Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings that we can experience. My first experience with this awful feeling was with a classmate from high school. I adored him from afar but was too shy and scared to profess my feelings that I liked him.
This pattern continued over the years with a couple of other people. There was a person I could never seem to let go of and other people where I knew a relationship wasn’t going to happen and had to walk away. Some of these people were friends and another I had dated briefly.
I’m sure you might be able to relate to this situation. There are various ways unrequited love can occur, but the pain is still the same.
You might silently love someone who is unavailable to you due to their relationship status, sexual orientation, wildly different opinions about having children or other reasons. Regardless, you know that your love will not be returned and that a relationship cannot move forward.
You might be in love with one of your friends. Maybe even your best friend. You feel deep in your heart that this relationship is perfect for the both of you, and that this person is your soul mate. Yet, this other person just doesn’t return your feelings at all.
You might be in a situation where you are in love with the person you are in a relationship with. Yet, you know this person doesn’t have strong feelings for you. Sure, they might like you and enjoy your company but you know this person isn’t in love with you and that there is an imbalance in the relationship.
Or maybe this person once loved you, but suddenly doesn’t. You aren’t even sure when their feelings changed but even though you deeply love this person, this person doesn’t love you anymore and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you.
Unrequited love can be painful, and allowing yourself to continue to be in love with another may prevent you from moving forward. It’s important that you recognize when the dynamic has become unhealthy and why it’s important for you to not be afraid to let go.
Below are some things I have learned about unrequited love. Hopefully these tips can help you move forward and know what is best for you.
Your happiness has nothing to do with another person. I know right now, you believe your world would be perfect if this person just reciprocated your feelings. Well, here’s the truth. You hold the keys to your happiness, not this other person.
Also let’s be realistic. How would a relationship truly look if you both ended up together?
I have a friend who used to be in love with one of his best friends for years. She never returned his feelings but he was convinced they were perfect together. He never tried to meet other women and he had low self-esteem because this one girl never returned his feelings. His whole energy was spent being the perfect friend to her, that his other friendships were neglected.
Eventually I had to be cutthroat honest and tell him that they aren’t a good match. And I had to ask him how he envisioned their relationship if they got together.
Well turns out this friend he was in love with, didn’t really treat him well as a friend. So why would she suddenly become a great girlfriend if she isn’t even a great friend? They also had different interests and values which would cause conflict in a romantic relationship. She also didn’t value and appreciate him as a friend which wouldn’t translate well in a romantic relationship.
After spelling this out for my friend several times, he finally moved on. He focused on making other great friendships, with people who valued and appreciated him.
He’s put himself out there and been on dates. He even had a woman at a party express interest in dating him to a mutual friend. He’s doing great because he finally realized that he can live a happy and wonderful life without needing this one person in the world to love him. On a positive note, he met someone else and has been in a happy relationship for almost a year! And unsurprisingly, he cut off that woman he used to be in love with because he finally realized she wasn’t a good friend at all.
You can live an amazing and happy life without this person loving you. I understand that right now it may be hard to believe, especially since your thoughts are focused so much on this other person. But you hold the keys to your happiness.
Find ways to make your life happier right now. Invest your time into a passion and hobby. Meet new people. Go out on a fun date with someone. Travel somewhere new.
Stop believing that you can change or fix the situation. Unrequited love can warp your thinking about love. Most of the time, unrequited love is unhealthy.
You might think you need to change who you are for someone to be attracted to you. You might think you have to lose weight, gain muscle, dye your hair, change your clothes and be someone who isn’t you at all. Or you might believe that you need to work on your confidence, change your interests and change how you spend your day to make this person notice you.
You might have low self-worth and believe that love needs to be earned. It might be hard for you to accept that someone can love you just for who you are right now. As a result, you have a habit of getting into toxic relationships where you feel like you must gain someone’s love.
There might be a situation where a person strings you along for months and years. This person likes you and enjoys being around you, and you try to justify why this person doesn’t love you. You might believe he’s been hurt before and isn’t ready for your love or is afraid of love. You will look for excuses to keep being strung along, hoping that in time, this person will wake up and realize he’s been in love with you all along. Don’t allow yourself to be caught up in a situation like this or to believe that the right person for you needs years to figure out that they love you.
You might be in a one-sided relationship where you make most of the effort, and believe that this person will eventually stop taking you for granted.
Whatever your situation, you must realize that there’s nothing you can do to change or fix the situation. You will only do more damage to your heart by trying to fix the situation.
There are occasions where unrequited love can become reciprocal. The person who wasn’t in love with you does realize that she loves you for whatever reason, but this is a change that happens naturally and without you trying to make it happen.
I know someone who met a girl and decided to end things because he didn’t feel like he liked her. They stayed friends and became close friends. She met a guy and fell in love. My friend realized that he did have feelings for her and regretted his decision, but she was in a happy relationship with a man who is now her husband.
My friend’s feelings changed but only once he saw how his friend had moved on and met someone else.
One of my friend’s moms have been best friends with her college friend for decades. She suspected her college friend had feelings for her but didn’t feel the same way. They both married other people and had families. Fast forward a few decades, and my friend’s mom is finalizing her divorce and now in a relationship with her college friend (who also divorced years ago).
The point of these stories is to convey that sometimes people’s feelings can be change, but it has nothing to do with you much of the time. The best thing you can do is find happiness within your own life and move forward.
