The message to not settle is quite strong in many societies. When I was a child, I had heard people give the advice to never settle in any way. Don’t settle for a job, for a dull life or with a comfortable partner. In my head, I was intent to never settle. I had my life all planned out. I’d be in an amazing career doing something I loved and that benefited others. I would travel all around the world and obtain new experiences. I’d meet a guy similar to me. He’d be ambitious, hard-working, educated, attractive, kind, similar to me in age, loving, a love for travel, passionate, introverted and so on. Anyone other than this type of guy would be settling to me.
Many of us have this idea in our heads of what the ideal partner looks like. The ideal partner may vary significantly depending on the person. Some people only want a partner who looks a certain way, comes from a specific ethnic or cultural background or a person who makes them feel like it is love at first sight. Other people need excitement and butterflies while other people must find someone that is a perfect fit based on what their family wants for them. The traits we are looking for may be a necessity while other traits are nice to have.
The issue with the idea of settling is it is difficult to know when we are settling. Are we settling if we meet someone who doesn’t give us the sparks and excitement, but feels like our best friend, is someone we trust, have a healthy sex life with and shares similar values? Are we settling if we find a partner who meets everything we want but doesn’t fulfill one or two things on our checklist? Are we settling by chasing after partners who make us feel excited and dismissing all the other partners who don’t? Are we setting by staying in a relationship we have invested energy and time into even though we don’t enjoy being in the relationship anymore?
The same feeling goes beyond relationships too. Are you settling if you love your job but can barely pay the bills? Are you settling if you enjoy your work but are working overtime and never get time for your family and other priorities? What if your job pays extremely well but you hate it? Or what if overall you like your job, pay is good, and you have nice benefits but you still wonder if there’s something else you should be doing.
Below are some ways to help you identify if you are settling in your relationship. If you are single, these tips will help you realize if you are spending time investing into the wrong person for you or need to look elsewhere to find the right person.
1. You might be settling by chasing after the partner who makes you feel excited. Many of us can relate to falling hard for the wrong girl or guy. A guy meets a woman who makes him feel in love and excited but she plays hard to get. She’s often not reliable, sometimes lies to you, reluctant about communicating her needs to you and ultimately ends up cheating on you. Or a woman meets a player who fits all her traits and he makes her feel amazing. She dates him believing she is the one who can change him and make him fall only for her. However, he never has time for you and ends up disappearing on you suddenly and never answers your calls or messages. Many of us can relate to going after a person who made us feel head over heels, but was ultimately a bad match for us. Because we were chasing this fantasy, and passing up amazing people in the process, we were ultimately settling for a mythical person who didn’t end up treating us very well anyway. Often times we prioritize traits such as feeling intense chemistry and looking good on paper over other attributes such as kindness, reliability and a person who genuinely cares about us. Think about your past relationships or dates. How many of these people did you have intense chemistry with but the people didn’t care for you in the way you would hope a life long partner would? Many of us mistakenly feel that settling is simply going for the guy or gal who doesn’t make us feel excited or doesn’t fit our list of traits. Yet many of us pursue a person unaware that we are settling if we accept bad treatment from a partner.
2. You might be settling if your relationship doesn’t bring you joy. A great way to know if you are with the right person is if you genuinely have fun and enjoy the company of your partner. Be honest with your assessment of happiness. In an unhealthy relationship I would try to convince myself I was feeling happy. Negative events would replay in my head but I would push them aside and focus on the positive events. When you are in a good relationship you don’t have to do any convincing that you are happy. You don’t say things like yeah the first few years were rocky and painful but the last month has been great, and I’ve been happy with the relationship the past month so therefore I’m in a joyous relationship. Relationships aren’t always full of happy moments but overall you should feel joy in the relationship. You should feel like you are content, peaceful and can have fun with your partner. Again, healthy relationships aren’t just about the good times, but overall you should feel happy and content in the relationship. Assess if your relationship ends up making you feel emotionally drained or makes you feel resentful. Be honest with yourself and assess the relationship overall and not just based on how the last week has been going.
