Friendships are valuable and necessary. However, understanding the type of friendships worth fighting for may not be as straight forward. Recently I’ve been dealing with some disappointments and positive realizations about friendships in my life. I’ve realized that people I’ve known for years may not actually be solid and good friendships. I’ve also been faced with some experiences where I’ve realized how beautiful my friendships are with several people in my life. Although I may not have a huge quantity of friends, the quality of my friendships has increased.
When I was younger, I definitely took these friendships for granted. It seemed easier to devote more time into friendships that seemed easy or more compatible at the time. Disagreements, annoyance or an occasional outburst of anger seemed like a sign that a friendship was not meant to be. However, as time went by and I went through positive and negative experiences, I realized which friends were truly there for me. Sure, we sometimes got annoyed with each other and we may be different in some ways, but the friendship is great and has grown throughout time. I’ve also had friendships where there was a connection straight away and we seemed to “get” each other. However, many of these friendships could not withstand geographic barriers or the person was someone I could easily lose contact with.
Below are 11 types of friendships that are worth holding onto and fighting for.
1. Friends who are truthful with you. Lying can seem easy in a friendship. A friend may start out by telling you what seems like small lies, intended with kindness and to cover up our feelings from being hurt. However, lies can build quickly and sometimes spiral out of control. A good friend delivers honesty and sometimes that honesty isn’t what we want to hear. A good friend usually will deliver the truth kindly and it is not intended to hurt you but make you grow. For instance, a friend wouldn’t lie to you if they felt you had a drinking problem. Instead a friend would tell you their concerns and suggest support that may help you. A friend wouldn’t tolerate the times when you were being disrespectful. A friend would tell you they feel disrespected and that disrespectful behavior will not be tolerated, even by them. If you find yourself losing sight of your values and going off track, a friend wouldn’t support you going in the wrong direction. A good friend would voice their concerns and help you get back on the right track. A friend won’t sugar coat the truth and can give brutal honesty when required. A good friend understands that lying to you by always agreeing with what you say, even when they know it is not right, will ultimately hurt you. Hold onto the friends who have the strength to be honest. Being honest isn’t easy and you do risk hurting someone and losing a friendship by being brutally honest. Cherish the kind of friend who cares enough about you to give you the truth when you need to hear it.
2. Friends who make the effort. Friendships require effort. When I was younger I believed that friendships were supposed to be effortless and easy. In time I realized that friendships require far more effort than I initially thought they would. A good friendship requires flexibility, understanding and compromise. Two people who have wildly different experiences, perspectives and beliefs may clash at times. There’s nothing wrong with having conflicts with a friend, but putting in the effort allows the friendship to grow, move forward and become stronger. There’s nothing wrong if you and a friend are occasionally having arguments, get irritated at each other or don’t necessarily agree on everything. A couple of years ago I was speaking with a friend about his best friend. He said that him and his friend very rarely agree on certain topics such as politics. They often debate and sometimes they get angry at each other about their political beliefs. However, he trusts his best friend 100% and knows that he can count on his friend because they have both made the effort to grow their friendship and understand things from each others perspectives. Even if your friend is your soul mate, you may face issues where you will clash. These issues may arrive when you are their maid of honor and wedding stresses become too much, don’t get along with their partner, make mistakes or say something that is taken the wrong way. Good friends make the effort to move past the situation and become stronger as a result.
3. Friends who make time for each other. Personally, if I’m out of contact with a friend for months, I feel like the quality of the friendship diminishes tremendously. A friendship requires connection. Even when you are separated by large distances, you can still remain connected with a friend. Good friends don’t take their friendship for granted. A good friend doesn’t drop off the map for months or years or leave you hanging when you really need them. I’ve learned that my best friends stay in contact with me. We may not always be in contact daily, or weekly, but we touch base regularly enough for me to know that we still have a connection. Take time to check in with a friend every so often. Give your friend a call, send them a thoughtful message and most importantly, organize a time to hang out and catch up in person. If you are always reaching out, and your friend doesn’t respond or make time for you, then now may be a good time to reassess the quality of this friendship. Don’t walk away when problems arise either. Good friends don’t run away when things get tough. Even when there’s an argument, good friends make time to meet up and work things out.
4. Friends who are your support system and cheer leaders. A good friend is supportive of your dreams and is an encouraging person in your life. When life gets hard and you start to doubt yourself, a good friend picks you right back up and tells you that you are wrong and that you can achieve your dreams. These supportive friends show their encouragement through a variety of ways. Maybe you have a friend that you can always call when you are upset. Or maybe there’s a friend who helps you revise your resume, gives you job advice and keeps telling you that the right company will hire you and to never give up. Or maybe you have a friend that always listens to you. They don’t need to give advice, aren’t judgmental and are always there for you. Value a friend who supports you and encourages you. These are the people who will inspire you and help you keep going even when life gets really tough.
