Love from another person doesn’t make us whole. Strong relationships come from two whole people coming together to build an even happier life together.
Self-love is always something we can be developing, regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not. Ideally you would want to enter a relationship with self-love, but even if you are already in a relationship, there is likely room to continue growing self-love.
Below are some great reasons to start working on building your self-love, not only for yourself, but for a strong relationship.
1. Self-love makes us less needy and insecure. The more you develop your own self-love, the more you will be less reliant on your partner to make you feel loved. In the past, I was very needy in my relationships. The demands I placed on my partner because of my own insecurities were pretty ridiculous. My partners at the time did not love themselves either, which created a relationship built on co-dependency. We created problems that weren’t even there in the first place. The relationship became toxic and unhealthy. Ultimately what drove us apart was feeling unhappy in the situation but having an inability to let go. The neediness and insecurities brought out the worst within us. Looking back I can see that some of these problems could have been avoided with self-love. Instead of always looking for external happiness within a partner, I should have been looking for happiness within myself. True, being with your partner should help you feel happy but the happiness you feel with your partner shouldn’t define your own happiness. Having self-love allows you to invest more energy into the positive aspects of a relationship. Instead of feeling dependent and needy for your partner to reassure you that they love you, you can place that energy into nourishing a healthy relationship.
2. Self-love doesn’t take away your individuality. When you don’t love yourself, you might find that you lose yourself in a relationship. After my last breakup, I felt completely lost. The majority of that loss was not from the break up, but feeling like I didn’t know who I was anymore. So much of my individuality had been lost. I found myself questioning if I actually enjoyed watching specific genres of movies, eating certain types of foods, being around specific people and if my goals were based around that relationship and not on what I wanted for myself. When you love yourself, you share a relationship with another person. That doesn’t mean that you change your interests, habits, opinions and behaviors to suit the other person. You still keep your hobbies, passions, goals and support network. You share the wonderful life you have with another person who has their own hobbies, passions, goals and support network. Sure your lives might become intertwined in some ways. Maybe you both will share a hobby, have mutual friends or do things that are specific to your relationship. However, when you love yourself, you stay authentic to who you are. You are still you. The relationship may enhance the life you already have, but your life is wonderful with or without your partner.
3. Self-love allows you to truly love your relationship. Neediness does not mean you love your relationship. Often times people stay in horrible relationships because of a lack of self-love. Looking back, I stayed in some toxic relationships due to intense fear of losing that person. I didn’t love myself enough to let go of a relationship that was hurting me tremendously. Love is not staying in a toxic relationship because of a fear to let go, of failing at another relationship, or because we are afraid we can’t find love again. Self-love allows you to avoid those kinds of scenarios. You can more easily let go of toxic relationships because you know you’ll be okay without the unhealthy relationship in your life. Self-love also allows you to appreciate great relationships. Great relationships sometimes need space, understanding, compromise. Self-love allows you to not become insecure or angry because your partner needs some time to herself. Loving yourself allows you to respect your partner’s needs and to be able ti compromise on certain things. Because you aren’t insecure or needy, you’ll be more willing to give a relationship the space and independence it needs to grow. You’ll be able to truly love your partner just as they are, and not because they fill a specific need in your life or address the insecurities that you have.
4. Self-love allows you to appreciate and nourish other relationships. Romantic love can be overly glamourized especially in the media. Romantic love is just one type of love in our lives. There are other types of amazing love within our lives such as the ones within our family or our friendships. When you don’t love yourself, you are more likely to lose yourself within your partner. All your energy will go into the relationship with your partner with little left over for friendships and your family. When you love yourself, you have time for your partner and other people too. You also take off pressure from your partner. If you are upset about something at work, and your partner isn’t available to listen, you can call and talk about it with your friend. If your partner can’t go to an event with you, you know that you have friends and family you can invite to tag along with you. You are able to carve out space to nourish your other important relationships, while your partner can continue to work on nourishing his relationships with other people.
