A common piece of advice is to choose your battles wisely. I do agree with this quote to a certain degree but that does leave room for misinterpretations. Some people might feel like this piece of advice encourages them to be more passive and never seek conflict. As a result, these people may hold onto their negativity which leads to resentment. Others may take that to the other extreme and assume that any fight is a fight worth having, otherwise it would not have become a fight in the first place. Some people view a fight with a loved one as a fight to the death, with the outcome having a winner, someone who was right, and their point being completely understood and accepted by their loved one.
Understanding how to choose your battles can help you understand your own personal biases that may be negatively affecting your relationships and can lead to behavioural changes that will help you view discussions with positivity and kindness.
1. Choosing a battle may not encourage personal change and growth. Whenever I choose a battle, it’s coming from a place of not wanting to deal with a difference or writing off someone as being irrational. If we are being honest with ourselves, you may not be choosing to argue because of your own personal weaknesses. Perhaps you don’t want to argue your point because you actually don’t really know much about the subject. As a result, you might stray from wanting to discuss the situation rather than saying, “hey this is my opinion, I’d love to hear more about your opinion because I don’t know as much about it and would love to hear more about where you are coming from.” Your position on the topic may not change but you may have a better understanding of the topic and why your loved one has their own opinion. Or you might want to avoid an argument because you think your loved one is simply irrational, emotional or whatever adjective you want to use. This type of thinking is harmful because you automatically view your loved one’s opinion as inferior to yours. You might be making incorrect assumptions about their thoughts or not even being open to their perspective. Focus on being fair and being open to truly listening to your loved one.
2. Work on not viewing differences as a conflict. In any type of relationship you will have differences. Differences are inevitable. Viewing a difference as a battle already creates an environment for conflict. Instead of being empathetic and open to your partner, you might find that you become dismissive of their views or automatically assume that their way of thinking is wrong. Instead of assuming there is a conflict, save yourself the stress and potential anger, and focus on understanding where your loved one is coming from. Personally, I love the statement, “let’s agree to disagree.” At the end of the day, I might disagree with my loved ones or not be able to fully understand their perspective, but there’s no reason to view those differences as a conflict. The wonderful thing about loving someone is the fact that you can accept them, including their perceived differences of opinions and behaviors. When you perceive a difference, instead of potentially ignoring it, try to take the opportunity to listen and better understand their views.
3. Do not view differences as an incompatibility just because this does not fit your vision of an ideal friendship or relationship. Many of us can relate to the feeling of meeting someone wonderful and then finding something about them that does not quite fit our ideal. Maybe you share different political beliefs or have different communication styles. There is no such thing as an ideal with relationships or friendships. For instance, I used to get very irritated at a friend who would take days to reply. This was a large source of conflict in our friendship as I took the very delayed messages as an indication that my friendship with this person wasn’t compatible. Turns out we just needed to have a discussion about it and work through a compromise on how to best communicate with each other in the future. All of us are flawed human beings who make mistakes and have behaviors that do not match the expectations of other people. Work on treating people with the kindness that you would wish to receive if you made a similar mistake. Try to not let a difference sabotage a friendship or good relationship. Nobody will ever fit your ideal standards so when your standards are not met. Instead work on communicating your standards constructively to that person and with kindness.
4. Assess your role on how prior conflicts began. Everybody has behaviors that may make a situation worse than it actually needs to be. The issue with picking your battles, is sometimes a battle with your loved one does not even need to occur. Some arguments are unavoidable but you likely have conflicts that did not even need to happen in the first place. Consciously trying to choose which conflict to have may not be possible but you can work on minimizing behaviors that makes a situation worse than it needs to be. Think about the last few conflicts you had with your loved one. Instead of focusing on what she said or did, focus entirely on your reactions. What could you have done to make the situation better? You might find that the situation could have been improved by very small changes. For instance, I try to avoid having discussions with my loved ones at night. I tend to be tired, irritable and have a difficult time realizing that my tone and demeanor is coming off negatively. However, when I try to talk through things during the daytime or early evening, I can usually avoid the conversation taking a negative turn. You likely have behaviors that are not conducive to a healthy discussion. Do you tend to argue without thinking it through? Do you have issues with listening to your partner or do you like to be the first one to talk? Are you too passive and try to avoid the situation entirely? Are you likely to jump to making assumptions and telling your loved one what he thinks and feels without really asking him? Figure out when your emotions tend to get the best of you and work on making a behavioral shift.
5. Discuss your differences constructively and with kindness. A battle implies tension, anger, pain, hurt feelings and an open ground for negativity. Needing to discuss something with a loved one doesn’t have to consist of any of those things. Take a moment to try and understand what a healthy argument looks like to you. Many of us have been around people who scream at each other or have terrible fights which may make you very wary of wanting to voice your concerns with a loved one. You might even feel more comfortable not voicing your concerns just to avoid a conflict from arising. Fortunately having an argument does not have to end with pain, tears or hurt feelings. A good argument brings two people closer together and should have an outcome that both parties can mutually agree to. Focus on your end goal with an argument. If your focus is on hurting the other person and needing to be right, then you will quickly turn a discussion into an unhealthy argument which may distance you from your loved one. Focus on having a good outcome which strengthens your relationship and speak words of kindness and respect.
6. Focus on improving the relationship. At the end of the day, you will have differences with your loved one. Conflicts may arise. There may be arguments where you find yourself reacting defensively. Instead of actively choosing which battles to fight, focus on enhancing the relationship. You might find that minor annoyances don’t bother you as much or are not relevant your relationship. Your overall stress will decrease. You will also better identify discussions that do need to happen and will adopt better ways at communicating and listening to your loved ones. When you approach every discussion with the knowledge that you care about this person, respect them and ultimately want a stronger and happier relationship with this person, then you will find that having discussions doesn’t have to result in drama or conflict.