You are the people that you choose to spend time with. Although this quote should not be taken completely literally, it is true that the people you surround yourself with have tremendous power over your life. Recently I went back to visit my hometown in the States for 5 weeks. I have friends in the USA but my support network there has changed dramatically. Many people have dropped out of touch after much effort on my end to stay in contact. Plenty of people have moved on in various ways. Unsurprisingly, many of my friends remained the same but I realized that I have changed. Whenever I caught up with people who I used to spend the majority of my time with years ago, I found myself feeling emotionally drained or getting the sense that we were both in very different stages of our lives. This wasn’t true for everyone back home as I still have some close friends that I keep in regular touch with, but certainly applied to the majority of people that I caught up with.
When I think back to the times when I was regularly spending time with these friends from California, I realize I was very different to how I am now. I didn’t plan as much or socialize as much. I had expectations that my dreams would never be fulfilled or that all my accomplishments were based on luck. The support from the majority of these friendships were minimal and I felt exhausted after spending time with many of my friends from that period of my life. The negativity of these people had spread onto me which affected my thoughts and behaviour.
When I moved away from my hometown in California, I ended up attracting friendships who were more compatible to my lifestyle. Sure my friends may have wildly different interests and we may disagree at times, but ultimately these are friends who are positive, supportive, proactive, want the best for myself and take responsibility for their own actions and behaviors.
If you feel like your support network isn’t all that supportive, it is definitely time to spend more time with the right people for you. Nobody can tell you who those people are, but these are the people who you respect, admire, make your day better, are supportive and reflect your own values. This person can be your mother, brother, boyfriend, wife, childhood friend or that cool guy you just met a few months ago. Again, you may have differences such as different political ideals, differing opinions on sports and you may not share the same type for a partner. However, what does matter is sharing the same values and acting upon those values. Below are some tips to build a good support group for your life.
Figure out who you are and what your values are. Before you can identify your support group, you need to have a solid understanding of who you are. Be patient with yourself while you figure this out and be honest. During my teenage years I felt like my values were based on what my family or friends wanted, and not actually on what I wanted. It took most of my early twenties to feel confident in understanding what my values are. When you know and respect your values, you may find that it is much easier to spend less time with people who do not share the same values. Again, this process takes time and patience. You have to know YOUR values and the vision YOU want for your future. Nobody else can guide you on that vision, so it’s important to be truly honest with yourself about who you are and the kind of person you want to be.
Be happy being by yourself. This may sound counterintuitive but to truly find your tribe, you have to be willing to be okay being by yourself. Often times we feel tempted to hang out with someone who really isn’t compatible to us based on just feeling lonely or wanting something to do on a Friday night. I used to have a couple of friends that I’d see regularly just to kill time. Sure, I’d have fun at the time but afterwards I would feel drained and wonder why I didn’t choose to just stay home and relax instead. Being alone also gives you time to reflect on who you actually want to be friends with. When you are constantly agreeing to plans with people, it doesn’t really give you time to process if that friendship is healthy for you.
Spend quality time with the significant people in your life. A great friendship is one that should be appreciated, valued, nourished and given your full attention. A big killer for a wonderful friendship is neglect. Stay involved in your friends lives. Even if there is a distance you can organize regular times to stay in touch and stay involved in their life. Set aside time each week or a few times a month to catch up with your best friend or a very close family member. Make sure to spend quality time with your loved one. A healthy and strong relationship needs two people to make an effort to spend time with each other. So if you find yourself giving excuses such as being too busy, work on making time for the significant people in your life.
Great relationships take time and patience. When I first moved to Sydney a few years ago, I really desired close friendships. I had left behind some amazing friendships in the States and just wanted to make a support group in the new country that I was in. I ended up meeting people who would later become wonderful friends, but the process took at least a year. Remember healthy relationships take time, patience and people who value each other and really want to foster a great friendship.
The right support group will help you grow and become a better person. These are the people who believe in you, inspire you and truly want the best for you. Your support group is kind to you and will give you positive energy so that you will feel safe when sharing and pursuing your goals.
Your support group will have a natural connection to you. To a certain degree you can choose your friends, but much of your support group will be people you share a connection with that is organic and genuine. I plan quite a few events every year and when choosing who to invite, there are people who I have obvious similarities and have similar goals, but ultimately we just do not click. I may invite them out several times, but the connection just feels forced. I have a friend I have seen maybe ten times in the last year, and met two years ago, but for some reason we have a genuine connection. Things with her are easy, we get along, she’s reliable, kind and is a person in my support group. Sure, we may not share similar ambitious drives nor have the exact same interests but our connection is natural. Be wary of trying to force a connection that isn’t there. Although you can choose your friendships to a certain degree, forcing a friendship is often a sign of an incompatibility. You may admire this person and really feel like you have similar values, but the friendship lacks the right amount of chemistry to succeed.
I do agree that to a certain degree you are the people that you choose to spend time with, but try to not read too much into this statement. You shouldn’t have to ditch friendships just because they are not your best friend. Personally, I have many friends. The closest friends are the ones that get the majority of my time. The people who are not that close to me, are ones I see every so often or see at group hangouts. The point of that quote is to identify, value and nourish the people who are in your tribe. Yet, you may still have quite a few friendships that are based on shared history, love of similar interests or even a biological bond such as your sister or father. Ultimately work on surrounding yourself with people who are positive, kind and who truly care about you.