mistakes just over a year. This is okay and not the end of the world. What matters is what choices you can make now to remedy those mistakes and make better choices for the future. Today is what we all currently have so focus on be present and live for today.
Challenge your views on life. Death can put us face to face with some of life’s most difficult questions. You may not always have the answer and maybe your answers and the questions you ask change from time to time. It is important to remember that as you get older your perspective on life will broaden. Something you felt so strongly about as a young adult may not be something you support in your later years. Continue to learn and be open to different ways of seeing and experiencing the world. As you allow your views to be challenged, you’ll start to gain a stronger foundation on what you truly believe about life.
Value your experiences and memories. When someone we love dies, all we are left with are the memories, experiences and wisdom from our time with that person. Cherish the memories and experiences you share with your loved ones. Take the opportunity to reflect on an experience, positive or negative. There is usually wisdom that can be gained from almost any kind of experience.
Be vulnerable. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable can be very uncomfortable. However, being vulnerable is necessary to living an authentic lifestyle. Life is far too short to not be honest with yourself and your loved ones. Death reminds us that we have this one life to be who we are. Loss also opens up a door to show our vulnerabilities to loved ones.
Live a life free of regret. It is impossible to always make the right call, but do your best to follow what you want. If you want to try a different career, then start taking the steps to set you in the right direction. If you want to be a better partner to your loved one, then start making those changes now. Death reminds us of the finality of life and our decisions. Sadly, not many of us get second chances. You may think you have all the time in the world to get your act together or to make amends but truthfully everyone only has a finite amount of time.
Be connected. Death reminds us that there is something out there bigger than you. Embrace the connections in your life. Cherish the connections you have with your friends, colleagues, loved ones and the people around you. Connect with nature. Remember that you are alive and so is everything all around you. There is something much bigger than yourself so open yourself up to the connections around you and embrace life.
Have fun. Life is fleeting so make sure to enjoy your life, have fun, smile, laugh and have a good time.
All of us will face death at some point, but death can teach us much about how to live a full life. What are some life lessons that you have been taught from your own experiences with death and loss?