“If you cannot find a good companion to walk with, walk alone, like an elephant roaming the jungle. It is better to be alone than to be with those who will hinder your progress.”
Before I met my boyfriend, I had struggled for several years about whether I was ready for a relationship and wanted to be in one again. After a horrible long-term relationship had ended years ago I had spent much time trying to recover, figure out who I was, work on my self-confidence and learn what real love looked like in a healthy relationship. The process was difficult, scary and an exciting adventure. At first being single was a little scary but eventually I was having a blast meeting new people, making solid friendships and going on adventures around the world. Don’t get me wrong, during these times I still desired meeting someone compatible and right for me. I occasionally went on dates with people to see who was out there, but for several years I just wasn’t ready to be in any kind of a romantic relationship.
Being in love is amazing and being with someone who is right for you is even more wonderful. But you need to be honest with yourself and realize that you may not be in the right place right now to meet someone new. Nobody can tell you when you will be ready for that next relationship except you. The process may even be messy at times when you feel like you are ready, but realize after dating someone that you just aren’t ready yet. Below are some things to consider when knowing if you are ready for a relationship.
1. You genuinely want a partner. There’s a huge difference between wanting to be in a relationship and feeling like you need one. Relationships shouldn’t fill a gap. Once you start believing you must be in a relationship to be happy or to enjoy your life, then it’s important to take a step back and assess if this makes sense. The best relationships are ones where you feel happy alone and choose to be with someone who also can be happy being by themselves. A relationship should supplement your happiness but not be a source of happiness. Think about how you feel. If you are afraid of being single, feel lonely constantly or find you are unhappy about other areas in your life, then that is a sign that you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. Your focus should ideally be on finding contentment in other areas of your life and realizing that you will be okay even if you are single.
2. You have healthy boundaries. It has taken me years to establish what my boundaries are, how to communicate those boundaries and how to honour my boundaries in the process. Many toxic relationships and situations could have been avoided if I had a good grasp of what my boundaries are. When you don’t have boundaries, you might find yourself in a relationship that initially feels amazing but eventually small things will upset you. Instead of speaking up for yourself, you might try to be accommodating, make compromises and eventually even avoid speaking up about what is bothering you. This relationship usually turns into you giving your all into a relationship, doing much of the work to maintaining that relationship and losing yourself in the process. Relationships without boundaries are not built to last. You might be able to find ways to keep the relationship but you will often end up feeling unhappy and insecure in a relationship without boundaries.
Relationships with healthy boundaries are amazing. You feel secure in the relationship, can communicate your needs without fear and can work through issues together. In a healthy relationship, you don’t have to fear losing your friends, hobbies or interests. You don’t need to believe that you must change important qualities about yourself to try and make your partner want to be with you. You can speak your mind and say “no” when you need to without fear of the repercussions. Your relationship is a safe place for you. You can have quality time to yourself and spend time with other loved ones. Having good boundaries in a relationship ensures you receive the respect you expect and deserve from your partner.
Feeling confident about your boundaries doesn’t happen overnight. You might feel insecure speaking your mind or you might struggle to know what your boundaries are. That’s okay. This is just a sign that you need to figure out what your boundaries are and feel like your boundaries are mandatory for a healthy relationship. Trust me, once you have solid boundaries, you will notice your dating life becomes much easier and you will walk away from anyone who chooses to disrespect you with ease.
3. You are ready to have healthy communication in a relationship. A relationship is doomed to fail once you expect someone to read your mind or believe the right person should understand your desires and needs without you communicating them. One of the foundations of a strong relationship is the ability for both partners to communicate. Learning how to best communicate with someone may take time and trial and error, but the right relationships involve two people working to find a way to communicate best. If you feel you are more comfortable ignoring someone, being passive aggressive, discussing relationship problems with your friends rather than your partner or spending too much time trying to understand what someone is thinking (rather than asking) then that might be a good sign that you aren’t ready for a relationship yet.
