Many of us can relate to having a family member that drives us crazy and is in many cases very toxic to our lives. Sometimes you don’t even realize how toxic a family member is to your life, because this is your family. You were probably raised by this person or spent the majority of your life with this person and might want to see the best in your family. On some level you probably really want to get along with your family member or really wish things could be different. You may not even have realized how much stress and negativity this family member has caused to your life because you are accustomed to it.
Look for these signs to know if a family member is toxic to your life.
- You feel like your family doesn’t support your life choices. Your parents don’t approve of the person you have chosen to love based purely on superficial characteristics such as their sex, ethnicity or their income. Your brother is always criticizing your choices for a career and is constantly reminding you of how they think you have failed. The aunt you rarely see always makes you feel horrible about yourself just because you have chosen to not believe in a certain religion. Your life decisions are very important to you and personal to you. Your family doesn’t have to understand and agree with your life choices but your family should certainly respect the choices you have made. A toxic family member will often not support you and even go as far as to make you feel like a terrible person for making choices that are central to your lifestyle.
- Your family makes you feel bad about yourself. Nobody is perfect and it’s normal for a family member to hurt your feelings at some point even if the relationship is overall healthy. It’s okay if misunderstandings happen from time to time and something hurtful is said occasionally, but a family member should never make you feel consistently bad about yourself. A toxic family member will typically make you feel guilty, like a failure or constantly notices your shortcomings and never seems to praise you for your accomplishments.
- Your family steals, lies or does something intentionally malicious to you. There’s no denying that an extremely toxic family member is one who does not respect you to the point that they would be willing to intentionally hurt you. Sure, you might give this family member excuses such as their battle with drug or alcohol addiction or the fact that they were raised by horrible parents, but these are just excuses. There is no reason to allow anyone into your life that purposely harms and mistreats you.
- Your family member is a drain on your life. This type of family member is the type who asks if they can crash at your place for the weekend, and won’t leave for a month. If you try to ask them to leave, they will reply with a bunch of excuses on how they cannot leave and how you must support them and let them live at your place rent-free simply because you are family. This family member will often ask for money well into adulthood and will not ever return the favor, pay you back or even show appreciation for your generosity. In other words, your support has become an expectation. This type of family member could demand your money, time and resources and will rarely, if ever, return the favor.
- Your family member threatens to disown you or cut off contact if you ever disagree with them. Your son will cut you out of his life if you refuse to loan him money for his new business idea. Your mother disapproves of you dating outside your culture and has told you she will disown you if you ever date someone outside that culture. Whenever you get in a disagreement with your sister, you wonder if it will be the last time you see her for months or years as she often gets angry and never talks to you for long periods of time. A family member who punishes you by cutting you out of their lives is extremely toxic.
- There is physical, emotional or sexual abuse. This needs no explaining. A family member that has become abusive is extremely dangerous to your health. In these situations, you need to get out quickly and relocate yourself so that you are not around this person. There are support groups out there. In some cases, you may want to get law enforcement involved if you feel your safety is at risk.
There are a few other signs of a toxic family member but these are the glaringly obvious ones. Keep in mind that no family member is perfect. Your family might annoy you and anger you at times but try to recognize there is a difference between a toxic family member and a family member you find annoying. Sometimes you must deal with family no matter how difficult it may seem at times. In the case of abuse, there is no excuse. Your priority should be to get out and protect yourself.
What can you do when a family member is toxic? Below are some steps you can take to help improve the relationship with a toxic family member.
1. Be realistic. It’s important to approach a situation with a relative as objectively as possible. Sometimes you are part of the problem. It’s easy to blame your family member for being too annoying and unreasonable but is that really the whole truth? Try to think clearly about the situation and ask yourself if you are being too harsh or if you have acted in a way that makes the situation worse. It’s very important to stay objective. You could risk throwing away a good relationship where someone genuinely loves you because of a heated argument. Try to remember the good times and the bad times. Has your relative ever supported you or been there for you? Do they ever reach out to you and try to talk to you? Try to resist making your family members out to be the villains while you are the victim. Do your best to be objective about your relationship with your family. Appreciate the ways that your family has been there for you.
