Yesterday was my first day taking a cake decorating class. My inspiration to take the class was because I had bought my friend a gift to try out cake decorating. After researching classes for my friend, I realized that I also had a desire to learn how to decorate cakes. I’ve always loved baking since I was a teenager. Although I love creating delicious foods, I’m not the best at presentation. A cake decorating class seemed like a good solution.
I was a bit nervous in advance about my first day. I wasn’t aware of how many people in the class would have experience and I had no experience in cake decorating. The first class was to create a novelty handbag. The course had sample pictures of amazing looking cakes and I went into the class with pretty low expectations. I came into the class with the full intent of learning techniques for cake decorating and not with the idea of creating a perfect looking handbag cake. My experience in the class made me think quite a bit about expectations. My cake was probably the worst looking in the class, but because my expectations were low, I felt pretty happy with the end result. However, a few of the students in the class seemed very disappointed by their cakes. The expectations they had for their cakes was pretty high and the cake did not turn out as anticipated for them.
Expectations can easily create disappointment within ourselves, other people or with an experience. Being able to manage expectations is a wonderful skill that can greatly increase the satisfaction within our lives. Below are some life lessons I have learned about managing expectations.
1. Expectations are not the reality. Most of the time, the reality will not meet our expectations. There are times when expectations do meet the reality, but personally those experiences are often rare for me. Your long awaited holiday to the gorgeous beaches of Thailand may get some rain. An exciting date full of flirting and promises of an exciting evening may turn out to be disappointing. A project at work that you expect will go great, may have some unexpected problems. The reality of the situation will often not meet the expectation.
Going into my cake class, I had an idea of how I had hoped the class would go. There were expectations regarding the learning environment, the teaching, how good I would perform and the final product. In some ways, my expectations did match the reality and in other ways, the expectation did not meet the reality. Since I managed my expectations, I wasn’t disappointed by the reality of the situation.
2. Expectations cannot change a person. No matter how much you hope, believe or push a person to fit your expectations, you cannot force someone to meet your expectations. People can only change if they want to. Nor should you be the one to tell someone how they should behave or be. High expectations towards a person puts you at risk to feeling unnecessary anger towards a loved one and causing your loved one to always feel like they will disappoint you. Unrealistic expectations also put you at risk to not enjoy the experience. For instance, you could be dating a great guy, who is likely a good match for you and who you could have a happy relationship with. However, because of unrealistic expectations you may be focusing on the negatives far too much than you should. As a result, you don’t give the guy you are dating a real chance. You are also less likely to have an open mind and might end up unintentionally sabotaging a great relationship before it even begins. Step back and enjoy the experience of enjoying a person for who they are. You may need to let go of expectations and be realistic instead.
3. Try to view a situation differently. An expectation focuses on a certain perception of an experience. The expectation that you will do excellently at university may make you overly focus on your final grades or the feedback from your professor. However, getting the most out of university often has more to do with just getting an A or always doing great in your classes. Challenge your perspective. Focus on the times where you made mistakes, learned from those mistakes and did much better the next time. Take into account the internships you had through the university, hobbies, the projects you have worked on independently and so on. Viewing your situation from a different perspective will help you manage your expectations. You will also prevent yourself from judging your situation from just one criteria.
The teacher had told all of us about her personal experiences being a student at her first cake decorating class. She said the worst thing you can do is have expectations. During her first class, she had made a cake that did not look as beautiful as another student who was working towards perfection. Although her cake didn’t look as great as she had wished it did, she gained amazing skills, continued practicing, made more cakes and is now teaching people how to make beautiful cakes. If she had seen the situation from one perspective, making a perfect-looking cake, those high expectations may have had the result of discouraging her from making cakes. Fortunately her expectations didn’t get in the way. Work on changing your thoughts and perspective on the situation. Take power over the situation and encourage yourself to see a person or situation differently.
4. Enjoy the process of meeting expectations. Joy often doesn’t come from actually achieving the goal but the process of learning, making mistakes and challenging yourself. Once you finally meet your goal, you’ll feel great because of the process that got you to meet that achievement. My first class to create a cake was a solid 9 hours. The process was tough, non-stop and exhausting. Seeing my lovely cake at the very end, with all its flaws, felt amazing because of all the effort that I had put into the cake. Creating a cake without that exhausting process wouldn’t be nearly as satisfying.
The same goes for my friendships. I have friends that do not meet my expectations at times. My reactions to my friends not meeting my expectations hasn’t always been kind. However, my friendships are really strong because we have managed our expectations. Managing expectations with my friends has allowed me to accept a friend as they are and allowed me to view the friendship realistically.
