Some of us are in situations where we feel embarrassed or ashamed by our families. Sure, many of us felt embarrassed by our family while growing up in secondary school but what if that embarrassment and shame stays with us during adulthood?
You might come from a family of poverty and although your lifestyle and values have changed tremendously from childhood, you are still ashamed to introduce people to your family. Your family members may live a dramatically different lifestyle to you or have made some really poor life choices that you feel may be obvious to other people. Your family might have a particular quirk that you find humiliating such as cursing loudly, belching freely and openly or dressing in ways that you feel are inappropriate. Your family might be incredibly rude and intolerant of other people. You might be fearful of introducing people to your family in case they make them feel inferior or treat them in a way that is not fair. Perhaps your family has relocated to a country where there is a different culture. Your family’s culture may even be considered rude to this new place. As a result, you start to feel shame due to how your family behaves in this new area.
Your feelings are pretty common but fortunately there are some ways to cope with those feelings. Below are several ways that you can stop being ashamed by your family.
1. Accept the situation. Your family will likely never change. That annoying quirk will probably never go away and your family may never make significant changes. There are cases where your family could change but that change has to come from within themselves and not due to pressure from you. When you start accepting your family, you will be more likely to not allow their behavior to impact you as much. Once you start accepting your family, you can start even preparing other people for their behavior. For instance, if you are contemplating introducing your partner to your family, you might let your partner know about their behaviors in advance. You might explain to your partner why these behaviors bother you, where you think this comes from and to please try to not take offense to their behavior. When you accept the situation, you will put yourself in better situations to deal with it. If your family’s behavior bothers you so much you may choose to stay in a hotel while visiting rather than at your home. Instead of focusing on how you can change your family, you can invest energy into accepting your family as they are.
2. Be aware of the good things in your family. No family is perfect and neither is yours. You can choose to focus on the negatives about the family but there are likely positives too. I was never all that close with my mother while growing up and while we are very different people, she was the one who inspired me to be giving, kind and find ways to help other people. My mother is a very kind and giving person so I have her to thank for that part of my personality. Your family may have things you don’t like or agree with but you likely have some positive traits from your family. There is probably things you love about your family. For instance you may fight with your family a great deal but your family may have a great sense of humor and are people you can freely laugh with. Your caregiver may be disappointing most of the time, but there may have been times where your caregiver was reliable and took care of you properly. Your family might be the only people that are there for you during the hard times. Your success and ambition may have formed from wanting something different than what your family has. Find the positives in your family dynamic since that will help you see a more accurate picture of how your family truly is.
3. Remember that the love of your family is unconditional. You may be ashamed by some aspects of your family, but your family does love you completely. Even if your perspectives and lifestyles have varied significantly your family unconditionally loves you. Your family will stand by you when nobody else does and will do whatever they can for you. Count your blessings that you have a family that loves you unconditionally.
4. Your family does not define you. For awhile I felt like I was somehow an extension of my family. If my family acted inappropriately, I believed that this reflected upon me. Your family is made up of individuals who have their own lives, beliefs, feelings and motivations. Your values, lifestyles and goals are specific to you. Your family may be successful and want you to be rich but you do not have to represent that lifestyle. Your family might not have any manners or care about their appearance but this is not a reflection of you at all. Keep in mind that when you introduce your friends and loved ones to your family, that you will not be defined by your family. Family may give people more insights into our upbringing but family doesn’t tell us much about who you are right now.
5. Try to not take the actions of your family as personal. Your family members are not intentionally trying to embarrass you. Although you may be annoyed by their behaviors, your family likely views these behaviors as normal. For all you know, your family may even be annoyed by how you live your life since your lifestyle may not fit with what they feel is the norm.
6. Start letting go of past pain. Your family may have disappointed you or even hurt you. Perhaps your parents needed you more than you felt they could support you. All of us have unique stories within our families, some of which involve much pain and disappointment from family. Although you may have grown past this incident and created a life that doesn’t involve these experiences anymore, often times we hold onto the bitterness and pain. You may be holding onto resentment and anger towards your family for what happened years ago. When you let go of the pain you allow yourself to get rid of resentment and all the emotional baggage weighing you down.
7. The right people will not judge your family. Society can promote superficial ideals related to wealth and lifestyle. Yet, people who genuinely care about you should not judge you due to your family. If you find that people are judging you because of your family, then that may be a sign that this person is not someone you should have in your life as a friend or partner. The right person for you will not be judgemental of your personal family situation. The right people will be focused on wanting to understand the situation and will understand that no family is perfect.
8. Work to understand your family. As you develop understanding of your family, you will develop greater compassion towards your family. Painful things have happened to me due to the choices of my family but understanding the situation and why things occurred has allowed me to find peace and forgiveness with the situation. Keep in mind that there is no family ideal. Your family may be struggling financially but a very wealthy family has their own struggles too that are just as significant. Try to understand your family’s perspective and what motivated their motivations. As you work to understand, appreciate and love your family as well as realize that you are an individual who is not defined by your family, you will feel less ashamed by your family.