Many of us have overcome the fear of things not working out. We take the plunge and give it our best shot. However, in some cases, no matter how hard you try, things just don’t work out. That’s how I felt in several experiences during my lifetime. Within my love life, I’d try everything to get a relationship to work, often feeling like I was putting in more effort than the other partner. I’d forgive, put up with nonsense, try different techniques but nothing seemed to work or make the situation better. With my work life I’d make a solid effort. I’d go to work with a smile on my face (even when I felt not so great on the inside), work very hard, offer to help, stay back late and yet nothing moved within my career.
Often times I found myself clinging to unhealthy situations because I didn’t want to lose the illusion. I figured maybe if I gave it an extra several months, things would get better. Everything would work out as it should. If I try very hard then things have to work out. Sure, maybe in some scenarios things can work out but often we have to know the signs of when it is time to accept that things just aren’t going to work out.
Below are some signs that things just aren’t working out.
You feel like you have tried everything but nothing has changed. Change can take a long time and can be a slow progression, but you should see some change. For instance, writing in this blog has taken time and any change on page views or visitor counts is very minimal on a daily or weekly basis. However, when I look at the history over years I can see that I’ve my visitor count has increased over time. However, if you find yourself investing in a business or relationship that is not changing, then it may be time to let go. I’ve been involved with someone whose feelings for me seem to not have changed for years. As heartbreaking as this was to accept, I had to accept the fact that things are going nowhere with this guy.
Your health has deteriorated. Something is going wrong if you are finding yourself tired, stressed, depressed and feeling unhealthy all the time. Maybe you’ve invested so much energy, time and money into a new business for years that you have nothing left over for yourself. Your business isn’t growing as you intended and you are losing sleep, feeling stressed and depressed constantly. If you find yourself feeling worse as a result of trying to keep things going, then that may be a sign that it is time to let go.
You keep having the same issues. Reoccurring problems can be a sign that things just aren’t going to work out. If you keep having the same arguments with your partner and the conflict is never resolved, then things may not be able to change. If therapy and trying to really work things out hasn’t helped, then this could be a sign that the relationship is not meant to be. Please note that sometimes the way you are working at the issues could be the problem. Before thinking things aren’t going to work out, see if you need to change your approach or do something different. Sometimes issues can be easily resolved when looking at a problem from a different angle or seeking personal help such as therapy. However, if you’ve tried different techniques to resolve your problems and nothing seems to resolve the conflict, then this can be a sign that things aren’t going to work out.
You don’t invest in your core values. You value your family but you have no time for your family anymore. You love your partner and want the relationship to work, but you can’t balance your relationship and career. You want to have a successful career but you find yourself doing things that are unethical and you feel miserable as a result. You’ve list sight of your values and goals. When you aren’t investing in your core values, then that is a sign that you may be pursuing something that will not add meaning or happiness into your life.
Your vision is different from a business partner or a romantic partner. If you have a business and you see it going in one direction but your partner does not, then that may be a sign that it’s time to move on. The same goes for a romantic relationship. You want children but your partner doesn’t. Your partner wants to get married but you don’t see yourself with that person in the long-term. Differing visions can be a sign that it may be time to let go of a partnership or relationship.
There is abuse. If you are in a relationship or friendship that is toxic and full of abuse then it is time to let go and move on. Signs that the relationship may be beyond repair is if the relationship involves lying, secrets, cheating, verbal or physical abuse, and manipulation.
When things don’t work out, that’s perfectly okay. Give yourself a big hug for trying and remember there are gains from taking a risk and not having it work out.
1. Don’t take it personally. Things not working out doesn’t mean you are a failure. Often times it really isn’t a direct reflection on you. Try to stay positive and realize that some things are indeed out of your control. You may have been a great girlfriend to someone but maybe this guy wasn’t a good match or maybe the timing was really bad. You are a great candidate for the job you want, but maybe you didn’t get this job because there was a candidate who had something that company was specifically looking for.
2. Be accountable. Take personal responsibility for the part you played in things not working out. You don’t have to beat yourself up for it and live in regret. However, you do need to be accountable for things that could have gone better. Perhaps you should have spent more time working on your resume and cover letter. Maybe you should work on self-love and invest in therapy or a life coach. Perhaps your business could have gone better if you had done more research, enlisted help, accepted support from loved ones. Taking personal accountability will allow you to move forward and empower you to make better choices next time.
3. Learn life lessons from the situation. By taking a risk, you gain knowledge and experience so that you can do better next time. A failed business doesn’t mean you’ll never be a successful business owner. By taking the risk, you have probably learned what does and does not work when owning a business. If you do try to own a business again you will probably have a better understanding of how to approach this new venture. Failing at relationships means you might be able to look out for the red flags next time or work to be a better partner for the next relationship.
4. Gain new perspectives. Albert Einstein stated the following, “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Things not working out can be a great way to reassess your approach. Think about unhealthy habits that need to be dealt with or ways that you are sabotaging your own happiness. Take time to discover what barriers you are creating for yourself. By opening up your perspective, you may be able to work things out in the future. For instance, searching for jobs in a different area may present you with new career opportunities. Working on yourself and knowing what you want may help you attract the right partner. Changing bad habits for good may be the step you need to achieve your goals.
5. Reach out to support groups. Not having things work out can be very hard. Reach out to your support network for help. By reaching out you’ll realize that you aren’t alone and that there are other people who have been through similar situations as you. Your support group is a great way to get new perspectives and ideas as well. Last year I was feeling pretty bad about my job situation. I felt my job was going nowhere and pretty much felt lost in my career. By reaching out to a friend, I realized that I had lost perspective on what really mattered to me. Instead of getting hung up on my job situation, I focused on other things that are valuable in my life. I invested more time into learning new skills so that I’ll be more marketable when I apply for new jobs. I incorrectly focused on my job as a source of meaning and happiness. In actuality there were other things that provided more meaning to my life that I could focus on now.
6. Work on yourself. When things don’t go according to plan, now is a good time to start working on your own personal development. Things not going to plan can make us feel like our lives are over or that we are a failure. Get yourself back on track by pursuing things that you love and want for yourself. Sign up for the language course you’ve always wanted to do Fulfill your travel goals by booking a holiday somewhere exotic. Get yourself into therapy to help resolve feelings of low self-worth and negativity. Develop a lifestyle of healthy eating and regular exercise so you can feel and look great. As you focus on working on yourself, you’ll realize that you have control over your life and your well-being. You’ll realize that you will be okay even when things don’t go according to plan.
7. Sometimes things do work out when you move on. In some cases, clinging onto an idea of how things go prevents things from working out organically. By letting go of an idea that something needs to happen now or in the way you have thought it should, things end up working out anyway. For instance, maybe you’ve been applying for your dream grad school programs but you continually get rejected. You’ve wasted money and time but you cling to your dreams of going to grad school. It is possible that once you let go of the idea, you will achieve this dream from a different path. Maybe getting more work experience, additional time to study and more time to pursue other interests will create an environment for you to be a better candidate when you apply next time. Perhaps you need more maturity, knowledge and work experience before going to grad school. Same thing can apply for personal relationships as well. Clinging onto a romantic partner and pushing your hopes and dreams for the relationship, may push away your partner. By letting go of the relationship and moving on, you allow your partner the space to think things through, envision their life without you in it, and possibly realize that they do want to be with you and make things work.
As hard as it feels, things not working out happens to all of us at some points. Many of us have things in our lives that didn’t happen the way we planned or not at all. Life can be unpredictable and that’s alright. In what ways have you coped with not having things go according to plan?