Recently I received a comment on this website asking for tips about how to make friends, particularly when you are ready to be yourself and make healthy friendships. Friendships are one of the most important relationships in my life. There are other great relationships in my life such as the ones I have with my family and boyfriend but my friends have added so much love, joy and meaning into my life and I’m so grateful for these friendships every day of my life.
The process of making friends hasn’t been easy for me. I felt that I went through phases where I surrounded myself with people just to have company or to try to fit in with a group of people that had little in common with me. I also went through phases in life where I had toxic friendships. In these friendships, I often felt emotionally drained, manipulated and had a feeling that these people didn’t like me or wished me success in my life. Now I feel like I’ve found my tribe. I can be myself around my friends. I have healthy boundaries with my friends. And I can share experiences, laughter and memories with wonderful people. It’s great to be surrounded by loving friends who I feel support me, but the process of getting there wasn’t easy or obvious.
You might be in this situation of seeking close and authentic friendships for a few different reasons. Some of these may resonate with you below.
- You have been through a huge life change and you need to make friends. Maybe you relocated to a new city and miss having a close support network and people you can be yourself around. Or maybe you have been through a divorce or breakup and find that you have lost many friends, who were mutual friends with your partner. As a result, you are not sure who your real friends are and are looking to make new friends.
- You realized that you have toxic friendships and you want to start fresh and meet new people. Maybe you have surrounded yourself with friends who are negative and toxic. You have done the best thing for yourself by cutting ties and starting new.
- Maybe you have met your tribe before but for one reason or another, those people are not in your life anymore. Life can be unpredictable and you may have realized that suddenly you are distant with the people who used to be your closest friends. Now you want to put yourself out there and form a tribe again.
- You feel like you are too unique or weird. You desperately crave friendships but have a hard time believing that you will ever find someone who can really understand you.
Below are some great ways to form healthy and amazing friendships with others.
1. Be yourself. Authenticity is essential to making meaningful friendships. You won’t make great friends by being someone you aren’t. You might make superficial friendships this way but you will find it challenging to meet great friends when you aren’t being yourself. Not everyone will like you, which is completely okay! It’s actually a good thing because when you are yourself, you can easily filter out the people who you don’t really vibe with. Don’t try to make a friendship work when it’s clear that it’s not meant to be right now. Be yourself and surround yourself with the people who genuinely like you.
2. Remember that although you are a unique person, that you share something similar with others. One of my biggest barriers to making friends was believing that I never really fit in anywhere and was such an oddball. It felt hard to put myself out there because of worries and anxiety about being judged or disliked for who I truly am. As unique and out of place as you may feel right now, you need to accept that you are not so unique that others cannot relate to you and love you. People can and will relate to your wonderful personality, you just haven’t met them yet. Be courageous and show who you really are!
3. Be open-minded. You often don’t know what you want or need in a friendship. It can be easy to say that just because you are passionate about playing the guitar that your best friends will also be passionate about music. Or just because you follow this religion, all your friends must be religious too. There is some truth that shared interests can be a good sign of a friendship, but looking for friends who share all your interests may work against you. Instead of focusing on a checklist of superficial traits, be open-minded about the type of friends you might have. My friendships are filled with diverse people with unique interests. Some friendships I have many things in common, while others, I might just have one thing in common. Regardless of our shared interests, what is most important is how well we get along as people and that we have fun together and can rely on each other for support and encouragement.
4. Let go of any judgments. You might be missing out on a great friendship because you are focused too much on your differences. You might be against being someone’s friend because you are single and enjoying being a bachelor, when the guy who seems cool at work is happily married with children. Or you might believe all your friendships should be around your age and ignore the people who are older or younger than you. It doesn’t matter if you come from different cultures, upbringings or if you have different opinions on how to dye your hair. There’s no rule book on who should be your friend, so ditch the judgments. Connect with people and don’t allow what makes you different to get in the way of what could be a glorious friendship.
5. Be brave and put yourself out there. Friendships don’t evolve out of nowhere. Sure, there are a few close friendships that can happen from random circumstances but these are out of the ordinary. Often times you must be brave and work to make a friendship happens. That means you need to push your comfort zone and try different things and hobbies to meet new people until something clicks. That also means saying “yes” to going to events and even inviting people out yourself. Personally, I’ve made friends in a variety of different ways. I’ve met friends online, in class, tour groups, meetup groups or through mutual friends. Putting yourself out there is tough but it’s necessary to maximize your chances of meeting great people.
6. Be patient. The best relationships often take time to develop. Sure, there will be the odd person where you meet and have an instant connection and realized this was going to be a great friendship straight away. Most friendships do not work like that. The people I spend time regularly with after moving to Australia are people I maybe saw several times or so during the first year we met. The connection took time to develop. The strength and closeness of the friendship grew gradually over months or years. There are also people that I connected with quickly but it took a few weeks or months of hanging out before that connection really hit. Try to not be too upset if you are investing time in friendships and haven’t made a close friend just yet. These things take time and you may have met the right person already, but just haven’t had enough time for that connection to deepen just yet.
7. Stay committed. Forging quality friendships will take time. There will be moments where you are tempted to give up or just don’t feel like showing up. Maybe you are taking a class that you enjoy and regularly interact with your classmates but nothing is really happening. You might be tempted to just stop going to class because you haven’t formed any friendships yet. If you have a hobby that makes you feel good, then keep going. If you are getting something positive out of something you are doing, then stay committed. You never know what will happen. I made a friend through a website development course at college. We ended up working on a project together, and even though I didn’t make any friendships prior to that, I was able to make a friendship with her. Stay committed if you are gaining something positive from going.
8. Know when something isn’t working out, and walk away. Surrounding yourself with a healthy support network means you also need to cut any loose ends. You will inevitably meet people that you don’t connect with and may even be toxic for you. Just because you are committed to making great friendships, doesn’t mean you aren’t vulnerable to people who are toxic. When you see a red flag, walk away. If a friendship feels one-sided, then that’s okay, gradually let the friendship go or limit your time with someone. Ideally you want to spend much of your quality time with the people who matter the most, which are your loved ones. Don’t spend much, if any, of your quality time with people who are toxic or don’t really care for you.
9. Love yourself. Putting yourself out there and making new friends can be difficult. It’s not an easy thing, especially as an adult, to try and make great friendships. As you go through this journey, you might have days where you feel sad, unsure of yourself or wonder if you are doing something wrong. Stay positive and give yourself a hug. You are amazing the way that you are. There are people out there, who you can meet and connect with, who will genuinely love being around you. Remember, great friendships do take time and there will be days where the process seems easy and other times it will be difficult. You are loved and you are amazing. There are people out there who would count themselves lucky to be your friend!
10. This is your journey, so find your own way. Building a support network will be different for you than for other people. What works for me may not work for you. And that’s a good thing! I have a friend who is more introverted and prefers to spend quality time with a couple of friends at a time, while he sorts out who his tribe is. I’m more of an extrovert and am happy spending time with larger groups of people to figure out who I connect with. This is just one small difference of the journey to finding your tribe.
Finding your tribe may not be easy, but stay positive and keep being active. Eventually you will find the right people for you.