We’ve all experienced a moment where a situation happened that made us feel terrible or nervous. Throughout the rest of the day you think about the situation constantly and go over what happened in your head, causing even more stress and anxiety. I felt this way quite a bit about a year or so ago. An unfortunate event would happen and I would ruminate about it for days and allow myself to feel anger and disappointment unnecessarily. Most of these feelings would be related to issues occurring at work and my displeasure at my job. The feelings can spread, infecting other areas of your life and creating problems in unrelated areas. Thankfully once I took some time to reflect and gain a new angle on what was happening, I felt much better about the situation. I took steps to help me get through my feelings such as arranging a much needed holiday, focusing on my other passions and creating opportunities for myself at my job. My happiness was evident to my colleagues, friends and loved ones. Ultimately there was never a problem. I just viewed the situation as a problem, rather than a need to take action to improve my internal state of mind.
Creating our own problems may not seem that transparent. There are multiple ways you can create your own problems. Below are some common ways that we can create our own problems.
Generalizing. My last relationship was a failure. I’ll never find love again and even if I do, I’ll mess that up. My parents got a divorce so I’ll end up getting a divorce one day too. Why commit and fall in love? What a waste of time. Everybody cheats so therefore my partner will cheat on me. Generalizing is a way you create your own problems. You’ll see patterns based on a few instances that stick out in your mind. The issue with generalizing is the focus of the negativity. Over the last ten years, you may have easily gotten jobs, but the one time someone decides to not give you a job sticks out in your mind and makes you feel like you will never be hired by anyone. You’ll use the few experiences of negativity to create a definition of how things are in your life.
Taking responsibility for things outside your control. If I had given my friend housing advice, she would never have been scammed by her landlord. When bad things happen, you assume that there was something you could have done to prevent the situation from happening in the first place. All personal responsibility is taken personally for an event that has little to do with you. Even if you had done something, the event would most likely have occurred in the exact same way that it did.
Black and white thinking. My partner was mad at me last night, he must not love me anymore. My mother didn’t like the dinner I prepared for her. I am such a disappointment! The issue with this type of thinking is that if you fall short of perfection, you believe that you are a failure. Problems will exist in your mind based on the fact that you aren’t achieving the expectations you set for yourself.
Jumping to conclusions. My coworker hates me because she never asks me about my day. You have an incorrect belief that you know how people are feeling and thinking without any actual evidence. A few situations that you interpret as a negative experience lead you to believe that you know what people are thinking or feeling.
Discounting positive experiences. Sure that person replied to me on this online dating website, but that was just luck. Good experiences are minimized because you overthink what happened and believe that it was nothing more than luck or some statistical anomaly.
These are just a few examples of how a problem can be created in your own mind. Unhappiness is a subjective state of mind. Problems only exist in your mind and are the result of how you interpret a solution. To achieve lasting happiness we must look inwardly. There will be regrets and failures but we need to move forward and learn to live with the pain. This leads to us creating our own problems. But how exactly do we create our own problems with our minds? How can we stop ourselves from being our worst enemy? Let’s address the core reasons that problems our created within our beautiful complex but creative minds.
- We want to be different. Problems stem from the want to be different. Not accepting yourself for who you are and disliking something about yourself leads to more problems. You develop insecurity, anxiety, envy and depression. You view yourself as someone who is incomplete and you compare yourself to people who you feel are more successful. The comparisons are never ending. You might have a success but still feel jealousy over the other person who seems to be one step ahead of you. The salary you make is good but not good enough. The expectations you have are built on the expectations of others around you such as your family or friends. As a result you create your own problems by constantly being unhappy with your job, your skill set, feeling like you got the short end of the stick or feeling like the world is against you. The problems don’t stop there either.
- We want a quick fix. Money problems have to be sorted out immediately. Conflicts with our loved ones need to be resolved straight away. If something goes wrong, a resolution has to be known quickly. You feel angry at yourself and loved ones when a solution isn’t presented at your convenience. There is no such thing as a quick fix. There are temporary solutions but they are only temporary and won’t provide a permanent and lasting solution to your problems. By focusing on a quick fix, you don’t allow yourself the time to just focus on the present and think clearly. By aimlessly reaching out for solutions you just make your problems even worse. Mistakes happen more frequently and you get frustrated at the situation more intensely. The problem can even become far worse than you have imagined by chasing the quick fix.
