All of us can relate to a moment which makes us worried that we will always be remembered for that moment. I’ve had various moments like that in my life. Years ago I said something personal and embarrassing aloud, where an important person in my life overheard me. I was under incredible amounts of stress and should not have been speaking about that subject aloud, but I ended up hurting someone that I respected. Another time I had a bit too much to drink and ended up acting foolish and completely unlike myself. Occasionally that occurred during work events where I tried unsuccessfully to remember if I said anything inappropriate.
I kept believing that people probably felt they knew me or had me figured out from a moment that I was ashamed by. These experiences happen from good experiences too. Back in graduate school, I had published in several journals and some of my colleagues referred to me as someone ambitious and a great grad student. I was a bit worried that the expectations would be high because I had a good year with publishing. Sometimes people assumed I wasn’t a fun or exciting person based on my achievements. Due to how well and committed I was to my work and other endeavors, some people categorized me as someone who was serious and wasn’t able to let go and have a good time. Below are several lessons I have learned about not letting any type of moment define you.
A moment does not define you. All of us have moments we perceive as good, bad or nothing special enough to be categorized as one of the other. Have you ever looked back at a prior moment and perceive it differently now? For instance, one time I went on a date and felt comfortable enough to be myself, have fun, laugh, make stupid jokes and so forth. After the date ended I felt embarrassed. I felt like my actions during that date were a bit too laid back or that I came off the wrong way. Well we went on another date and ended up in a long-term relationship. Looking back on that moment, I now see that was a moment where I instantly connected with someone rather than a situation that was embarrassing. Your perception of a moment can change after days, months or even years. Focusing too much on a moment allows you to see it from only one perspective and inhibits you from letting go and moving on. After some time you may look back at the moment and perceive it completely differently than you do now. Experiences help to form you but that is not your identity.
Recently I had an old friend visit who knew me when I was 18. His perceptions of me are from those experiences he had with me many years ago. I’ve changed dramatically since then which seems to be a bit of a surprise to him. Those experiences back in college definitely helped form who I am to some degree but that’s nowhere near the whole me. Just remember that no matter what moments you have, you are not defined by those moments.
You can choose to be defined by your past. Some of us spend too much time reliving the past. You think about what if you chose a different path or if you hadn’t made that mistake, maybe a consequence wouldn’t have happened. When allowing yourself to frequently relive that moment, you might end up not realizing that you are the one giving the past power. Being haunted by your past or recounting past failures is a choice of your own doing. You will probably always remember your failures, mistakes and moments you aren’t always proud of. However, you can make the decision to not give power to those thoughts. For instance, let’s take a moment where I got a bit too drunk during a client lunch meeting. Perhaps during this time I went to work for a brief 15 minutes just to grab my things and wrap up some stuff. After this I met up with a friend and went to a birthday celebration for a little less than an hour. Then I tried to continue going out but felt too tired and went home instead.
If I gave power to relive that moment, I might start to feel paranoid about what I did during those 15 minutes at work. Did I write any emails to clients that I should not have? Was anyone embarrassed by my behavior? I might start to second guess myself and wonder if I did anything to offend my friend during her birthday party. I might wonder if my friend who I met up with thinks I’m irresponsible. Ultimately, I might focus far too much on the situation, invent scenarios that probably didn’t happen and start to think I’m the only person who has gotten a bit too drunk during a work event. Thankfully, I decided to not give that moment any power. The next day I checked my work emails and realized everything was handled well and any emails sent were appropriate. I might remember the next day that I didn’t have any actual interaction with coworkers to have made any type of impression that evening. I also might realize that I did spend time with my friend during her birthday, didn’t drink, was on good behavior and although it wasn’t ideal, I am sure she was happy for me to show up and support her on her birthday. And realistically I probably should have went home and got rest rather than continuing to go out. You can remember a moment but you don’t have to give power to the moment.
You may always remember your moments, but work to not think about them more than you have to. A moment may form your experiences from the night or give you a more positive or negative memory of the event. However, when you don’t make the choice to give those moments power, you’ll find that you rarely think about it and treat it as a moment that has given you learning experiences.
You don’t have everything figured out from a snapshot of a person. Have you ever been on a date and heard about a moment that instantly turned you off to that person? However, later on you discover other things about the person that challenge your initial impressions of them. Have you ever heard gossip or rumors about a person and started to dislike them based on the rumors and without even knowing them? Yet when you meet this person and get to know the person you realize that he or she is pretty awesome and you misjudged. The same truth goes for yourself. Try to avoid habits of believing you have a person figured out based on just a few things you know about them. As you start to practice not making hasty conclusions about other people, you’ll start to not be too harsh on yourself as well. All of us are capable of making mistakes and we should not judge or define ourselves by that mistake.
The next time you feel embarrassed, humiliated or not proud of a specific moment in your life, remember that you are not defined by the moment. You are far more than that moment. You have the choice to give that moment power or to move on and continue being you.