A loved one experiencing depression can be shocking. Sometimes the signs are there and other times we are not aware at all of the pain a loved one is going through. We want nothing more than to help our loved one get out of their depression, heal and find joy and contentment within their lives. However, the approach to providing healing towards someone suffering from depression can be confusing and can often have very negative risks if we do the wrong thing or have poor timing.
At this point, you may be conflicted about how to handle your loved one’s feelings and are unsure about the next steps. Below are some common things that occur when someone finds out that their loved one is depressed. I’ve provided a list of things to avoid doing whenever possible and better alternatives.
1. There is no solution that works for everybody. Be careful when providing advice to a loved one with depression. We all have different ways of coping with depression. What worked for your other friend may not work for this friend. We all have financial, physical and mental variables that need to be accounted for before giving advice. For instance you may be against medications to assist with depressive symptoms but your friend may not be. Some people also have severe and negative reactions from taking medications so be understanding if a friend wants to handle their depression through ways other than medication. Forcing a friend to go out and socialize may not be what your friend needs right now, but may be what she needs in a few months. A friend may eventually want to share his struggles with other friends but trying to tell other friends and organize a group intervention may not only betray your friend’s trust in you but make your friend feel vulnerable and like his problems are exposed to the world.
Better Option: Provide various solutions and let your loved one decide what is best for them. A good starting point is to suggest therapy to your friend. Also, make sure to ask your friend what he is comfortable with. If you feel a get together with friends might be helpful, ask him first if he feels good about socializing with friends. Also keep whatever your loved one says to you, to yourself. Don’t advertise his depression to your social group. Depression is very personal and you don’t want to tell everyone you know that your loved one is depressed. If you feel the need to talk about your loved one’s depression, then you may want to check out anonymous forums where you can ask questions and get responses from a community of people.
2. Don’t ask why someone is depressed. Many of us have experienced depression at some point in our lives, including myself. Rarely do people have the answer to why they are experiencing depression. Asking a person why they feel depressed may have the unintentional result of making them feel more depressed as they struggle to find an answer. Your loved one may even feel worthless by their inability to find an answer for you. Don’t burden your loved one by asking why.
Depression is hard to understand when you haven’t experienced it yet. All of us have been through tough and depressing situations such as failing an exam, a partner cheating on us, being in debt or losing a loved one. However, these events do not necessarily mean you are depressed. These events can lead to depression but those events alone does not mean that you are depressed. Depression is often a whole other experience. Depression can hit us out of nowhere. Life can be going good, and depression can come out of nowhere. There may or may not be a clear trigger to how the depression started.
Often depression makes us feel not like ourselves. We may act in ways that are uncharacteristic or unpredictable such as not enjoying hobbies we used to love, not wanting to interact with the people we love, feeling lost and confused, feeling like life is hopeless and that nothing will ever make us feel hopeful about the world around us. Depression can make us feel afraid, trapped and life unbearable at times.
When seeing your loved one struggle with depression, you may want nothing more than to understand her feelings and help as best as you can. However, understanding that you may never really understand her feelings will help you help your loved one. Often times acting like we know how a depressed person feels, with the intention of making your loved one not feel alone, has the exact opposite effect. You may push away your loved one by acting like you have walked in his shoes and understand his feelings.
I have suffered through depression before and my depression is not the same as another loved one going through depression. Depression affects people wildly different. During my period of depression, I was very productive at work and school. My confidence in my academic and work abilities was still intact, but I had low self worth around loved ones and felt that I was nobody worth loving, I performed very well but had little interest in maintaining my friendships and was often aggressive and irritable to the people around me. I could still socialize and go out with people but I was often not easy to be around. However, I have a friend whose depression is quite different to mine. She could not go to work, school, did not socialize with anyone and shut everybody out. She broke up with her long-time boyfriend and did not participate in any of her hobbies like she used to. Even though we both suffered through depression, our experiences of depression are very different.
