Change happens in all types of relationships, but friendships are often the relationships where change can happen unexpectedly and frequently. Friendships can grow and fade, or even spark again after many years of absence but realizing that a friendship is becoming distant can be heartbreaking.
When you have a close friend, it can be easy to imagine the relationship will last forever. Your best friend will always be there for you no matter what. Things will never change or if you think things change, it will be both of you changing together.
When your friend relocates, you strongly believe that you will stay in touch, call regularly and maybe you do at first, but the calls slowly decline and it’s been months since you last heard from them.
Maybe your closest friend is going through a life change right now such as having a child. You believe that you can still keep in touch with your friend and make time for each other, but eventually it feels too hard to maintain the friendship.
An important event can cause critical change too. The way your friends act during a huge event such as a wedding can often give you an idea on who your true friends are. Your friend who is getting married may act incredibly selfish which can cause you to want to distance yourself. Or a friend who makes ridiculous excuses to not be at your wedding can show you that this really isn’t a friends.
Friendships have always changed for me especially since I moved out of my hometown the moment I was eighteen and went off to college. Surprisingly, I’m still good friends with a couple of people from high school. In many ways, we aren’t as close anymore but I can still see them and can be completely myself around them. The friendship has evolved in its own ways.
I still have a couple of close friends from university. I have friends where when we met, we weren’t initially close but the friendship has grown and strengthened over time. At first, we felt we didn’t have much in common but due to random circumstances, our paths crossed again, and the friendship sparked and grew from there.
I also had friends where I thought we had so much in common, were super close and I felt like I could really open up around these people. Then for reasons I still don’t know, the friendship faded. I tried to keep the connection in the best way I could, but either the effort was unbalanced or the connection felt forced.
Other times I was the one distancing myself from the friendship. Usually it was because I felt the effort was one-sided and I didn’t feel like there could be a healthy friendship with balance. Other times it was due to a change in our personality or lifestyles where I felt we had little in common anymore.
I’ve also had a couple of friends who suddenly and unexpectedly disappointed me which made me want to distance myself from them immediately. This can often happen when you find out a friend lied to you or betrayed you. Or you might realize that a friend was using you or never valued your friendship.
Fortunately, I have a few close friends in my life who will always be there for me regardless of the obstacles or circumstances. I have a friend I talk to several times a week online and see pretty much every time I visit my hometown in the States. I have high school friends where we may not speak to each other regularly but can pick up where we left off whenever we see each other in person. And I’m building solid friendships in Australia.
But how can you cope with the close friends that change or fade? What happens when your close friend suddenly has excuses to not see you as much anymore or you struggle to find things to talk about?
What do you do when you find yourself unexcited to see a friend anymore and you feel bad about that?
What do you do when you realize someone you really care about doesn’t value your friendship and doesn’t want to make an effort?
How do you cope with feelings of annoyance and disinterest in a person you used to call your best friend?
How do you balance your friendships when you feel your life and priorities are changing?
Dealing with friendships changing and fading can be tough but there are ways you can cope and deal with the situation.
1. Accept that friendships will change. When you are younger and have less priorities, it’s much easier to maintain friendships. You see them regularly, share parts of your lives with each other, have inside jokes and always have an opportunity to catch up.
The difficulty in friendships usually arises as you get older and change due to priorities or life circumstances. You might notice in college; high school friendships start to change. As you go into the workforce, other friendships fade. This continues onwards as you relocate, find a partner, have children, find new hobbies and so forth.
A changing friendship isn’t always a bad thing either. Your expectations just become more flexible and realistic. You might accept that you will be out of touch with friends once they move overseas. And maybe the friendship will continue once you see them again or maybe it won’t.
Your definition of a close friendship may change too. I used to believe that the best friendships were ones where we had many things in common, shared interests and generally could just do everything together. Although all my friendships have shared interests on some level, I realize my best friendships involve support. A great friendship is one where I can be myself, feel comfortable, safe and feel supported and loved.
I also used to believe that a best friend was someone that I spoke with often and saw at least once a week. I now realize that the best friendship are based on quality and not quantity. It’s great to have a friend that you see and talk to often, but it’s even better to have friendships filled with quality and authentic connections.
People change too. A friendship changing may be the thing you need to grow in your own life. A friend who encourages you to participate in toxic behaviors, may be a friend that you need to let go of.
A friend who doesn’t support you and makes you feel worthless, is not a friend you should have anymore. A friend who tries to hurt and cut down the people you love such as your partner or family, is not a friend worth having anymore.
A friendship changing doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It could mean that you need to relax your expectations and accept your friend may drop off the map when they have a child, get married, relocate to another area or attend graduate school. You can remain friends but may need to accept that there will be times where you both don’t communicate regularly.
Having flexibility that a friendship changing doesn’t have to mean the end of a friendship, can help you focus your energy into other great relationships in your life. When your friend is ready to be back in your life, have faith that everything will flow naturally and work itself out as you prioritize spending more time together.
When you find yourself feeling negative or hurt by a friend, then it’s time to accept that this friendship isn’t working for you. Yes, it hurts to accept a friendship is changing for the worst but for your own well-being you must learn to let go of friends who shouldn’t be in your life right now.