If the love you have for this person is supposed to result in a relationship at some point in your life, this will happen organically and without you having to manipulate or force their feelings.
If you struggle with obsessing over the person you love, then consider reaching out for help. Your friends, loved ones or even a forum can help provide you with support. Also reach out to a therapist to understand why you are spending considerable amounts of time focused on this other person.
Love is a feeling. Remember that love is something that can be given and received. Love is not a person. This person that you care deeply about does not encompass love. You may have very strong feelings for this person, but love is a feeling and not this specific person.
As humans, we cannot help who we fall in love with. That is why many of us can’t force love, even when things seem perfect on paper. It also explains why some of us can fall in love with people who are incompatible, don’t return our feelings or generally don’t add to our happiness.
Your love will always exist and it can change over time. The romantic love you have for someone right now, may change into a kind and platonic love in the future. Your love can be shared with other people, and one day you may find yourself in love with someone else. Better yet, that person may love you in return and you get to experience that beautiful joy of love shared between two people.
Create some distance. The best way to stop allowing your feelings to focus so much on this other person is to create some healthy distance.
There are no rules on the types of distance you should have or how it should be implemented. Each situation is different but take some time to establish what kind of space you need so that your heart can heal.
You might need to stop seeing this person for several months, stop texting them or temporarily disable your social media so you don’t think so much about what they are doing or who they are with.
Maybe this person is very close to you, and you just need to focus on other hobbies and friendships. This is especially important if you are in love with a best friend. You don’t have to ditch the friendship but you can form new friendships or get involved in hobbies or a passion that takes your mind off this person.
If the relationship feels unbalanced then stop making so much of an effort. Stop offering your help when they need a favour, don’t return their messages or calls right away and don’t bail on your other loved ones just to give this person advice. Establish healthy boundaries.
Learn to treat this person you love just like any other person. The more you make the friendship balanced, the easier it will be for to move forward and have a healthy friendship with this person.
The same applies to a one-sided relationship. Investing more energy into your boyfriend or girlfriend will not make him or her love you more. Work to make your energy balanced with your significant other, and if you want more from the relationship, then you need to accept that this relationship isn’t working for you.
Channel your feelings into something else. Love isn’t an emotion you can just shut off. You might be taking steps to move forward but still in love with this person. And remember that your love isn’t there to make that other person love you. As much as you care about this person, your love isn’t meant to make that person fall in love with you.
But you can use those emotions for something productive. Love can be an inspiration for a meaningful project or a way to get some intense studying down for a big exam.
One of the best ways to get over someone is to channel those emotions into something productive and exciting to you. Maybe you can invest your energy into writing, creating art or studying something for school.
This could be a great time to take on an additional project at work or start a hobby.
You could channel your feelings into exercise such as long walks, running or yoga.
After a horrible breakup, I channelled much of my emotions into my writing. I wrote pages and pages of poetry, tons of stories and was very productive during that time. Writing helped me heal from the pain and move forward.
Love yourself. Having love for yourself is exactly what you need to deal with unrequited love. You may still love this other person, but you must love yourself enough to let go and move forward.
A similar realization happened to me during my last instance of unrequited love. I knew from past experiences what the pattern could be for me. I could pine after this person, fantasize about what could be for months and eventually pick myself up again and move forward after I had exhausted all my energy and time thinking about this person.
I knew that I didn’t want to go through this cycle again. Because focusing too much on unrequited love is a waste of time and keeps me stuck in the past and a future of unlikely possibilities. Instead, I decided to take care of myself and focus on me.
I did the things that made me feel good. I surrounded myself with loving friends and family. I did fun social things like go hiking, go to pub crawls or enjoy a night out with my friends. Eventually I put myself out there and started dating. And eventually I got over this person and moved forward.
You must find the courage to love yourself first. The easy option is to hold onto your unrequited love and the memories and the pain. It’s easy to hold onto someone that feels familiar and is ultimately unreachable to us. It’s easy to get caught up in unrequited love rather than put yourself out there and meet someone new. It’s easy to not let go rather than take the risk to meet someone who could potentially hurt you or be the love of your life.
Remember that you are not empty without this person’s love. You are complete as you are. Love is a not a possession and just like the person you care for does not possess your heart, you do not possess this person.
Truly loving yourself means that you must let this unrequited love go. You allow yourself to become vulnerable again and share your love with the world. You must be strong enough to always have love for yourself.
Find the strength to walk away. Just because you love someone, doesn’t mean that this person must remain in your life. I know that right now you may fear a life without this person and believe that this person is meant to be in your life, but that is your fear speaking.
You fear letting this person go and facing an unknown future where you need to let go, take steps forward and allow yourself to mourn the relationship.
In many cases, purposely allowing yourself to continue dating or being friends with someone who doesn’t love you only causes you harm. Please don’t think your situation is an exception either. When a situation is hurting you, then it’s important to walk away and stop looking for ways to stay in this person’s life.
Instead surround yourself with positive and loving people. Stop blaming yourself for being in that situation. You can’t help who you fall in love with, but you can control your actions once you realize that the situation is causing you pain.
Start believing that you can love someone else again, because you will. Trust that there is someone in the world for you and you will meet this person someday.
Allow your heart to heal and be open to the opportunities that the universe gives you. There is someone amazing out there who will truly love you. Be happy. Live your life, and see what the universe provides you.