Vulnerability is a key to not only being authentic with ourselves but being authentic in our relationships with other people. Choosing to be vulnerable is a very hard thing to do. You put yourself out there to be misunderstood, rejected, judged or even disliked by someone. The stakes can seem too high to even allow the risk.
In my early twenties I have a distinct memory of letting my guard down and being silly around a friend. This friend was someone I could have deep and serious conversations with but I never really got to show my silly and fun side since I was worried this friend might judge me or think I’m strange. One evening while we were having dinner, I decided to joke around and be the silly person that I am. Unfortunately my friend reacted in the way I had expected. Not only did my friend look freaked out by my silliness but asked me to stop. We aren’t friends anymore today, not because of that incident, but because ultimately I could not really be vulnerable or real with this person. Much of this story has more to do with myself than the person who reacted negatively towards my vulnerability. I did not have faith in who I was. I saw negatives in parts of myself and was embarrassed to show it off. At the sign of someone reacting negatively to my authenticity, I immediately hid that side of me away. I did not stand up for my authentic self or continue to show that part of myself to that person. Instead I hid that part of me away as if it was something I should be ashamed of.
Many of us crave vulnerability but continue to push it away or prevent ourselves from being vulnerable. Why is vulnerability so hard?
- We don’t love ourselves. Fear of vulnerability has much to do with not accepting yourself. It can be really difficult to even know if we love ourselves. For a long time I was completely unaware of the fact that I didn’t love myself. I liked myself and didn’t want to be anyone but me, but that didn’t necessarily equate to loving myself. The truth is that for a long time I was ashamed of parts of me that seemed odd or I believed that I was not lovable. As a result, I hid parts of myself from other people. I allowed other people to see my strengths and the parts that I knew most people enjoyed about me such as my calm demeanour or my ability to be kind. But I hid the parts about me that I felt were weak or odd. Not loving yourself prevents you from being vulnerable. You only show parts of yourself but not the whole.
- We don’t want to get hurt. Being vulnerable and having someone reject you can feel humiliating and embarrassing. For instance my last breakup with someone was by far the hardest. At the time, I felt like my ex knew me the most, more so than anyone else. I had allowed myself to be vulnerable and open with him. As a result, he ended up unintentionally or intentionally using my vulnerabilities against me. Being vulnerable with someone allows that person into the deepest parts of your soul. As a result that person can hurt you. However, being vulnerable with someone is what unlocks the deepest and most beautiful parts of love. You can’t allow yourself to be in a truly loving and accepting relationship until you are vulnerable. However, taking the risk of feeling pain can prevent you from wanting to expose your true self to another person.
- You don’t know how to be vulnerable. Many of us want to be vulnerable but actually don’t know how. For years I was unable to let down my guard and be vulnerable. I remember friends commenting that they wanted to know more about my life and wanted to support me but I wouldn’t allow them to. At the time, I had no idea how to be open and vulnerable with someone. Looking back what helped me become more vulnerable had quite a bit to do with my last serious relationship as it was easy to open up to him and how I coped with the breakup, as I had to put myself in a position to open up about my feelings. Over time I became better at being vulnerable but this was a process that took years.
- You view your vulnerability as an inconvenience. If you are a natural giver you may feel that exposing your authentic self may actually be inconvenient to someone else. Why would someone want to hear about my thoughts and problems? They already have too much going on in their lives. My thoughts are probably silly so I shouldn’t bore someone with what I truly feel and believe. Viewing your vulnerability as an inconvenience ties in with self-love in many ways. If you see your vulnerability as a weakness, boring, disruptive or inconvenient then you may be telling yourself that your true and authentic feelings are not all that important.
- You are afraid to take responsibility. Being vulnerable means that you have to own up to your mistakes, errors and the parts you’ve played in something. If you messed up at work, part of being vulnerable is apologizing to the people involved and finding a resolution. It takes vulnerability to admit to a partner when you were wrong and made a mistake. Vulnerability is needed to let a friend know that you weren’t there for her when you should have been and how you have messed up as a friend. Being vulnerable is part of what allows us to accept that we have flaws and are capable of making mistakes.
Being vulnerable is very important and necessary for self-love and relationships to other people. Keeping people at a distance from yourself will only limit the quality of relationships that you are able to have. You’ll find yourself lacking close friendships and not being able to have a real and long lasting relationship with someone as a result of a fear of being vulnerability. Here are 4 ways to become more vulnerable.
Practice being vulnerable. Opening up to other people is not something learned overnight. I’m generally a pretty open person but learning to be vulnerable was very difficult for me. Luckily, I have friends who pushed me when I started to shut down and didn’t give up on me. Practice being vulnerable and don’t expect to be vulnerable right away. Start by opening yourself up with people you trust and feel safe with. Allow yourself to be vulnerable a little bit at a time. The more you practice being vulnerable, the more you’ll start to feel comfortable.
Work on loving yourself. This is easier said than done. Self-love can be difficult to develop. Start to understand that you are a human being who has strengths and weaknesses. Remember that your weaknesses are what makes you you and can even be strengths from a different perspective. Focus on the things that you love about yourself. Ask your friend what they like about you and why. You might realize that you have all sorts of fun traits that make you endearing. For instance, when I was younger I hated my smile and I hated my humor. I felt I had an unattractive smile and that my humor was stupid. As a result I felt self-conscious about making jokes and smiling. Ironically, my smile is one of the biggest compliments I get from people and I realize now that my smile is one of the more attractive things about myself. My humor is also something that my friends love. Sure, some people may not get my humor but there are plenty of people who do get my humor and love it. You probably have traits about yourself that you dislike but that people genuinely love about you.
Make the choice to get real in your relationships. If you want a great relationship you have to be vulnerable. There’s no way around that. All of us have a desire to find love with another, whether that’s a platonic or romantic love. All of us desire to find a deep love where someone understands us. We want to trust someone fully with our hearts. Having this kind of love requires that you become vulnerable with another person. If you find yourself scared of falling in love or pushing away someone that is trying to get close to you, then you are ultimately pushing away the kind of love you desire in your life. You have to make the choice to be vulnerable so that your relationships can grow.
Work on any issues you may be dealing with. If you are struggling with depression, anxiety, feelings of low self-worth or even suicidal thoughts then strongly consider seeking therapy. Invest in healing yourself. Having a fear of vulnerability could be inhibiting you from seeing a therapist since that would involve you opening up about your own issues and taking accountability for some of your struggles. Take the first step in getting the help you need. The process may not be easy and you may need to go to quite a few sessions and hunt around for the right therapist, but taking time to go to therapy and work through any issues will have lifelong benefits to you.
Being vulnerable is important for yourself and your relationships. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and authentic will help you realize that all of you is deserving of love and that you can have stronger relationships with the people in your life. In what ways have you overcome the barriers of vulnerability?