- We don’t want to be true to our feelings. Denying our feelings creates a place of conflict. You deny yourself the ability to identify and rectify your problems by denying your feelings. Unhappiness is what you feel but you push that feeling away. Sadness is a feeling you constantly ignore. You doubt whether you deserve the love and happiness right in your grasp. Feelings are incorrectly associated with pain and disappointment. Negative feelings are incorrectly felt as a sign that you have a problem and need help. Positive feelings feel undeserved. You might find yourself saying statements like this in your head, “How can this person love me when I’m such a failure? I don’t deserve this kindness and compassion.” Denying your feelings and not acknowledging them leads to many more problems. Feelings and emotions can be scary. There’s no denying that they can be scary but they don’t have to be. When you deny your feelings, the obstacle takes longer to overcome and you put yourself through more unhappiness as a result. Allowing yourself to experience emotions puts you in a place where you can be honest with your intentions and motivations.
- We want other people to be different. You aren’t happy with your friendships, partner or family members. You want to control them, you want them to change, and you wish they could just meet your expectations. The struggle is endless. Therapy, discussions, angry outbursts, countless emails, ignoring and passive aggressiveness are the solutions you grasp for. Nothing has worked to get this person to change and accommodate your wants and needs. Wanting other people to change creates problems. You hurt your relationships with other people and you cause other people to feel like they are not enough for you. As a result, these people don’t want to be around you or stop trying to please you because you make them feel like a failure. By focusing on changing other people, you disallow yourself to live in the moment and appreciate the people that are in your life. By focusing on what you perceive as their shortcomings, you cheat yourself of a loving relationship with someone. Basically there is probably nothing wrong in that specific relationship but if you are continually finding discontent in the behavior of others, you are creating problems that likely don’t even exist except in your head.
- We want to be in total control. Life does not go according to anyone’s plans, including yours. You will fail and be disappointed. You might lose a promotion, you might get in a car accident, you might get sick, you might fall in love with the wrong person, or you might lose something or someone precious to you. These things happen and they do indeed hurt but there is nothing you can do to guarantee that you are in total control of your life. Focusing too much on the future and how to ensure you will succeed in your life will only lead you down a path of failure. Problems will occur because you will be disappointed at not meeting the high expectations that you have set for yourself. These problems exist because of the expectations you have formed within your own mind.
- We don’t want to be accountable. Nope, some of us would rather blame everyone else but ourselves for the situation we are in. I get it completely. Admitting fault is some tough stuff. Taking the blame can be hard to swallow. Everyone’s been in this position. My first car accident at 16, I felt like a complete idiot. I hadn’t even gotten my license yet. The accident was caused from me doing the wrong turn on a green light and putting my life and others at risk. I totaled my Mom’s car completely in the process. When it happened, I immediately wanted to shift the blame. “They were going too fast,” I wanted to say. Actually I’m pretty sure I did say that, but then I later admitted that day how it was my fault and how I must have made an error and that I was not ready to drive just yet. It hurts but being truthful and accountable allowed me to own up to my mistakes and take full responsibility for the consequences. I haven’t been in an accident since and have become a far more defensive and cautious driver as a result. A problem is created because our minds are searching for anything but us to be the reason for something unfortunate happening.
- We overthink. Overthinking creates problems and can be one of the main reasons for creating problems in your head. You might have an idea, but the process of analysis can turn the idea into an actual problem that impacts your mental health. You’ll analyze a situation, pick it apart, re-visit the situation, write about it, vent about it and suddenly you’ve created problems out of a situation where there may have never been a problem in the first place. Churning negativity over and over in your mind only makes you feel even worse and brings up fears, insecurities and sadness. The mind can make a situation seem worse than what it really is.
- We focus too much on what other people think. You care if other people think you are successful and over-apologize if you feel you offended someone. About a year ago I had an old friend send me a random text message, apologizing to me for offending me at an event that had happened two weeks prior. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about so I gave her a call to see what she was talking about. I had made an innocent joke at the dinner table and she had taken it very personally. Apparently she had been thinking she’d offended me for a couple of weeks and had been feeling like she was a bad person as a result. The whole thing was completely and 100% in her head. I didn’t feel offended and I had completely forgotten the joke. As a result she had caused herself unnecessary pain by focusing way too much on how I felt. Thankfully she found the strength to reach out so I could let her know that all was okay between us. It is your job to keep things in perspective. Instead of worrying how your actions are perceived, focus on keeping perspective. If you feel you did cause a problem, handle it straight away. Don’t over think it, just apologize, let go and move on.
