I used to have a difficult time understanding why people could fear love. And then one day I realized that I was fearful of love but didn’t actually realize it. I definitely desired love and wanted to find someone who loved me, but I still feared the reality of actually falling in love with someone. The fear of love can reveal itself in different ways or at various stages of a relationship.
Some people might have a tendency to end a relationship or dating scenario once they begin to feel attached or start really caring about a person. You might tend to run away at the first sign of conflict or discomfort. Other people are in a state of indecisiveness, never wanting to fully commit to someone because of a fear that there may be someone better out there for them. Some people might feel distrustful or suspicious of a person who loves them and may end up sabotaging the relationship as a result. Many of us feel like love is scary but cannot actually figure out why love is scary to us. Unfortunately, without understanding the reasons why we may be scared to fall in love may be the very thing that is preventing us from working towards accepting and welcoming love into our lives.
Below are reasons on why you may fear love and what you can do to manage those fears.
1. Love reminds us of painful experiences. Many of us have been through a painful experience in the realm of romance. Perhaps your last partner cheated and lied to you. Maybe your last partner was incredibly hurtful towards you, and you dealt with manipulation and abuse in the process. Maybe the relationship was overall pretty healthy but your partner decided that a break up was necessary, leaving you feeling very hurt. Painful experiences don’t just involve your past relationships either. You might find that you fear love because your parents went through a painful divorce or you have seen your best friend go through so much pain from a relationship recently. Maybe you have been mistreated or harassed by certain people which makes you worry over the pain those people cause in their own personal relationships.
Solution: Negative experiences can be easy for us to focus on. However, negative experiences don’t exactly reflect the reality. The reality is that there are many positive and negative experiences in love. Try to not over-focus on the painful experiences that result in you discounting positive memories and experiences. Focus on the fact that there are many people who are in loving and healthy relationships. There are also many people who have become stronger after a painful experience and have found healthy love after a negative experience. Love can be wonderful, joyous and an amazing experience that you can share with someone. Yes, some people, including yourself may have had negative experiences with love but that doesn’t mean that these same people cannot have an amazing experience with love.
2. Love requires that we become vulnerable. Falling in love makes us confront our own vulnerability by allowing someone to truly get to know you. Some of us believe that people only like us because of a façade that we put on or that someone will leave us if they truly got to know us. Allowing ourselves to show the best and worst of ourselves to a loved one can be very scary. You may not be sure if this person will run away the moment you let your walls down and show your authentic self to the person. You may worry about the potential pain you might cause yourself by allowing someone to see you completely for who you are.
Solution: Remember that everyone is not perfect. Yes, you are not perfect. You have your own set of flaws and strengths but so does everyone around you, including the person you are falling in love with. When a person falls in love with you, they are choosing to love you with all your strengths and flaws. An honest and authentic relationship requires that you show your full self to another person. There is no way to have a healthy and loving relationship without authenticity.
3. Love is imbalanced. Have you ever been in a situation where you feared entering a relationship because someone liked you more than you liked them? You were hesitant to enter into a relationship or allow the relationship to develop because you were worried that your feelings would not quite match up to the intensity of the other person. Many of us have an inaccurate belief that love should be equal. Truthfully, there is no real measure of love and love is always changing. There may be periods where you feel less in love with your partner and other points in your life where you feel even more in love than your partner. The problem with believing that love should be balanced is that you cheat yourself of a potentially great relationship. Even if you love the person you are with, this worry about the love being balanced may cause you to run at the first sign of doubt about your feelings or keep you from committing to a partner. The belief that love should be balanced may result in you not allowing your feelings to develop naturally. Because your feelings aren’t developing at the rate you believe they should, you might write off someone too quickly.
Solution: Redefine your beliefs about love being balanced and equal at all times. Developing a more realistic belief about love will help you establish healthier relationships and not stress too much about how much your partner loves you at any given point. Allow yourself to develop a relationship organically. Try to not put timelines on yourself or on another person. For instance during the dating process, try to not give yourself arbitrary timelines. Don’t tell yourself that you need to fall in love within 2 months of knowing someone or that if someone loves you more than you love them at this moment, that it isn’t meant to be. Give yourself permission to let the relationship go at its own pace and to let your feelings develop at a natural pace. Love can blossom over weeks or months. Love can even blossom amongst close friends over a period of years. Allow your feelings to develop organically so that you don’t cheat yourself of an amazing relationship.
4. Love makes us confront our fears about being trapped. Being in a relationship can result in the worry that this other person may demand much of our time and attention. You may worry that you will need to prioritize another person over other important things in your life such as your family, friendships, career and passions. Everybody is different regarding independence. In the past, I had issues with co-dependency in a relationship and always needed to carve out too much time for my partner. Nowadays I value and appreciate independence. Spending time with a partner is important to me but I can keep myself entertained with friendships and my passions throughout the week. Many of us worry about losing ourselves in a relationship and not holding onto the things that make us who we are.
Solution: When entering a relationship, you may feel at times like you are suffocated or trapped. The best thing to do is not to panic and instantly break up with this person. Instead have open communication with your partner. Don’t assume this person understands your needs and wants. Your partner may have no idea you want more independence and maybe your partner wants independence too. Be clear about what you want. Let your partner knew you need some “me” time during the weekdays but the weekends are all for them. Set clear expectations on how much you’d like to text, call or communicate throughout the day. Hear your partner out on what they would like and work through a good resolution for the both of you.
