Many of us live our lives not really knowing what we want. We do what we are told or what is expected of us but we fail to really question what we want for ourselves. The process of not knowing what we want can be a lifetime phenomenon or something that just hit you the past few years. A feeling of disconnection can happen as we view what we have achieved in our lives so far. Our sense of purpose feels messy or lost as we try to understand what we want in our lives.
Thankfully here are 9 great strategies to understand what you do want in your life.
1. Put yourself first. If you are in a position of not knowing what you want, you likely haven’t been honest with yourself. Sometimes what you want is right in front of you, but if you aren’t putting your needs first you won’t see it. Try to block the voices of what other people want for you and give yourself the mental space to think about what you want for yourself. Shutting out the other voices can be tough. While you are figuring out what you want, you may need to request space from people who loudly voice their opinions about your life.
Try to not feel bad about being a little selfish about what you want in your life. Identifying and pursuing what you want in your life, is all about you and nobody else will be looking out for your best interests as well as you are.
2. What are you unhappy about in your life? One way to tell what you want is by trying to figure out what is bothering you. Typically the things that are making you unhappy, are the things that need to change. Are you feeling dissatisfied with work? If so, why is that? Are you unhappy with your boss, the workload, your treatment at the office or the salary? Don’t hold back either. The reason many of us have difficulties finding what we want in life, is because we hold ourselves back. For instance, I have a friend who doesn’t know what he wants in his life. When I talk to him about this, he’ll say how he’s unhappy about his job. However, before he’s done with all the reasons on why he dislikes his work, he begins to talk about the things that he is happy about such his salary or the benefits. There’s nothing wrong with appreciating what you do have but in the process of discovering what you want in your life, you have to focus on the things you are unhappy about. Before looking at the positives, list down all the negatives. The reason for doing this, is because it can be very tempting to act like you are content with something rather than admit you aren’t happy and need to change.
When my friend switched to the positives, he justified himself working at a place that was making him unhappy. He wasn’t being authentic with himself. It’s okay to say this job has X amount of negatives and Y amount of positives but ultimately you have to be authentic with yourself and decide whether it is time for a change or that you are happy where you are at now. You might notice that you have a habit of talking yourself out of admitting that there’s things you want in your life. You’ll talk yourself into accepting an unhappy relationship, a job that isn’t a good fit, pursuing a degree you aren’t happy with or living in an area that is driving you crazy.
The point is not to develop a habit of complaining or feeling miserable, but to be authentic with what you are not happy with. As you understand the things that are really upsetting you, you’ll be able to move forward.
2. Make a list of what you want. Creating a list will help you not forget the things you want and will help you easily cycle through what you want without over-focusing on one thing. Write down everything you want. Big or small, write it down! You can include the dress you want to buy, a paragliding trip, a new career, a loving relationship and so on. Write down the entire list and then go through the list again.
What can you revise from your list? You want a new career, but why? Are you more interested in getting new career opportunities or a bigger salary? Do you want a better boss or do you want to be your own boss? Get specific! Instead of focusing on something general or vague, get as specific as possible. You put yourself in a great position of understand what you want in your life by being specific.
Once you are done revising, then prioritize your list. You may need to go through your list many times to get your priorities straight. A bad day at work may incorrectly influence how much you prioritize your job. Having an unusually wonderful weekend with your typically nonsupporting and unloving girlfriend may blind you from the fact that something needs to change now.
3. Determine how to fix it. Okay now you have some idea of the things in your life that you aren’t happy with. Yet, you still may not be quite sure on how to identify the things you do want. That’s alright because determining how to fix your situation, will give you some big clues on what you want in your life. When you try to find a solution to your problems, you’ll get a clearer picture of what you do and do not want in your life. For instance, maybe you have realized that you are pretty unhappy with your support network. You feel stuck and like you can’t meet new people. Even though your so called friends aren’t there for you, you feel like this is all you have got.
You have the problem but by finding the solutions you can determine what makes you happy. Perhaps maybe the problem is you’ve changed and so have your friends. Maybe you need more people in your life that have similar values to you. Sometimes the problem is internal. It’s possible that you aren’t spending enough time with your friends. You are relying on your friends to invite you to things and make all the effort, but maybe you aren’t making the effort. By understanding how to resolve your situation, you’ll realize some things you genuinely want in your life. In this case, maybe you really want a great support network, who shares similar values to you and brings positivity in your life. Maybe you can still have this outcome with your current friend group or maybe it is time to let go and meet new people.
A great way to fix your problems is to focus on what you can change now. Quitting your job doesn’t happen now. Breaking up with your boyfriend doesn’t happen today. Making huge changes quickly that involve ditching your career or partner are often not the best way. Get to what is really bothering you until approaching the worst case scenario of throwing it all away. Do you like what you do, but hate your manager? Perhaps you need to look into changing teams, being led under a different manager or even having a discussion with your manager about how you can better work together. These solutions should be thought about before quitting your job. If you are unhappy in your relationship then work through the problems. Do you find yourself fighting a bunch or not being able to communicate? Before asking to breakup, discuss with your partner your options for a healthier relationship. Try to make the relationship work before giving up. You may be surprised that your relationship is much better and happier if you try to communicate and work through your issues.
4. Stop giving excuses. A big hurdle to cross when trying to figure out what you want is to remove the excuses from your life. Excuses can pile up and limit you from getting out there and making the next steps in your life. Common excuses can include feeling like you need more money to pursue your interests, believing that you missed the right time to do something and therefore you need to give up or feeling like you have nothing important to offer.