5. Friends that are generous with you. A good friend is one who thinks about your needs. These friends are the kind who might spontaneously bake you a dessert to brighten your day, give you a thoughtful and unexpected gift, listen to you when you most need it and know how to make your life easier. Don’t confuse these friends with the kind who try to win you over with grand gestures, exaggerated compliments, gifts or money. Good friends are generous out of love and kindness. They aren’t trying to win your friendship, but are showing you how much they care for you. A generous friend may agree to see a movie she dislikes to spend time with you, help you organize a fundraiser, throw you a surprise party or carve out time for you each week to hang out and catch up. These types of friends know what you need and want, and are willing to give that to you. Value a friend who is generous as they care a great deal about your happiness.
6. Friends that face challenges with you. A great way to sort out your good friends is to think of the friends who have been there for you during tough times. These are the friends who visited you in the hospital when you were sick, the ones who supported you during the death of a loved one or who spent time helping you pass an important exam. Many people in our lives tend to be there for us in a convenient way. These people may offer for you to stay at their place for one night while you are homeless or will give you quick advice as a solution. The majority of my friends would be willing to give me quick help that didn’t really inconvenience them. However, true friends are there for the long haul. These people will really help you get your feet back on the ground. Even when they don’t have the answers they will be there to listen, for support and be patient when a challenge will take a long time to get through. You can always count on a friend who faces challenges with you. You know they won’t drop off the Earth when life is tough for you, and reappear after you get everything sorted. These are the friends that will be there for you during the good and bad times.
7. Friends who allow you to grow and change. Have you ever been friends with someone for over a decade or so? Is this friend still the same as the first day you met them? It is likely that you and your friend have changed over the years. Unhealthy friendships find change and growth very uncomfortable. Once you start making positive changes and grow, these types of friends will often disappear from our lives. Perhaps these people don’t want you to make changes, feel stuck themselves and are insecure about you moving forward or simply just want things to remain the same forever. For instance, I’m not close with the majority of my high school friends as we have dramatically grown apart and we don’t value the friendship the way we did in high school. A true friend will understand and support that you need to grow. For instance, I have a friend from high school who I am still close with. Our paths are different and we have grown into very different people, but we are still good friends. The reason we can continue to be good friends is because we both support each others growth and changes. Although we didn’t grow in the same ways and are in very different places in our lives, we ultimately want each other to do what we need to do to live the lives we want. Neither one of us is against the changes we are making in our lives. Even if your friends are different from you, hold onto the ones who are happy to see you growing and changing. These friends love hearing about your changes and are excited you are doing different things and having fun experiences.
8. Friends that show respect. A good friend doesn’t do something horrible to hurt you. For instance, a good friend wouldn’t tell people your secrets and betray your trust. A good friend doesn’t take out their anger by speaking slander publicly against you. A good friend works out their issues with you rather than talking about the issue to everyone but you. Years ago I realized that telling people too much about a situation with a friend is not fair to the friendship or to my friend. In other words I’m not being a good friend by talking negatively about that friendship to other people. For instance, your friendship is unique and special to you for a reason. However, every friendship has issues. By speaking about those issues to other people, not only will people paint an inaccurate and negative picture about your friend, but they may convince you that the friendship is worth throwing away. If you have issues with your friend, then show them respect by working through these issues with that friend. Value a friend that always respects you no matter what.
9. Friendships that withstand the distance. Many people in our lives will need to move elsewhere to pursue their dreams. You will likely face a situation where your closest friends have moved or are contemplating moving. Saying goodbye to a close friend can be difficult but a true friendship will get through the distance regardless. I have a couple of close friendships that have geographic barriers. One friend I speak to almost weekly or bi-weekly. The other friend I touch base with every few months via a phone call but she always carves out time for me when I need it. People make it work for friends that they care about. Friends can visit, call, send an occasional email or basically check in. Hold tight to friends who make an effort to stay in your life even when you are miles away.
10. A friend who can tolerate you during the rough times. We are not always at our best. There are days where I can be irritable, cranky, angry or lash out on someone unnecessarily. I’ve had close friends lash out at me due to dealing with depression or drop off the map unexpectedly during a personal crisis. A good friend handles these rough setbacks with tolerance. For instance, one time I got unreasonably upset with a friend due to needing some space. I lashed out unnecessarily and was so angry about the situation that I never apologized for it later. My friend quietly forgave me and understood that I was going through a rough time. I also show tolerance and kindness to my good friends whenever they go through times where they are being unreasonable or angry. A good friendship won’t be destroyed by the occasional outburst. A good friend will show kindness, patience and forgiveness when a friend acts uncharacteristically upset about something. Value the friends that choose to love and forgive you even when you are at your worst.
11. Friends who make you feel like you are their equal. Some of our best friends may be at a different stage in their life. I have one friend who is very wealthy by my standards and others who make barely more than minimum wage. Some friends have different types of educational degrees while others have barely passed high school. Good friends aren’t trying to compare your success with theirs and don’t view you as someone less than or better than them. You can talk about your money issues without feeling judged by a good friend. You can tell your best friend about your divorce, even if your friend is still married to their childhood secret. Good friends treat each other as equals and not like their lives are better. Value a friend who always treats you as a good friend, even if your lives are in wildly different places.
Ultimately true friends are the ones who love you unconditionally and whom you can always trust and rely on. These friends are the ones who are always there for you. Friendships are very valuable and it is important to nourish and take care of those friendship. How do you nourish your friendships? Who are the good friends in your life?