Fear of abandonment can grip everyone and can happen at unexpected times. All human beings struggle with the fear of abandonment. Abandonment can feel so painful that it may be tough to believe that the majority of people around you struggle with this fear too. The triggers can be powerful and overwhelming, allowing us to overreact, push away the ones we love or completely dismiss love entirely.
My struggle with abandonment started when I was a child. Parental figures abandoned and betrayed me consistently. However, the end of the abandonment stories did not end there. Friends I cared about drifted out of my life and some ex-partners walked away from me and the relationship. I imagine that there will likely be more occurrences of people abandoning me in the future for one reason or another. Although you might not be able to control if people do decide to leave you, you can control how you react to those feelings of fear.
When you don’t control your feelings, you greatly risk making your fears a reality. The relationship will be sabotaged. The more you demand someone else to be accountable for your fears, the more likely the person will feel confused, smothered, rejected and they may actually leave you as a result.
Having fears and insecurities about your personal relationships happens to everyone but the way we allow those fears to control our lives has a tremendous impact on our well-being and the quality of our relationships. Use your fears as an opportunity to grow. Here are 15 ways to overcome your fear of abandonment.
- Admit you have a fear of being abandoned. Understanding that you have a problem can be quite difficult. Your behaviors may seem normal and your emotions may feel rational at the time that you overreact. If you find yourself having excessive fears of your partner cheating on you, jealousy over the new friends that your best friend has, feeling possessive over your loved ones or assuming that the relationship will end eventually, then those are signs you are dealing with fears of abandonment.
- Abandonment is a fear not a reality. Whenever I struggle with the painful fear of being abandoned, I try to remind myself that this is a fear NOT a reality. Yes, people have hurt me in the past but not everyone has hurt me. Not everyone has abandoned me or left me alone. Trying to focus on what is actually happening in your life now will give you power to not succumb to your feelings of abandonment. For instance, if your partner asks for a bit of space today, don’t assume the worst case scenario. Asking for space doesn’t mean your partner will leave you or abandon you. However, when you focus on this unlikely and worst case scenario, you’ll end up feeling miserable and acting out in ways that will push your partner away. You can turn your fear into a reality by the way you handle your emotions, but when you stay centered, you’ll realize that your abandonment is just a fear and not how you should define your life.
- Don’t feel bad for struggling with abandonment. One of the horrible things about abandonment is feeling like you are alone in this struggle. Many people struggle with abandonment, including some of the people you fear will leave you. Having these feelings does not mean something is wrong with you or that you are weak. You aren’t unlucky and you certainly didn’t do something in the universe to struggle with these feelings. Abandonment is something in your life and you can handle it.
- View your abandonment as another method of self-improvement. Abandonment can cause us to feel helpless. However, by learning how to handle abandonment you can equip yourself with powerful tools of self-reliance, empowerment, patience and personal accountability. Being able to control your fears of abandonment doesn’t happen overnight and is a very long process, but you do have the tools within you to conquer your feelings of abandonment.
- Stay calm. When I have a fear of abandonment, I find myself struggling not to overreact and get angry. As a result, I have an unhealthy habit of saying hurtful things to a loved one and telling them that they don’t care about me during the initial moments of feeling abandoned. During these moments, it is best to take deep and calm breaths and politely ask your partner if it is okay if you get some space to get centered again. Give yourself 20-30 minutes to relax and calm down.
- Have realistic expectations. Have you ever had a friend not reply to your message and you start to worry if they are mad at you and want to end your friendship? Or has your partner not called you like they normally do today and you start to worry if they don’t love you and want to leave? Feelings of abandonment can cause us to come across as needy, desperate and overreact unnecessarily. Your expectations are unrealistic. There are certainly times where you didn’t respond to messages in a timely fashion, forgot to call or some other priorities thing came up in your life. In other words you have likely triggered someone’s fear of abandonment unintentionally. Remember that the people in your life may not live up to your high expectations. That’s completely normal, especially since you will not live up their unrealistic expectations. Have realistic expectations in your life for your loved ones and you’ll minimize the risk of the fear of abandonment taking hold of you.
- You are accountable for your life. When dealing with fears of abandonment, we place all the focus on what someone else does. We have this need to control their actions and behaviors. If our loved ones don’t behave in the way we expect, we feel abandoned and miserable as a result. When you let other people be accountable for your life, you will feel disappointed constantly. You can create your own happiness. Take personal responsibility for your life and don’t look to your loved ones for reassurance. You can take accountability by being the one to reach out to your partner instead of waiting for them to call or message you. If a situation ended on a bad note, you can be the first one to apologize. When you find yourself feeling anxious over not receiving a reply, dedicate your time to a passion or hobby of yours. Get some exercise, go to the gym, catch up with a friend, bake a dessert or do something that fulfills you. Invest the energy you would put into worrying about your fears into something that actively makes you happy. If someone is taking you for granted and has proven to be a toxic presence in your life, then be accountable, and start the process of letting this person go.