5. Love makes us confront ourselves. When you fall in love with someone, you invite a person into your life who sees you for who you really are. Your partner knows your strengths, weaknesses, passions, fears, flaws and so forth. Many of us have grown up believing that we are undeserving of love. As a result you may tell yourself things like you are uninteresting, boring, unattractive and other things that you truly believe but may not reflect reality. When someone falls in love with you, this person sees you for who you truly are and loves you and appreciates you. Someone challenging life-long negative beliefs about ourselves can be very uncomfortable. Their words may be nice to hear but you may find yourself reacting defensively and almost trying to prove this person wrong. As a result you end up pushing away love because love can challenge lifelong negative beliefs about yourself.
Solution: Develop strong self-love. There is much truth to the idea that you cannot open yourself to love if you cannot love yourself. Believing that you are deserving of love and seeing yourself positively will help you feel comfortable with the idea that someone truly loves you. Don’t worry if you are already in the process of dating someone. You can start working on self-love even if you are in a relationship. Start taking steps to work on your self-love.
6. Love may bring up concerns that we are settling. You may be dating someone great but wondering if you are missing out on the love of your life by being with this person. Society has a strong message to not ever settle in love. You may find yourself wanting to wait for the perfect person who fits your standards completely. Be careful of dismissing the idea that your standards are flexible and that you are open to dating just anyone. Many people who have high standards for a partner may not even realize it. For instance, some people only want to date someone who fits what they find most attractive. A person may be prone to chasing after blondes which results in them shooting down the idea of dating a perfectly attractive but brunette person. Other people may want fireworks with the first kiss or within the first few dates and may feel like they are settling if the spark doesn’t arrive quickly. Some people picture themselves with an intellectual and may dismiss a person who is intelligent but tends to show off their creative and fun sides more than the intellectual side. You may not think you have high standards, but re-evaluate if you are dismissing love because you feel you might be missing out on someone who fits all your criteria.
Solution: Having standards is important in relationships but prioritize what is actually important. For instance, there’s nothing wrong with having the standard of being with someone you have fun with but needing someone who can tell amazing jokes that impress your family and friends may be a standard you need to get rid of. This ideal person may not even be right for you even if you did find a person who matched your criteria. Also work on accepting the belief that there are many people out there who will love you and who you can love. The idea of settling stems from a belief that there is one person out there who is perfect for you and that you have one chance to find them. You may be able to find real and lasting love with the person you are currently dating. There is no one ideal person that you are meant to be with.
7. Love invites the possibility of change. Falling in love can feel perfect. There may be no arguments, no conflict and everything feels joyous and perfect. You may love your partner for exactly who they are and worry that this person may change or may not change. For instance, your partner has a habit of smoking and you are worried that the person may not ditch the habit. Or your partner shares the same fit lifestyle as you and you fear the possibility that your partner may start to not value having an active and healthy lifestyle like you one day. An argument may make you worried that the relationship is heading down a negative path. Even discovering a positive yet unfamiliar change about your partner may cause you to worry about where the relationship is heading.
Solution: Change will happen in all relationships. You and your partner will change many times over the course of a relationship. Communicate your feelings to your partner about the changes. Discuss your feelings together about what is happening with the relationship. Occasionally having disagreements or arguments can also be a good indicator of a healthy relationship. Work on viewing change positively. Work on developing a good habit of talking through your thoughts regarding any changes that cause you concern. Work on understanding the changes that are occurring rather than running away from change.
8. Love may make you feel a fear of abandonment. All of us have a fear of abandonment to a certain degree. We don’t want to be left behind, neglected or rejected by our loved ones. Having a fear of abandonment may cause you to reject love or overreact when a partner seems distant. Fearing abandonment may cause you to overanalyse when someone doesn’t get back to you right away or start fearing that a person doesn’t like you anymore. The fear of abandonment often has a self-fulfilling prophecy of pushing people away so that they have little choice but to abandon the situation.
Solution: Work on your independence. Fearing abandonment has the consequences of a person developing needy behaviors. You might find that you need your loved one to constantly assure you of their love, that they won’t leave you and that their feelings have not changed. This neediness places unnecessary pressure on your loved ones and makes them feel like their love is not good enough for you. Work on creating a place of independence and security within your own life. As you embrace independence you will rely less on the actions and words of your loved ones to make you feel secure.
At some point or another all of us will encounter the fear of falling in love. Some of us are able to get past these initial fears and happily welcome love into our lives. Some of us may face love but continue to reject it or run away at the first sign of pain or discomfort. To have real love in your life you have to find a way to cope with your fears. You can work through these fears while you are single or even if you are dating. If you have a fear of love, I’d strongly recommend that you handle these issues while single and before dating, but there are still ways to work through your fears if you are dating someone who is pretty great but you still can’t allow yourself to really fall for them.
Work on developing a strong self-love. You may need to seek out counseling, self-help books, the support of loved ones and work on forming a strong positive attitude towards yourself. Talk through your feelings and be open to communicating with your loved ones about your fears. Don’t let your fears of love sabotage your relationships or dictate how you respond to a person who does love you.