Recently I just signed up for a class to learn Hindi. One of my dreams has been to go to India for several months and volunteer in the slums. However, learning Hindi will greatly help what I can do as a volunteer. I had delayed signing up for the class and realized I only had one day remaining before missing out on the class this term. The excuses piled up immediately. I was suddenly trying to talk myself out of taking this course by focusing on the money, how I have friends visiting during one of the days I’ll have class and questioning if I would get real benefits from taking this Hindi course. Thankfully, I got over my excuses and signed up for the class.
Excuses may be happening without you even realizing. You might even strongly believe your excuses which are preventing you from knowing what you want in your life.
5. Avoid being wishy washy or indecisiveness. I used to have this annoying internal habit of not being true to what I want. When choosing what to eat with friends, I’d be indecisive and go with what the group wanted. If I was dating a guy I wasn’t really sure about, I’d continue on hoping that something would sort itself out somehow. Flexibility can be great, but if you are developing a habit of being uncertain, you’ll never figure out what you want. Being wishy washy can happen for a variety of reasons.
- Wanting to fit in – If I say my true feelings on the presentation, then people may not like me. I don’t want to deliver any constructive negative feedback so that my peers will like me. I won’t say anything or I’ll only say the positives so that people won’t like me. Trying to always go with the crowd will stop you from being authentic with yourself. You might miss out on some great opportunities by always trying to fit in and make everybody but yourself happy.
- Not wanting to be inconvenient – Everybody wants Thai food. I’m allergic to Thai food but I don’t want my allergies to get in the way. I’ll just go anyway and act like I’m okay with the decision. Trying to avoid inconveniencing anyone is showing an inauthentic person to your loved ones. Your friends may think you love that job, your interests and such because you never speak your true feelings. You risk not only lying to yourself but to others by being indecisive about how you really feel.
- Avoiding negativity. If I tell this guy that I don’t want to date him, I’ll feel horrible and he will feel really bad too. I know he really likes me and he’s kind of cute and sort of nice. I guess I’ll keep dating him to avoid any hurt feelings. He’s not all that bad and things will work themselves out. Life is full of positives and negatives. By ignoring all the negatives you’ll never be authentic with yourself. Always having rose colored glasses for everything in your life is like convincing yourself that you are happy when you are actually miserable.
When you develop a habit of being uncertain, you actually train your mind to be uncertain. You’ll start saying that you like things just because you are putting yourself in a position of doing something you don’t actually want in your life. When people ask you why you are making decisions, you may actually not know yourself. You’ll find yourself in ridiculous situations that don’t make you happy, just because you are afraid of making a committed decision.
I get it. Being wishy washy feels very safe. You feel like you aren’t the bad guy when you can’t be decisive about what you want. Your family won’t be disappointed, you’ll think you are content in your life and you’ll perceive your life as not having any drama because you are living based off of what other people want for you. However, being wishy washy puts you in situations where you aren’t living the life you want and you’ll risk being dishonest to yourself.
6. Actively pursue your interests. Even when you are uncertain about your own life you can still actively pursue your interests, goals and the plans you set out in your life. I’ve always been the type to actively pursue what I wanted in my life, whether that was a Master’s Degree, relocating to another country, traveling overseas or career opportunities. By pursuing what I wanted, I was able to get a better idea of my values and what I did and didn’t want in my life.
If I hadn’t taken action and did anything that I was interested in, I would have no idea if that’s something I wanted in my life. If I didn’t put myself out there and travel solo, I wouldn’t have realized how much I really love seeing the world and how independence is really important to me. The process of going to graduate school made me realize that my dream of pursuing a doctoral degree was not right for me at this stage. Instead of wasting time believing that I wanted to pursue a doctorate degree, I got into graduate school and tried to pursue it. Through the process and after earning my Master’s, I realized that a doctoral degree is not something I wanted at this time. When you hold yourself back in pursuing your interests, you distract yourself with illusions and dreams. As you pursue your goals and passions you develop better self-awareness and can actually know your strengths, weaknesses, values and what you want and don’t want.
Pursue a variety of experiences and give it effort. You’ll have a more challenging time knowing what you want if you don’t try different experiences and don’t put effort into that experience. For instance, I’ve always had an interest in writing. However, I always had a lackluster attitude towards writing. Some short stories were written but I rarely re-read them and never showed them to anyone, fearing rejection. A few years ago I began writing poetry and I put in a ton of effort into my work. I read work by contemporary poets, asked writers to read my work and give suggestions. I paid someone to review and provide feedback on my work. I wrote poems almost daily. By investing in this experience, I could actually see how passionate I was about writing. When I didn’t put effort into the passion, it wasn’t clear that writing was all that important. By putting in the effort and trying to write something new, such as poetry, I found something that I love.
8. Have a strong support network. Achieving the life you want can be a challenge, especially if for so long we’ve lived our lives based off of external expectations. Let the people you trust know about your upcoming plans with your life. The more you voice what you want, the more you’ll allow yourself to accept the fact that this is what you want. Who knows, your friends may be able to give you some great advice or guide you to opportunities to get your life moving.
9. Have a positive attitude. All of us don’t have our lives figured out all the time. People change, plans change and life can easily be derailed off the path we were on. Figuring out what you want can be a long process that spans years. As you figure out what you want in your career, you may next be questioning what you want in a relationship. You may be in a place where taking time to make the life you want will time. If you want to move back home, the process can take months or even over a year. Changing jobs can be a very timely process. Be positive and be patient with yourself. As you work towards actively pursuing your interests, you’ll begin to see that what you want becomes clearer. Even better, is that your life will begin having the things you want.
Best of luck on your journey to finding what you want in your life! What are some things you want in your life? What type of strategies do you use to know what you want in your life? I’d love to hear your comments and feedback below.