A couple of months ago I wrote a post about why people may seem mean. I wanted to follow up on how to deal with negative people. Even if you understand the reasons on why a person may be coming across as mean, it is still good to know how to deal with a difficult person. However, let me get into what a negative person is before delving further.
All of us are capable of being negative and mean at times. Life isn’t always glamorous, fun and joyous. All of us have moments or periods in our life where it can be tough to be positive. Some of us struggle with clinical depression which makes being positive even more challenging. Negative emotions can even be good for us at times and offer opportunities for growth, coping and relating to other people. Many of my best relationships with people are the ones where someone stood by me through the bad and good times. Negative interactions will happen in almost every relationship at some point or another and that’s normal and okay.
However, this post is written for anyone who consistently deals with a person who acts maliciously towards them or a person who consistently brings out negativity within you.
1. Stay positive. The last thing you should do with a negative person is judge or respond negatively yourself. You risk feeding fire to the flames by mirroring negativity or resorting to judging someone for their mean actions. At the end of the day, if you feel negatively towards someone than that is more about you than about them. True it is their behaviors that are coming across negatively but you have the choice to deal with your responses to this behavior. A great way to respond is to be positive. For instance, if your coworker has been irritable towards you, you might assume she is dealing with some personal issues at home rather than assuming she hates you or is a cold person. If a driver expresses road rage at you, then you might assume they are having a bad day rather than fuming about it for hours or days. Some situations can be more complex such as dealing with a mean partner or a mean parent but the best thing to do is keep a calm and positive attitude. Staying positive might involve you taking deep calm breaths and allowing yourself to relax about the situation. You might give yourself permission to not think about the negativity more than you need to. Seeking help from a support group, friends, caregivers and counseling can be beneficial for maintaining a calm and positive attitude.
2. Practice self-compassion. When someone treats you with negativity, you may start to feel negative about yourself too. I once had someone vocally say to me around other people that she did not want me to come to an event. This was a person I barely knew and I was shocked by what she said. After she said that I started to wonder if there was something about myself that made people not want to be my friend and started to have self-defeating thoughts as a result. When someone treats you unkindly the best thing you can do is stay strong and allow yourself to work through those feelings. It is normal to feel bad when someone is mean to you. Give yourself time to feel that pain and to recognize that often times a mean person is not speaking the truth, but is speaking from a place of pain, insecurity, depression and other factors that you may not be aware of.
3. Don’t react defensively and keep a calm attitude. People coming across as mean can often be tough to communicate with about the issue. There are cases where you may need to work towards communicating through a resolution such as with a partner or your family but in many cases trying to actively work through something can make the situation worse. If you are a kind and compassionate person you may find that many of the negative people in your life start to view you as a role model or therapist. You might even become a bit of a doormat, allowing them to unleash their negativity towards you without saying anything in response. As a result, you may mistakenly believe you are helping someone work through their negativity when in actuality you are enabling the behavior.
People who respond with anger, outrage and mirror the negative actions often create an environment for a dramatic and sometimes abusive interaction. Although you may feel like you are standing your ground and communicating your side through the anger, often times a mean person may not be able to be reasoned with. Mirroring the negativity can often create a situation that is worse. Instead of being defensive, take a deep breath and keep a calm attitude. Give yourself time to respond if needed. React to the negativity in a compassionate way. Great ways to react with compassion is by keeping calm, responding with factual information, changing the subject to something else or just walking away. If a situation is out of control and you feel it may be threatening your safety then you need to take precautions to protect yourself.
4. Set boundaries. Learn about when you need to step away from a situation or when you need to compassionately begin letting go of a relationship that feels toxic to you. Taking care of yourself should be a priority. When you feel like the negativity has become too much to handle, it is good to start setting boundaries on what you can tolerate. The boundaries may vary according to the relationship with the person. You may stop socializing with a coworker who tends to be aggressive with you. With a negative friend, you may not choose to leave the friendship but instead spend less time with the friend or even spend time with the friend in group settings rather than one on ones. In a romantic relationship, you may request some space and time for yourself while your partner deals with their personal issues. If a situation has become too toxic, you may choose to walk away from the relationship altogether. You may set the expectation that for the relationship to continue that you need couple’s or family counseling. With someone who has become abusive and makes you fearful you may seek out advice for authorities who may be able to give you assistance so that you can get appropriate protection.
5. Take action. All you can control is how you choose to deal with the situation. Find a way that you can effectively deal with the situation without compromising yourself in the process. Let’s say you work with someone who is pretty mean to you. Come up with ways where you can deal with the situation. Reacting to the situation with aggressiveness is not the answer. Instead you might consider trying to connect with a mean coworker. For instance, maybe if you go get lunch or have a coffee break together you might connect a bit more. You might participate in work meetings with a group of people rather than one on ones. If you feel the anger is specifically directed towards you, having other people around may diffuse the situation. You might find that the negativity is because you interact too much. Instead you might try to spend less time communicating with your coworker so that you can lessen how much you deal with the negative attitudes.
6. Accept the situation. Be realistic. Some people you just aren’t going to get along with. Let’s say you have a group of friends who absolutely adore this other person in the friend group. However, this friend is always mean to you and just doesn’t get along with you at all for reasons that you don’t understand. You wish you could get along with her because all your friends absolutely love her friendship but you both just aren’t compatible at all. A good way to be better equipped to deal with mean people is just accepting the reality of the situation. Once you accept the reality, you’ll become less aggravated by the situation and will start spending less energy trying to change their mind. You can spend more energy being flexible, respectful, open-minded and compassionate towards a person who is mean without feeling stress or negativity about the person.
If someone is being mean to you, the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself first. Trying to prove that the person is wrong or seek revenge will only make the situation worse and could turn you into a negative person as a result. Do what you need to do to remain positive and keep moving forward in your life regardless of the actions and words of a negative person.