3. You might be settling if your priorities are not straight. There can be so much misinformation and misunderstandings about love. We have a list of what we want in a partner but many of us forget to rank that list in terms of importance. A few years ago I thought about what I really wanted in a partner. Some things were superficial such as not wanting to date a guy more than a few years older than myself while some were absolutely essential such as wanting a partner who is my best friend. I had all these items I wanted in a partner but never went about ranking them in importance. Once I did, I realized that what was most important to me was a man who was my best friend, shared similar values to myself, was honest and who I could have fun with. There are other things on my list but those are less important. Meeting someone who made me feel instant chemistry was much lower on the list and could be negotiated depending on the guy. Try to think about what you want in a partner and instead of treating all those traits as non-negotiable and equal in importance, start to rank them. Start with the things that are essential to you then break the list down into things that are nice to have but not necessary. You may find that finding a woman who shares the same values, makes you laugh and is passionate about something in her life are your must haves. However, although you’d like her to be fit and healthy, it isn’t necessary she goes to the gym as much as you do nor is the physical type you typically go for. You may find that kindness and a partner loving you are far more important to you than chemistry.
4. You might be settling if you sacrifice too much of yourself for a partner. A healthy relationship requires balance. A relationship may not be completely balanced at all times, but there is balance. A good relationship rarely consists of a giver and a taker. In the past, I’ve been guilty of being very giving and not realizing that that is a sign of settling. I ended up trying to change myself to accommodate my ex-partner’s needs and desires. There was very little compromise in the relationship. Be careful of this dynamic since it can feel normal to be the giver after awhile. You might develop bad habits such as always paying for things, always planning trips, always sacrificing yourself, always losing in the arguments and always being the one who has to forgive and forget. As a result, you accept that you are happy with these circumstances when in actuality you are unhappy about the dynamic.
5. You are settling if you continue to give too many chances. All of us are capable of making mistakes in a relationship. However, constantly forgiving your partner for huge mistakes such as cheating, lying or emotional or physical abuse is only hurting yourself. Do you find yourself hiding what happens to you out of shame? You want your friends and family to like your partner so you hide the truth about her indiscretions from your family. You have little to no trust left in your partner but you are afraid to let go. You feel like you are dependent on your partner and you keep hoping that things will change but your partner continues to make mistakes and has done little to regain your trust. Staying in a toxic relationship will continue to hurt you tremendously and is pretty much a guarantee that you are settling for the wrong person.
6. You are settling if your partner doesn’t want the same things as you. You might genuinely love your partner but assess if you both share the same life goals. For instance, do you both want children? Maybe you want a family someday but your partner does not want children at all. Staying in a relationship and hoping that your partner will change their mind is often unrealistic. Also you are not respecting the desires of your partner if they do want something different to you. Recently I had a friend end a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. They both came from very different backgrounds and had largely different life goals. There was also an age gap that bothered him slightly. He had come from a poor background, was very independent and took his career and education seriously. He also had a child and was focused on being a good father to his child. The woman he was dating did not work, always borrowed money from her parents, lacked independence and was more interested in partying than being a mother. Eventually he realized that although there was chemistry and they had a wonderful time together, that ultimately they wanted different things out of life and their relationship could not work. When big issues can’t be compromised then that is a big sign that you would be settling by staying in the relationship. A partner should support your choices and ideally have the same values. For instance, your partner may not have a desire to travel around the world but he will not stop you from seeing the world and fulfilling your travel dreams. That doesn’t mean your partner will join you, but you both can work through and compromise. However, if you are with a partner who is fundamentally opposed to seeing you travel and cannot support you, then there is a big disconnect with your partner.
7. You are settling if you fear leaving because you have invested too much time and energy into the relationship. A break up can be scary when you have been together for years, experienced much together and you just can’t let go. To understand if you are settling for this reason you really have to look in the mirror and be honest about your fears. Are you in the relationship because you want marriage, children but are getting older and are scared of getting back into the dating game? Perhaps you are already married and have children but have no joy? Are you scared to rock the boat and suggest couple’s counseling or other measures to decide if the relationship is still worth pursuing?
Settling happens when you don’t honor your own happiness. You can be settling for bad behavior due to wanting the perfect partner who doesn’t necessarily love you or even want to be with you. You can also be settling due to fears and not wanting to be single and approach dating again. You may also feel unworthy of love. Your worth and identify begins with you. As you develop strong self-love you’ll start to give yourself the love you truly need. As a result, you will be less likely to accept poor treatment from a partner or hold onto a partner out of fear.