Personally I’m not the biggest fan of “I’m sorry” as a statement. A teacher during high school once told me that she viewed the words “I’m sorry” as an insincere statement. At the time I didn’t quite agree with this statement but over the years I have come to understand how over apologizing can seem flippant, thoughtless and outright annoying. The phrase “I’m sorry” rarely applies to situations that do deserve a heartfelt apology and are often overused in situations that don’t require an apology in the first place. Saying sorry can also be incorrectly used during very tense situations such as a loved one dying, during an illness or losing a job. Although the statement may have a good intention, an incorrect usage of the phrase can cause negative emotions within another person.
Saying sorry too much can make you at risk for looking indecisive, not confident in your decisions or could be a sign that you feel uncomfortable about asserting your authority. The negatives of over-apologizing don’t end there. By saying sorry too much you can negatively influence the way you feel. Accepting fault for things that aren’t really your fault can make you feel frustrated and upset. You might become resentful by apologizing too much, especially for things that aren’t really your fault. You might even start to feel weak or inferior to people when you take the role of saying sorry too often.
There are some effective strategies to help break the habit apologizing. Below are 7 tips and strategies to help prevent you from over apologizing.
1. Don’t apologize when it isn’t necessary. Having a habit of saying “I’m sorry” too much can minimize the impact of when an apology is needed. Do you have a friend who apologizes for everything? He’ll apologize for not hearing you, for you doing him a favor or for not doing anything at all. A person who apologies for unnecessary things can come off as really annoying, and when an apology is necessary, the “I’m sorry” won’t have any impact at all. Save your apology for when it matters and not as a force of habit.
2. Don’t apologize for someone treating you with disrespect or negativity. Never apologize for voicing how you feel and for setting boundaries. If you find out someone is lying to you, the last thing you need to say is, “I’m sorry but you hurt me and I can’t be around you right now.” I understand that establishing boundaries can be tough for some of us who have a hard time standing up for ourselves but never use an apology as a way to moderate a situation. If someone is disrespecting or hurting you, then let them know and don’t apologize for asking someone to treat you with kindness and respect.
3. Find alternate and appropriate ways to say you are sorry. I struggle with saying sorry myself. One strategy that has helped me with not saying sorry as much, is using different terms to better represent what I actually mean. For instance, if I can’t hear someone on the phone, instead of apologizing, I’ll just say, “Do you mind repeating? I couldn’t quite hear you.” Instead of saying sorry for things that don’t require an apology, get in the habit of saying a different phrase that accurately represents how you feel. Changing a habit of apologizing too much is gradual so be patient. Over time you’ll develop a habit of using different phrases that accurately reflect how you feel.
4. Learn to show gratitude instead. People who over-apologize often do because they feel that someone inconvenienced themselves to do something nice for them. For instance, I am having a few friends stay at my place while they visit Sydney, Australia for the first time. When I told one of my friends this, he replied with “I’m sorry for inconveniencing you, I can get a hotel.” The statement was a bit frustrating to hear as I wouldn’t have offered my place if I felt that having my friends stay over was an inconvenience. Instead I would have appreciated a “thank you” instead. Get in the habit of saying thank you and returning the favor instead of saying sorry. Saying sorry for someone doing something nice for you can affect a person negatively making them feel guilt or like they have to spend time trying to reassure you. If you do feel bad that someone did something nice for you, then return the favor. Do a kind favor in return or give them a small gift as a token of your appreciation.
5. Don’t apologize for being yourself. Saying sorry for your personality is completely unnecessary and will only lessen your self-confidence. These scenarios often happen when we don’t look our best or do something that we perceive as silly or embarrassing. For instance, maybe you come in from a rainstorm with your hair wet and apologize for your hair being wet. Or maybe you apologize for being sick. Perhaps you apologize for a very tiny mistake like stuttering over your words. Whatever the reason, don’t apologize for the way you look or for tiny mistakes that nobody is even thinking about except you.
6. Apologize for your role. When you do need to apologize, only apologize for what happened. For instance, if at work a project completely gets messed up and as a result your manager arranges a meeting with you and your colleagues to go over what happened. Own up to your mistakes and apologize for your contributions to the mess up but don’t apologize and accept responsibility for actions that had nothing to do with you. When you apologize for more than you are responsible for, you are feeding into someone’s ego that you are wrong and they are always right. You also don’t paint an accurate portrayal of yourself to someone. You’ll look like you messed up far more than you did, and you will feel resentment as a result.
7. Speak with your actions rather than your words. When you do something that does deserve an apology, the best way to handle the situation is with your actions. Instead of getting into the habit of apologizing, get into the habit of doing something instead. If you messed up a relationship with one of your clients, do better next time. Show them with your actions that their service is valuable to you. Offer them a discount for the next project and fix your mistakes. If you did something that hurt a friend, then identify what you could do better next time. Apologize to your friend and do your best to not repeat the same mistake. The best apology is the one spoken through your actions.
Apologizing too much is a habit worth breaking. When an apology isn’t necessary, you are only coming across as someone trying too hard to be nice or are potentially making someone feel guilty. When you find yourself apologizing too much, you need to work on your confidence so that you can actually respond to situations appropriately. Find more appropriate words to respond to a situation and identify when a situation needs an apology or not. If a situation does require an apology, then apologize sincerely and use your actions to apologize rather than relying on an apology to make your point.