4. You know what you want out of a relationship. Everyone has different requirements out of a relationship. You might be looking for something short-term and casual or you might be ready to commit to someone for the next several years or for life. Beyond the types of relationships, you are looking for, you should know what you want in a relationship and partner. A person who is more introverted may require a partner be okay that she does needs time to herself to be happy. Another person may be looking for someone who respects their commitment to their religion or spirituality. Or you might be looking for someone who respects your time and doesn’t stand you up on dates or forget to call you. Knowing what you want shouldn’t be a checklist filled with superficial traits. Instead, you should be thinking about the type of person you want to share your life and how you should feel being in that relationship. Staying true to the absolute things you must have in a relationship will help you avoid investing too much time and energy into people who are not compatible for you.
5. You are ready to accept someone as they are. There is no perfect partner and even the most amazing person for you will make mistakes, have flaws and will change as they move forward in their journey. Just like you want to find someone who will love you just as you are, you must be ready to love someone for who they are. There is no sense meeting someone and looking for ways to change them. The best relationships start out with accepting the person as they are and helping each other grow in a healthy and loving way.
6. You have had time for introspection and exploration. To be ready for a healthy relationship, you need to know who you are. Part of the reason I struggled with relationships in the past, is I didn’t have a clue on who I was. Sure, I had some ideas in mind and had a list of traits to describe myself but I was still figuring out who I am and what I wanted for myself beyond a relationship. Being single allows you to have time to figure out who you are and explore things that interest and excite you. Pursue a hobby or find that thing that makes you feel excited and alive. You can continue to be introspective and explorative in a relationship as well, but it’s important that you also had this time when you were single.
7. You know that you deserve love. It’s difficult to attract healthy relationships when you are battling feelings of low self-worth and believe you are not worthy of true love. Instead, you might attract people where you feel you must prove your worth or people who don’t value and respect you. What you feel about yourself will reflect with the types of people you attract. Work on building up your confidence and knowing your worth. Focus on all your positive qualities. Know that you have imperfections but you are an amazing, fun, wonderful, beautiful and exciting person to be around. Believe in your heart that someone in the world would be lucky to be with someone like you. If you are still struggling with feelings of low self-worth, then you are probably not ready for a relationship. That’s completely okay too! Use this time to build healthy friendships and focus on strengthening your self-love and confidence. Eventually you will feel ready to meet someone who respects and loves you the way that you deserve.
8. You are ready to share your life with another person. One of the most intimidating and amazing things about a relationship is merging your life with another person’s. This doesn’t mean your life is consumed by this other person and you lose your hobbies, interests, passions and self in the process. Instead, it means that you both are connected. You form mutual friendships, take an interest in each other’s passions and hobbies and build deeper connections over time. When you are ready to meet the right person, the idea of sharing a life with another will seem less scary and more fulfilling.
9. You feel responsible for your own happiness. One of the quickest ways to finding yourself in a toxic relationship, is believing that you need to be with someone to be happy. Happiness doesn’t begin and end with another person. Sure, some people feel happiest in a healthy and loving relationship filled with respect but it’s likely that person was already happy before meeting this great person. You should be happily living the single life too. Being able to be happy by yourself has multiple benefits. First, you aren’t desperate for any relationship and will wait however long you need to for the right person for you. Secondly, you can take ownership for your happiness. If you feel lonely, you aren’t relying on another person to fill that void but can instead seek connections through your friendships, family or hobbies where you can socialize with others. You can learn to manage your happiness by finding the best ways to take care of yourself whether that’s improving your skills, having enriching hobbies, pursuing a career that makes you feel passionate, nurturing great friendships or practicing meditation regularly. Lastly, when you do find that special person for you, the relationship will be much healthier and happier when you already feel happy in your life. Your life is filled with things that can make you happier right now. And the bonus of taking responsibility for your happiness, is you create an even happier relationship in the process.
Where ever you are right now, stay positive. You may not be ready for a relationship just yet or this might be the perfect time in your life to meet someone amazing. If you aren’t quite ready yet, then keep working on making positive changes within your life so that you can be happier in life and attract happy and loving people in the process.