5. Self-love holds you accountable for your own happiness. One of my biggest mistakes from past relationships was blaming my unhappiness on the relationship. Instead of addressing my own problems myself, it was easier to push the blame on a partner. For instance, I’d want my partner to change things about themselves so that I could feel happy. However, I have the power to make myself happy. It was easier to shift the blame towards a partner rather than work through my own problems. Self-love allows us to take care of ourselves. Taking care of ourselves might mean you need to do more things for yourself such as put more energy into your passion, get a massage, write or take time to be by yourself. Self-love allows you to work through your own issues. Instead of wanting your partner to always change to accommodate you, you can start thinking of ways that you can help yourself. You accept that you hold the keys to your own happiness. Your happiness isn’t reliant on other people or situations. You can choose happiness, and be happy right now.
6. Self-love allows you to be more forgiving. When you don’t love yourself, some situations are taken far too personally. Your partner not texting you back may make you feel paranoid, anxious and wonder if he’s ignoring you because he’s upset. You might feel intense jealousy or anger when your partner chooses to spend a night out with their friends instead of you. Self-love allows you to accept that everybody, including yourself, is not perfect. Loving yourself also makes you realize that everybody has their own individual needs that you need to respect. For instance, if you are dating an introvert, you may notice that she needs more space than you would like. Your partner may want a weekend to themselves at times. Self-love allows you to respond to your partner’s needs with understanding rather than anger. Alternatively, an extroverted partner may not be looking at their phone when they are out having fun with friends. Self-love allows a partner to be understanding and realistic towards their partner. When you don’t have self-love you put too much pressure on your partner. The expectations are often too high, which creates a relationship where the partner is doomed to make you feel disappointed or upset. Self-love allows you to be realistic and understanding towards your partner.
7. Self-love allows you to see the positives within yourself. Not loving yourself makes you dismissive of all the wonderful things your partner loves about you. You don’t agree that your partner believes you are beautiful. You tell people how lucky you are to have found her because you can’t understand why she would ever choose to love you. Any positive compliment your loved one gives you is dismissed. Self-love allows you to see the things that your partner does love about you. You can identify your strengths and amazing qualities more easily with self-love.
8. Self-love allows you to let a relationship grow organically. Have you ever been in a situation where you had gone on several dates, things were going well, but you still aren’t sure how things are going? As a result, you get anxious, paranoid and start to put pressure on the other partner to commit. Self-love allows you to let a relationship grow at its own pace. When you don’t love yourself you start to doubt that the person likes you, you start to feel nervous that things will end and you put pressure on the person you are dating, which can lead to things ending prematurely. This type of pressure can happen at any stage of a relationship. Self-love allows you to be more realistic about the relationship. You are less likely to panic when things aren’t moving at a pace you would expect and are more likely to appreciate the relationship as it is presently.
9. Self-love gives you an opportunity to learn about yourself and grow. One of the challenging things about relationships is that our partners can show us our weaknesses. When you are insecure, you might react negatively towards a partner who can show us our flaws. You might choose to be in denial and simply not agree that you have flaws or you might feel ashamed, embarrassed and like the worst person in the world. Self-love allows you to do something about the things you learn. You might choose to accept a flaw and accept it as a non-issue. Perhaps your partner finds it annoying but it isn’t a deal breaker and is just something you both live with in the relationship. Or maybe your flaw allows you an opportunity for growth. You might decide to work on your flaws so that you can create a stronger you and a stronger relationship with your loved ones. Self-love allows us to respond positively to our flaws. Flaws exist in everyone and within all relationships. Being able to accept our flaws allows us to have a healthier relationship with our partners.
Self-love creates a space for a relationship to grow and be healthy. Even if you feel like you do love yourself, reevaluate if there is room for even more self-love. Staying focused on loving yourself has some lovely benefits to your relationship. How has self-love enhanced your relationships?