- Don’t hate yourself for the mistakes you make. Abandonment is an issue you may deal with for the rest of your life. All of us are prone to making mistakes or acting a bit out of line. That doesn’t mean you have to hate yourself and feel like you are a failure. You are capable of being accountable for your mistakes and working to resolve the situation. If your abandonment issues cause you to make any mistakes, then make any necessary apologizes, forgive yourself and work on resolving the situation now.
- Be authentic. When trying to deal with abandonment issues, you might feel tempted to disguise your feelings, hide them away inside you or lash out in anger. By denying the underlying issue, you are not being your real self and you aren’t portraying yourself authentically around your loved ones. Be authentic with who you are. Accept that abandonment is part of your life and that’s okay. When you are dealing with this fear, take time to work through these issues yourself. Feel free to express your struggles with loved ones who you trust. Remember that your loved ones are not accountable for your abandonment issues but by being real with your loved ones, you are letting them know your issues and how you choose to work on them. Share with them how the abandonment issues occurred, how you will work to deal with them and if they can support you while you work to resolve these issues.
- Be patient. Handling your fear of abandonment will be a very long process and that road will be rocky. You will make mistakes and there will be times where you feel tired and weak. Other times you’ll feel like you are progressing and are in control of yourself. However, the more you allow yourself to be in control, the stronger you will be at handling how you react to your fears. You’ll master self-control and personal accountability. Your relationships will strengthen as a result of you being authentic. You’ll also have a stronger sense of how much your loved ones are willing to be there to support you.
- You are not alone. Everybody struggles with abandonment in some way. Some people even have a fear of entrapment, or a loss of freedom. Depending on the dynamic of the relationship, you may feel like you struggle more with abandonment or entrapment. This is normal and everyone has these fears at some point in your life. When you feel abandoned, you may feel like your the only one struggling with these intense emotions, but you are not. Other people have struggled with abandonment and are able to have healthy relationships and strong self-love. So can you!
- Focus on the present. One of the painful parts of dealing with abandonment, is reliving the times that people have let you down and abandoned you. These things did happen and they were terrible but focus on the present. Don’t let someone else suffer for the mistakes that other people have made to you. You risk forcing people to have no option but to abandon you, when you make then needlessly suffer for the mistakes other people have made.
- Surround yourself with loved ones. When you are in a relationship and place your entire being and fears on one person, you will always be disappointed and unhappy. Surround yourself with supportive and loving people who care about you. When you surround yourself with loved ones, you’ll have other things in your life to keep you centered, rather than relying on one or two people who have to give you their undying attention. A fear of abandonment can make you feel possessive and overly focused on needing the love of one person. When you invest your energy into other people and yourself, you’ll be less likely to be shaken or have strong fears when your loved one goes away on holiday, forgets to return a message or has to spend time with the guys instead of you.
- Empower yourself. First and foremost, take care of you. When you struggle with a fear of abandonment you’ll find yourself needing the love of another person. You’ll start to sacrifice yourself so you can gain the attention and time of a partner. As a result, you’ll view the situation negatively and develop low self-worth. Empower yourself to take control of your circumstances. Work on overcoming your obstacles and be have positive feelings about the situation.
- Build emotional security. One of the challenges to getting past your fear of abandonment, is developing trust with your partner. This requires you to be honest with your partner and to make your feelings a priority in your life. You are accountable for your life. Part of having personal responsibility is doing your part to develop trust with your loved ones. Emphasize and communicate your needs with your partner. Listen to their needs too. If your partner needs space to reflect and work on themselves, willingly give them that time. Ask them how much space they need and in what ways you can reach out to them. Perhaps they need a few days by themselves but are happy if you send them a message during the day or want to call to say goodnight. Be honest about your feelings as well. If you have irrational insecurities hurting your relationship, communicate this to your partner and work through this obstacle together. As you both work through these fears together, you’ll start to build and develop strong trust. Over time the trust will be more powerful than your fears.
Getting over your fears of abandonment is a long but worthwhile process. You’ll be able to have a healthy relationship and have trust with your loved ones. True love is not possessive. Although you can’t control the actions of others, you can control how you act and treat your loved ones. By working through these fears you can allow yourself to authentically connect with your loved ones, get your needs met from outside your relationship and make the choice to move forward in your relationship. What are some things you do when you feel abandoned? What are some strategies you have used to help overcome your fears? I would love to hear your comments and feedback below.