All of us crave connection with other people. Although the desire for connection is universal, not many of us have the ability to naturally know how to connect with other people. Anxiety may grip us causing us to feel unsure or insecure about approaching someone new. Perhaps you are a social butterfly but have a difficult time connecting with someone past the superficial part of getting to know someone. Below are some other reasons that people commonly crave a connection.
- You feel lonely and don’t have many friends in your life. You crave friendships and having connections with other people but you are unsure of how to start the process of forming new connections.
- You want to connect with your boss and colleagues. You feel like work is going great but you really want more opportunities to network in your company.
- You have recently relocated to a new city or country. Family is not nearby and you don’t have any real friends in the area. Now that the excitement from moving has worn off you start to feel lonely and crave real connections with people.
- Someone you love and who was very close to you has passed away. You cherish the connection with your deceased loved one but are craving for that connection and are worried that you will never find a connection like that again.
- You are introverted and genuinely enjoy being by yourself than spending time with other people. However, there are times where you do want the company of a friend or someone to share an experience with. You are finding it difficult to find the balance between your need to be by yourself but also maintain a connection with several people.
Below are some tips to help you connect with others.
1. Be authentic. A connection can only be genuine when you are genuine. Being inauthentic can be tempting when you feel lonely and desperately just want to connect with someone. Try to not give into the temptation of being anyone but yourself. Making true connections with people involves you staying true to who you are. Being genuine attracts the right people to you as well. You’ll start to see how people you connect with are more likely to come into your life when you choose to be authentic. Be honest about when you aren’t really connecting with someone either. You don’t have to repeatedly keep trying for a connection if the connection simply isn’t there. Find the right balance for connecting with people and keep in mind that some people need a few days to open up to you. I once met a woman who I didn’t really connect with at all. However, a few months later she got in touch with me and we met up for dinner. From there the connection sparked and we became friends right away.
2. Work on your attitude. Many barriers to forming new connections comes from within ourselves. When I moved to a new area I fed myself negative thoughts consistently. I would start thinking that people wouldn’t be interested in inviting me into their social groups. I led myself to believe that people with friends wouldn’t be interested in making new friends. Since I sometimes had different interests to other people, I worried that having different interests would turn people off to being my friend. Doubts kept me from not only forming new connections but giving people a real chance. You would be surprised at how these negative thoughts don’t reflect reality at all. When I moved to Australia, I made friends who already had solid social groups and I was happily welcomed into the group. I also made friends of different ages, cultural backgrounds and who sometimes had very little in common with me. Work on adopting a positive mindset so that you will allow yourself to truly form connections without doubts and insecurities getting in the way.
3. Make the effort. Forming a connection requires a genuine effort on your part. Living in Iowa I didn’t have many friends and honestly it was because I wasn’t putting in genuine effort. My doubts and insecurities were holding me back from trying to make new friends. I definitely wanted friends, but I wasn’t putting myself in situations to make friends. Staying home and watching a movie seemed far easier than trying to do multiple things that could increase the likelihood that I would meet someone interesting that I could connect with. Be willing to make an effort to meet new people. A good starting point is to invest in a hobby that gets you socializing with other people. Also you can start saying yes to invitations or start inviting people who are currently your acquaintances out to lunch or dinner with you. Sometimes you have to make the first move and put yourself out there to make new friendships. You have to try to make friendship happen.
4. Make time for friendship. I realize life can get busy and making friendships may be something you desire but are struggling to find time to do. You can still prioritize friendship even if life is too busy right now. Try booking in catch ups with friends far in advance. I have a few people in my life that are hard to get a hold of so I make sure to ask them to book in a time sometime in the upcoming weeks or a catch up. Planning group events is a great way to make time for friendships. If one on ones are too difficult to keep track of, then try to plan a group outing to a movie, sports event, bar, board game night and so forth. You can combine your social activities with your day to day life as well. One of my friends is a mother of a couple of young children. The best way for us to catch up is when she takes the kids out for a walk or during shopping. You might have a packed schedule but there are ways or you to make time for connections.
5. Learn about a person. Whenever I meet someone new, I always view this as an exciting opportunity to learn about a new person. Have a genuine curiosity for the person you are meeting. Forming a connection is difficult when you aren’t learning about the other person. Try to catch yourself if you have a habit of talking only about yourself or feel more comfortable just being silent. Although these behaviours may be appropriate once a connection has been formed, forming a connection often requires that you invest in getting to know someone.
6. Try to understand rather than be understood. One of the biggest hurdle I have with making a connection with someone is when someone is more interested in trying to make me understand their viewpoint than to listen to my thoughts. A connection should ideally be two people openly and respectfully sharing their perspectives on the world. You don’t always have to agree or share the values of a person you are trying to connect with, but trying to understand their mindset can do wonders for building a connection. Being judgmental will instantly cut down the possibility of a connection. Judgment occurs when you feel your perspective is better than the person you are speaking to and you decide to belittle someone because of their values or choose to not listen to them because of their values. Try to catch yourself when you see this happening. Work on being more understanding to the people around you.
7. Connections build over time. Try to not be hard on yourself if you don’t have a social group right away or aren’t surrounded by friends constantly. When I first moved to Australia it took about 6 months until I had friends that I regularly spent time with. After a year of living in this country I started to feel like I had genuinely good friends. Now that it has been over two years of living here, I now feel like I have just as many close friendships here as I do in my home country. This process did not happen overnight and certainly not even within a few months. There were many periods where I felt lonely or was wondering which people I was meeting would ultimately become my friends. Be patient with the process and allow connections to build organically.
Making connections can take time, effort and openness. Focus on being positive and being genuine. You’ll naturally attract connections due to a positive attitude and your authenticity. Be open to learning about someone new and give someone a chance, even if things don’t go as expected. You may be surprised at how easily connections can form once you start putting yourself out there. In what ways are you craving connection? How do you build connection within your own life?