Better Option: Listen to your loved one about how they feel. Stepping back and not spending too much effort trying to convey your understanding of your loved one’s depression may have a positive impact on your relationship with your loved one. Let your loved one know that you don’t understand what they are going through but will be there for them nonetheless. Be mindful of their feelings and ask them if they feel okay with you asking them how they feel. Some people may want to talk about their depression while others may prefer to not talk about the depression yet. If your loved one decides to talk you about their depression, then focus completely on listening to them.
3. Positive statements can have unintentional negative impacts. When we realize a loved one is depressed, we may be tempted to give them positive assurances as a way to help make them feel better more quickly. You might tell a loved one, “Everything will be okay soon” or “Life can only go up from here” or “Other people in the world are suffering more than you. Remember to appreciate all the things in your life.” Your intentions behind your positive statements may be good but these statements do not address the reality of depression. A loved one may also feel like you are minimizing their pain or placing a time line on how long they are allowed to be depressed.
Your loved one may feel alienated from those statements. For instance, telling someone that everything will be okay can make a loved one feel like their feelings of depression are not normal, that there is something wrong with them for feeling depressed and like they cannot confide in you anymore. Your loved one may also feel like she is disappointing you and may push you away as a result. When I was depressed, I felt bad for not getting over it as quickly as I felt my friends expected me to. As a result, I would often avoid talking about my feelings with these friends or push them away so that they didn’t have to deal with me anymore. Keep in mind that your positive statements, although well-intentioned, may be having a negative result on your loved one.
Better option: Be supportive. And be supportive for the long haul too. Positive statements may seem like a short term solution, but stand by your loved one for the long term. Let your loved one know that you are there for them. Give them a hug, smile and show that you really care for them. Always be there for your friend and keep in mind that the type of support your loved one needs may vary on the individual or may change every so often. Your loved one may need someone to vent to today, but may need some space tomorrow. A friend may want you to organize a weekly catch up to get them out of the house, while another friend may need you to request their need to be alone for several weeks. Instead of finding things to say to give a loved one hope, listen to them about what they need from you. Encourage your loved one to get the help they need and show them that you will always be there for them. If you do happen to accidentally say a positive statement, try to correct yourself really quick. For instance, I have a tendency to say “everything will be okay.” Instead I try to say, “everything will be okay someday, but I understand that it may take a great deal of time. That’s okay because I will be here for you during the whole time.”
4. Your loved one may push you away. Depression may result in your loved one pushing you away, sometimes in ways that can be hurtful. For instance, your loved one may ask for space. You might find that your partner who you typically see several types a week, suddenly does not want to spend time with you for weeks or months at a time. A loved one may become irritable and lash out at you. They might even try to sabotage the friendship unintentionally. You might find that your loved one gets annoyed at you more often, might negatively paint certain scenarios between you (i.e., I’m a burden on you and you deserve better than me), or even drop off the map completely and not respond to your messages or calls.
Better option: Be patient and understanding of your loved one’s needs. Being pushed away from a loved one can be very painful. The best thing to do in this situation is to be patient, respect their needs and show that you are there for them from a distance. I understand that this can be very hard, especially when you are used to seeing your loved one more frequently. One possible solution is to schedule dates to see each other in advance. Again, respect their needs. If your loved one needs to be alone for a couple of weeks, then give them that space. However, schedule in a time for a dinner, movie or something low-key in a couple of weeks, once they are ready. Be mindful of their needs. For instance, would your friend enjoy going out to a restaurant or would they prefer to have a home cooked dinner or take out in the comforts of their own home. Giving space does not mean you can’t stay in touch. Check with your loved one that she is okay with text messages every so often or email messages. You can still stay in touch without seeing each other or talking directly on the phone.
5. Your loved one may not be able to be there for you in the way that you would like. Depression may cause your loved one to act in ways that are very different. Your loved one may lack the energy to do anything. He may suddenly cancel plans, leave early, look distracted during conversations or not seem interested in getting together. These behaviors are often symptoms of depression and are not a reflection on you. Your loved one may deeply love you, but lacks the ability to express or give you that love in the way you need it at this time.