2. Be honest about how you are making the situation worse. Relationships are a two-way street. You are likely doing things that are making the situation more negative than it needs to be. Do you have a habit of not listening to your mother as she drones on and on about something important to her? Are you always trying to be the one who is “right” whenever an argument happens with your brother? Do you ever call your parents? Is it possible they feel you don’t care or think about them because you stopped calling when you moved out? Do you ever stand up for yourself when your sister criticizes your hobbies and how you choose to dress? Are you allowing yourself to be taken advantage of by your family simply because you cannot say “no” to them? Be honest about your involvement in this toxic dynamic. Some things you can change instantly by changing how you respond to a situation or by taking action.
3. Check if you are the toxic family member. As difficult as it may be, take a good view of yourself and assess if you are the source of toxicity. A good way to tell is to assess how your life is going outside of your family. Do you have people who often cut you off such as friends, family members or partners? Are you battling alcohol or drug additions and are struggling to get help? Do you feel like the victim in life? Do you tend to push people away and often feel unhappy after spending time with others? Do you say horrible things about people and even to those people? These are some signs that indicate that you may be the main source of the problem. Instead of focusing on your family member, it will help you to focus on how to help your own life so you can take steps to battling your addictions and negative self-thoughts.
4. Set boundaries for yourself. A relationship can become toxic simply because you haven’t set boundaries and followed through on it. For instance, let’s say that your brother has never had a job and has always been looking for work. He’s now in his late twenties and has developed a habit of asking for money from your parents and you. You have become accustomed to always giving him money even though you feel angry taking care of him. You need to set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Stop giving him your money. Communicate that you will not help him financially anymore. Or if you choose to give him money, find a scenario that will work for you such as asking your brother to come by and help clean your home and in return you will give him money. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. If something bothers you and is destroying your relationship with your family member then simply stop allowing your family member to walk all over you. You can say no, so start having boundaries.
5. Move out. Living with a toxic family member when you don’t have to can be harmful for you. When you are a child you may have limited options but once you become a young adult you might have more options available to you. You could live with a relative where you have a much healthier relationship, find a roommate or try to live in your own place. Getting away from a family member will dramatically improve your mood and might even improve your relationship with a toxic family member. There are some family members where you can have a healthier and happier relationship when you aren’t around each other as much anymore.
6. Avoid sources of conflict. You know your family member best and probably know what can set them off. Maybe your mother always needs to be right and the moment you try to correct her, she explodes. Your grandfather always seems to talk about himself and has very little interest in your life. He never asks about your life and always expects you to listen to him which can result in you feeling very upset. In these cases, it might be easier to just avoid conversations or scenarios that you know won’t lead to anything good. You don’t have to outright ignore the person forever, but just be aware of when a conversation is going in a bad direction and learn to excuse yourself before it gets out of control.
7. Limit your visits and calls. Similar to having boundaries, you might need to reassess how much time you spend at home with your family. I’m not saying you should cut off your family or dramatically limit your time with them, but lessen the time with them so you find a good balance of maintaining a healthy relationship with your family and not allowing the negativity to influence your life. For some people, this could mean visiting your family once a fortnight and having weekly calls while another person may only visit during the holidays and call every other month. Some families can handle texts and emails with no calls while others can get away with staying at a hotel during visits. You might be able to keep your weekly visits but instead of spending the whole day with your family, stop by for a few hours to have dinner and then leave. Figure out what works best for you so that you can limit the amount of negativity in your life.
8. Distance yourself from your family. Cutting off a family member is extreme but may be necessary for you. Distancing usually needs to happen in situations where a family member has become so toxic that your own health and safety is at risk. This could happen when a family is dealing with drug addictions, involved in crime, is abusive or is in a situation that could have negative consequences for you even if you are not involved. You may also need to cut off a family member if they are completely against something that is very important to you. This situation could happen when your family does not approve of your partner, rejects your own children or does not approve of your sexual orientation. Whatever the reason for cutting off a family member, remember this should be the last resort. Try to work things out with your family whenever you can. However, if you have exhausted all your efforts at trying to improve the relationship and nothing has worked, then cutting someone off may be your last resort. You need to take care of yourself first and if your family is so toxic that you must cut them out of your life, then that’s something you need to do to have a healthy and happy lifestyle. Distance doesn’t have to be permanent either. Sometimes taking a break from a family member could be for a few months or years. Keep yourself open to the possibility that you might be able to reconnect with a family member, but for now it may be healthy to keep distance from this person and get time away so that you both can heal.
Whatever family dynamic you have, it’s really important to maintain a strong support network through this process. You didn’t have a choice on who your family is but you do have a choice on how you live your life and what actions you choose to take. Continue surrounding yourself with loved ones and being positive about the good relationships that do exist in your life.