- We can’t let go of the past. Some problems are in the past, long gone and have no impact on our lives anymore, yet sometimes we continue to mull over them, have “what ifs” and are filled with regret. Sure there was a problem but now it’s time to let that problem go.
Okay now that we’ve identified the reasons for causing our own problems, how do we go about fixing this?
Have a shift in perspective. Try to look at things from a different angle. You might be viewing something as a conflict when it was never a conflict in the first place. We often view situations from a place that comes from our ego. The focus seems like it’s on us but in actuality it rarely is. Once you accept how the reality of the situation actually looks, a solution will be more obvious. This process can be a challenge. Seeing things from a different perspective is not easy at first. Write down what happened and try to pin point what actually occurred. The reality of the situation is typically dramatically different from how your mind interpreted the situation. Slowly you will realize that there never was a problem or that there is only a situation or challenge that you can handle and deal with accordingly.
Live in the present. Stay in the moment. Rather than worrying and consuming yourself with what happened in the past, focus on what you can do now to prevent yourself from repeating those mistakes. If you offended someone, apologize now. If you lost a promotion, pick yourself up and work on doing better next time or improving your resume so you can find a job that values what you can offer. When you focus on what is happening now, you can see more clearly on what you need to do and how to do it.
Avoid talking out your thoughts. There is a place and time to vent and go through things with a loved one. However, making this a habit will teach you to continue to ruminate and think about issues obsessively. To break the habit, try to avoid using this as your “go to” technique for dealing with a challenge. Yes, there are indeed situations where you may need to talk things out with someone but you’ll have a better understanding of when that becomes a necessity by practicing the method of withholding yourself from spending too much time talking and thinking things over. If you do talk about your problems with someone, then ensure this person is someone who is supportive and won’t feed into your habit of overthinking. A person you don’t want to communicate your thoughts to is someone who will make you stressed, fearful, anxious or worry even more. Find people who are positive, supportive and want you to see the best possible outcome for you. This person will help you come up with a solution that you can start working on now.
Accept that the past cannot be changed. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Whatever happened, happened so there’s no use in going over what happened repeatedly. Be present with your thoughts and focus on what you can do now.
View your problems as challenges that have solutions. The main issue with problems is that a problem takes away our accountability to handle the problem. In actuality, most of your “problems” are challenges meaning that you can overcome them and that there are solutions in place. When you stay present in the situation and think about what you can do now to address the situation, you’ll easily grasp the solution and can start the process of moving forward. You can push yourself out of the analysis phase of a problem and instead think about the actions you can do.
Hold on to the big picture. Problems created through your mind tend to come from focusing on a small thing that happened that seems big. Let’s take a car accident. Yes, that’s a big event that happened to you today or this year but remember the big picture. You are alive. Your car is okay. You have a support network that can assist you through this. This happened and there’s nothing you can do to change the situation now. You can rent a car or take public transportation to work. You’ll have an action in place to save money and make up for any loss of debts as a problem. Focusing on the big picture will prevent you from beating yourself up for something that happened. The big picture will focus your thoughts on the present and help you realize that a situation doesn’t have to ruin your mood.
Be mindful of your thoughts. Your thoughts DO have power. The more you can focus on the positive outcomes, the more likely you will allow your actions and behaviors to be positive. For instance, let’s say you start a new job and it’s your first week. The processes are new, challenging and very overwhelming. If you focus on the negative and feed yourself with thoughts that you might get fired or you won’t succeed then you are more likely to influence your actions to make you less productive. For instance, your stress will influence your sleep patterns, how much energy you can devote to work and how you speak with other coworkers (i.e., less confidence) will be affected. However, if you approach this new job with a positive outlook, you’ll continue to work hard, ask questions, be patient with yourself and you will increase the likelihood that you’ll have a good start to a new job. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts.
Stopping yourself from creating your own problems is not the easiest thing to do but by practicing these tips, you will start to master the art of not thinking so much. You’ll stop seeing things as problems and focus instead on your present situation and what you can do now. Feel free to share your experiences with creating your own problems and other tips you may have.