There will be times where your loved one will have behaviors that seem similar to what you are used to, but try to not take it personally if your loved one acts differently due to their depression.
Better option: Take care of yourself first. Having a loved one who is depressed can be draining at times. You may find yourself dealing with your own fears due to investing so much energy into your loved one and not receiving anything back. As a result, you may end up neglecting yourself. Being there for your loved one is important, but taking care of yourself is even more important. You can’t be there for someone else when you are feeling emotionally drained. Set boundaries for yourself and understand that there may be only so much that you can handle. Accepting that you can’t deal with any type of treatment from your loved one does not make you a failure. If anything, putting yourself first means that you have the strength to realize that truly being there for your loved one means that you need to take care of yourself first.
For instance, you may need to seek therapy. If you become emotionally drained, then seek out professional help. Get all the support and help that you need to remain emotionally stable. When a loved one pushes you away, use that time to attend to your own needs. Book a massage, take a class, organize a night out with friends, watch a movie or do something that brings you joy. Continue doing the things that bring you happiness.
6. Things may get tough, very challenging and feel too difficult to handle. Depression can bring out behaviors that are shocking and maybe even unacceptable to you. A loved one might become suicidal and start to threaten to end their friendship with you if you tell anyone about their suicidal feelings. Your partner might refuse to stay in touch with you at all. There may be a point where your partner decides to ignore you completely and you may not hear from her for months at a time. Your coworker may stop doing work completely, and you may be put in a position where you are trying to pick up their workload to prevent them from getting fired. Your sister might always be asking you for money so that she can pay her rent. Often times when behaviors become unacceptable you might start to feel a severe emotional, financial or physical strain from that relationship. You might develop health issues or depression yourself or start to feel like you are losing control.
Better option: Set boundaries for what you can deal with and rely on your support network. If your loved one is pushing you away, you don’t have to stand by and feel helpless. Let your loved one know that you understand she is not trying to hurt you, but you will need some space to protect yourself from any further pain. Let your loved one know out of kindness and patience. Make sure they know that you are fully there for them, but you may also need some time for yourself on occasion. As tough as it is, be honest with yourself about how much you can handle. For instance, trying to stay in a romantic relationship with someone who is depressed may be too difficult at times. There may come a point where you need to change the dynamic of the relationship to a friendship if you feel that being in a romantic relationship is too difficult for you to handle. You can still be there for someone as a friend. You might even find that a little space to yourself may help tremendously. Often times a weekend away or even a night to yourself, might help you feel like yourself again. If a friend is threatening to commit suicide, then strongly consider telling someone. Losing a friendship is certainly worth the alternative, the death of your friend.
Set boundaries on when a situation has become toxic or unhealthy for you. For instance, always giving money to a depressed love one may cause you to take big financial risks. When you feel this situation occurring, let your loved one know that you will need to stop helping them out financially at some point, offer less money, or find other solutions to assist your loved one. For instance, you can offer them a place to stay in your own home or help your loved one find more affordable accommodation.
Rely on your support network. There are other people in your life who can be there for you, just as much as you are there for your loved one. Reach out to these people for support and encouragement whenever you need it. A depressed loved one may not always be loving towards you. Again, don’t take this personally as this is a symptom of depression. However, understand that you have many people in your life who can express their love towards you. Have a strong support network so you are reminded that just as much as you will always be there for your loved one, there are many people who will be there for you too.
Understanding the best way to approach a relationship with someone who is depressed can be tough. Often times we just don’t know the best thing to say or do in the situation. We want so badly to help our loved one but feel almost helpless. Thankfully there are ways you can help your loved one, and often being present in their lives and loving towards them is often the best way to handle the situation. Don’t give up on your loved one. Always be there for your friend and also be there for yourself too. Be aware of the times you need to give yourself self-love too. Stay strong. You and your loved one will get through this.
What are some ways you have been able to be there for loved ones dealing with depression? If you have dealt with depression yourself, what are the ways people have been there for you?