Work on accepting that having friendships means that friendships can and will change over time. Sometimes friendships fade, grow, evolve or spark again after long periods of distance.
2. Appreciate your friendships for what they provide. Friendships do provide joy in very different ways. There are friends who are difficult to have a close conversation with but can make us laugh hard and give us memorable nights of fun.
There are friends we rarely see but share joyous experiences with several times a year. Some friends we may only see due to a shared passion in karaoke, rock climbing or some other hobby.
Be grateful for the friends you do have, even if the connection has changed. There is something amazing about your friendships so appreciate what that specific thing is.
For instance, I have a friend that I realized has no interest in catching up with me one on one. She also doesn’t seem to care about learning personal details about my life. I’m still going to be her friend but am happy to only see her at social events with mutual friends.
She is fun to be around and certainly brings excitement and joy to social events. I enjoy spending time with her, but have realized that we are not close friends at all and work best in situations that involve other people.
Instead of focusing on how things have changed or the loss you feel from the friendship, focus on what remains and is still strong within your friendships. Appreciating your friendships for how they truly are will help you remain in the present and enjoy the connection you have with this person.
A friendship doesn’t have to be perfect. A person doesn’t have to be not only your best friend, but the person you see every weekend and can share your most intimate details and laugh hysterically with. Accept that the friendship may change but there are still awesome things about your friendship.
3. Work on strengthening your inner happiness. When a friendship fades, part of the pain can come from not knowing how you will spend your time, who to share your problems with and missing general closeness with others.
By looking inwards, you can focus your energy on taking care of yourself when some of your closest friends aren’t available.
When moving to Australia, I found myself missing important friendships from back home and missed having people that I could spend my free time with. Instead of focusing on what I was missing, I worked on making myself happy.
I used my free time to explore hobbies that seemed interesting. When I needed to relax, I would read books, watch movies or catch up on a good TV show. I worked on making other friendships to help occupy my time.
You don’t have to find all your support from other people, nor should you. Having close friendships is wonderful but there will be times in life where you must focus on how be a best friend to yourself.
You must remember that no matter what is happening with your friendships in life, that you are always in control.
4. Set healthy boundaries in your friendships. I tend to be a giver in many of my relationships and am reliable, trustworthy and typically always there to lend a helping hand.
I’ve had to learn the hard way that there are times where I need to step back and not be so accommodating. Giving in a friendship can be great, but sometimes there is an imbalance in the friendship. I can’t control my friend’s behaviors but I have complete control over how much I want to offer in my friendships.
Another tough lesson I had to learn was identifying and accepting when a friendship was imbalanced. I may love my friends and wish for there to be closeness but a friendship is a two-way street. My effort alone, cannot make a friendship thrive.
To prevent myself from overinvesting in a friendship, I learned which friendships were one-sided and stopped making as much of an effort.
Recently I had this realization about a friend who I value tremendously and I enjoy spending time with her. However, organizing a time to catch up with her has always been a challenge. The time we spend together has dwindled over the past year.
I invite her to events, and occasionally she attends, but I feel like I’m the only one carrying the connection. In the past, I might have continued to try hard to see her and maintain the closeness of the friendship.
I realized that there was an imbalance and that my friend didn’t seem to care about making an effort to catch up. Instead I decided to just see her at group events and if she ever wants to catch up, she can make the effort.
Now I’ve set some healthy boundaries and only invite her out a few times throughout the year. If she would like to see me more often, the ball is completely in her court.
Having boundaries in your friendships allows you to focus your energy and time into the right people. As friendships change, it’s important that you recognize when you are doing too much in a friendship or need to make more of an effort.
5. Have healthy requirements for your friendships. Be honest with yourself about what you want in a friendship. Because what happens if a bad friend wants to be in your life again? What if a friend suddenly reappears after going off the radar for weeks or months?
You might feel tempted to just keep having them around as a friend but is the friendship worth your time at all?
Nobody knows the answer except you but there are things you must figure out before proceeding with forgiving your friend and going back to normal. Also keep these requirements in mind when making new friends.
Take into account how you feel about this person. Is this person supportive, appreciative or makes you feel good about yourself? Or do you feel judged, unappreciated or like the person doesn’t really want the best for you?
Can you be yourself around this person? Or do you feel like you act differently around this person or are even embarrassed to be yourself around this person?
Is your friend reliable? Do you feel like this friend is responsive and makes an effort? Or do you find yourself always being the one trying to stay in touch and making most of the effort? Do you feel like your friend would be there for you when you need them to be?
Make some healthy, non-negotiable requirements for your friendships. Staying true to those requirements will help you not allow bad friends back into your life or to stay away from people who probably wouldn’t be good friends in the first place. Plus you can prevent yourself from chasing after a friend who doesn’t value you.
A change in your friendships can be a heartbreaking experience and can sometimes hit you harder than the end of a romantic relationship.
The best thing you can do is grieve the end of a friendship, whether the friendship is over entirely or the relationship has changed in a significant way.
Remember that even though this friendship has changed, that you can be happy and find peace within your life. View this change as an opportunity to open your heart to other friendships and other things that add happiness and value to your life.
Life moves forward. Just because an important friendship has changed or faded, doesn’t mean life stops moving forward. Stay positive and remember that you are okay and things will get better with time.