5. Be clear about expectations. Expectations are often open to misunderstandings. A partner asking for space can be vague. You may not know if space means you can’t talk to the person at all, need to be out of contact for a few days or if the space is something long-term like breaking up. A manager asking that you show more commitment to a project can be very vague. You might incorrectly assume that your manager wants you to stay back late to work on the project when your manager just wants to know that you are invested and care about the project. The best way to understand expectations is to obtain a clearer understanding of the expectation. Whenever possible, ask the person directly to be clear about their expectations. Being clear is helpful for both parties. Not only do you have a better understanding of what someone expects of you, but you also give yourself an opportunity to speak up for yourself about these expectations. For instance, maybe a partner asking you to call them at work everyday is unfair. By asking your partner to clarify what exactly she means by wanting you to talk to her everyday during work hours, you give yourself an opportunity to let her know that daily communication can have negative consequences for your job.
Expectations need to be clear in your own head too. Everyone is guilty of setting vague expectations that can lead us to being disappointed. I had an expectation of wanting to learn how to decorate a cake. When I actually asked myself what exactly that expectation means, I revised my expectation to wanting to get better at cake decorating. During the class I made mistakes and needed assistance from the teacher plenty of times. If I had stuck with my original expectation of wanting to be able to successfully decorate a cake after the class ends, I would have been disappointed. I made mistakes and I need to practice to become more skilled at cake decorating. Once I revised my expectations I was in a place where I could manage my expectations with little risk of disappointment. Take a moment to be clear about expectations and to revise them if necessary. Give other people the opportunity to be clear about their expectations with you too. You might be surprised at how much your relationships improve as you take the time to clarify the expectations they have for you.
6. Don’t try to over-reach expectations. There are times when we want to over-reach and do more than what is expected of us. You might want to spend even more time with your partner after they ask to see you for an extra night per week. After your boss sets their expectation for your yearly goals you may be tempted to blow those expectations out of the water and over perform. Truthfully, over-reaching your expectations will likely not bring you anymore benefits than simply reaching your expectation in the first place. People may even expect you to continue over-reaching after you have done so. There are situations where you naturally over-reach which is amazing and a great thing for your life. If you naturally over-reach on your job and over-perform and genuinely love what you are doing then that’s wonderful. However, don’t try to push yourself past what you have promised. Not only will you feel added stress but the expectations for you will only get unnecessarily higher. Stick to the expectations that have been set for you. If you do exceed expectations then do so if its natural and something you genuinely want for yourself. Focus on getting the situation right. If you do strive for bigger and better things, then that’s wonderful but only do so if it feels natural to you.
7. Expectations come from a good place. Often times we can feel negativity from having expectations, especially when those expectations come from other people. For instance, I have an amazing friend who always thinks I have awesome ideas no matter what they are. Sometimes his expectations make me feel nervous or like I’m afraid to disappoint him. However, his expectations are truly a compliment. He thinks so highly of me that he feels that not only am I capable of generating great ideas, but that I’m capable of successfully carrying them out. Keep in mind that when people have expectations for you, that they often have those expectations because of an impression they have from you. Your partner might expect you to talk to her at work, because she feels you can successfully balance your job and making time for her. Even if that is nowhere close to the truth, the expectation comes from a good place.
Expectations also means that people believe you can achieve more. During my first semester of graduate school I didn’t do much in terms of research and publishing. My focus was on obtaining good grades, getting the hang of a new place and so on. My adviser told me towards the end of the first semester that he expected more from me that semester. Upon hearing his disappointment, I felt pretty bad and had to cope with those feelings. However, I realized that his expectation came from a good place. He had those high expectations because he felt that I was capable of hitting the ground running. As I realized why he had those high expectations, that was all the encouragement I needed to hit the ground running for the rest of my time in graduate school. Even if you don’t meet the high expectations you place on yourself or the expectations others have of you, you can understand that people truly believe you are capable of achieving more. Use that knowledge to continue doing what you can to allow the reality to one day match those high expectations.
8. Leave room for exploration. One of the biggest things I dislike about expectations is that there is little room to explore beyond our expectations. Imagine a world where the reality would match our expectations. What would that world be like? Would the world be predictable or unpredictable? Would this world be a place where people had preassigned labels or a world where people are capable of surprising us? Would you be capable of discovering something amazing about yourself or would your life be a series of accomplishing all the goals you set for yourself? I wouldn’t be who I am today if my expectations met the reality. My amazing support network wouldn’t exist if I had stuck to the expectations I believed I should have about people. I would be in a career that didn’t actually make me happy. I wouldn’t have been in positions where I could grow, exceed the expectations I placed on myself or realize that something isn’t the right fit for me.
Try to face the world with managed expectations. Managing expectations can be difficult at first, but after awhile it gets easier to manage your expectations. You’ll find that your relationships improve as you allow flexibility, communication, openness and acceptance. The world will expand from managing your expectations. You’ll be able to surprise yourself, discover something new and let go of old expectations holding you back. The journey will become exciting even if you fail, make mistakes or things don’t meet your expectations. And you’ll develop trust in yourself, and faith that you have the strength within you to make sure that everything will be okay.