A few years ago I was cheated on and had never felt such pain from a romantic relationship before in my life. Thankfully I have long healed from that situation, moved on and am pretty happy with my life. I can’t say that I’m not scarred from the event but life does go on and I’m glad that that chapter is over.
Anyway below are some tips I wish I knew but didn’t when the event actually occurred. I hope these will help you as I know they have helped some beautiful and strong people who have dealt with the betrayals of their own partner.
I truly hope this helps someone struggling with a breakup that involves the ex cheating and leaving you or immediately rebounding. Please leave any feedback or comments that you have.
1. Cheating is wrong! You may notice that after cheating, your ex may justify what happened, talk about the issues in the relationship that led to the cheating, and ultimately minimize what happened. There are no excuses for cheating. Cheating is a choice. People do not magically cheat, it does not JUST HAPPEN, your partner chose to cheat on you and lie to you about it. Accept that and any time your ex tries to blame relationship issues on cheating then cut them off and move on. If you want to discuss the relationship issues, that’s cool, but NEVER allow your ex to blame you for cheating. Even if your relationship was pretty bad towards the end, there are other options than just cheating. There is always another way than having an infidelity.
2. React to the pain you feel about the cheating. Some people feel like they can’t reach to the pain that they are feeling, like somehow feeling pain makes you weak or powerless. People who come back regretting not getting angry, not saying how they feel, not saying how badly they hurt, etc. You have been hurt. If you want to react, and if you found out about the cheating in the last couple of weeks (DO NOT do this if it’s been more than a month and your ex is not reaching out to you) then go for it. React! Be angry and be careful about what words you choose to use since they will be held against you. In other words avoid name calling, cursing or basically anything you may regret saying a year from now. You won’t regret getting angry but you will regret saying something horrible while getting angry. You get the drift. Say what you like but strive to be the bigger, better person. Don’t say things you will regret or that will be taken out of context. If possible write an email. Do not talk on the phone or in person since your ex will likely spin everything you say and you’ll end up not making the point you want to make. Also talking on the phone or in person may make you confused as well. Stick to a brief but concise email and leave it at that.
3. Be honest about your feelings. After the breakup I told my ex that I loved him more than anyone, I’m disappointed in him, I thought he was better than this, that I wasn’t perfect but I still didn’t deserve this pain. I was always honest and honesty is really a good defense against an ex partner who cheats. I did not play games, try to act like I was moving on or that things were cool between us. Be honest. If your ex treated you like trash then say it. If you want to add that you thought your ex was the love of your life, then go for it. This is your time to be honest about how you feel and trust me, if you do it months later, it will be awkward, petty and you’ll feel ridiculous. Get it out now and move on. There’s no going back at this point. The later you do this, the more ridiculous you will sound.
3. Do not contact your ex! Alright, you found out about the cheating, vented, heard him/her out. Now stop contacting him/her. Stop contacting your ex immediately! There’s nothing else to say or do.
4. Scream, cry, weep and do it all over again. Being cheated and left for someone else is one of the worst things a partner can do to someone. You will feel pain. Most likely this will be the worst emotional pain you have ever endured. Feel that pain. Take some sick days from work and school. Stay home and cry. Invite a friend over and cry with them. Get all the feelings out and cry. Be vulnerable and don’t feel horrible for allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You will be in quite a bit of pain for a few weeks or months past this point, so the best way to learn how to cope with the pain is to accept that this pain is a normal part of the healing process. The more you ignore the pain, the harder it will be for you to cope in the future.
5. Not contacting your ex does not make your ex forget you. During the beginning of not contacting someone you will have intense fears that not having any contact will make your ex think that you don’t care and they will slowly forget you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder is an accurate quote when it comes to love. If your ex had any feelings for you, then they will miss you. Every ex I have ever had, I still think about. I do not just forget people. It doesn’t matter who dumped who, if the breakup was bad, if the relationship was bad or whatever. Again, if there were any strong feelings, no contact will only make them miss you AND will make them contemplate if leaving you was the best decision for them. Humans are built to have long term memory and I guarantee that your ex will not forget you.
6. Do not rationalize with your ex and think you can change his/her mind. After you cried endlessly you may start imagining movies where someone goes running back to their exes and having a 2 minute dialogue about how they can make this work, and then bam, they sail off into the wind. I DO REGRET thinking for a second I could change my ex-boyfriend’s mind. What I’ve learned is when someone commits an infidelity, in their mind they have rationalized their actions. Does it make it rational, sound, a good idea? No way! There is NEVER a good reason to cheat, no matter how bad the situation may seem. But unfortunately, our exes have rationalized the infidelity in their mind. This does not mean they may not change their mind, but that is unlikely. Seriously, if your ex implies this was the right decision for them then by all means believe that your ex believes it. Your ex may be in denial, lying to themselves and everyone around them, or not thinking straight but your ex believes it. No amount of arguing will change their mind. No amount of getting your friends and family to talk to your ex will change their minds. Your ex has made up their mind and will learn the hard way what cheating truly results in. You know the truth, you know how messed up this all is, and that’s all you can be concerned about. You may want your ex to hear your side, but trust me, it wont change a thing. I know you are probably reading this and thinking BUT, or how you are the exception and can make your ex see reason, etc. Here’s a reality check. You wont. Your ex can only come to that conclusion on their own.
7. Do not feel guilty for wanting your cheating ex back initially. We have all been there. Just like your ex rationalized cheating on you, you will rationalize being with your ex. All of a sudden your relationship will seem “perfect”, you’ll minimize red flags, your ex will become this sad, hurt and cute animal that you must save and you will convince yourself that life cannot go on without your ex. This is normal for the first couple of months after the incident. Eventually, once you stop contacting your ex, these feelings will fade. You’ll see your ex as a person and not a timeless piece of love and erotica. Eventually you’ll see his/her flaws, feel more disgusted at the thought of being with them and the moments where you miss their presence will gradually fade. Just remember these feelings are 100% normal. Don’t feel bad for wanting your ex back and do feel relief at the knowledge that with time you won’t want your ex back.
8. Try to stop the self-blame. Whatever happens, this was NOT your fault. Couples with issues talk about problems, go to counseling, work things out within themselves and with each other. It’s not your fault your ex DID NOT communicate these issues to you. DO NOT dwell on the what if’s and the problems you had in your relationship. Don’t obsess over every “wrong” thing you did or any hurtful words you said. Every relationship has problems. A mature and loving partner works through it, gives it a fighting chance, and doesn’t just run at the first spark of danger. Someone who cares about your feelings would rather end the relationship than cheat on you.
9. Be prepared to build new and stronger friendships and cut out quite a few people in your life. One of the hardest things was dealing with the aftermath of my ex telling people why we broke up. Your ex will likely not paint you out in a sweet manner to family and friends. Lies will be told, truths exaggerated, things will be taken out of context. All these mistruths and lies painted me out negatively. As a result, a few people who I thought were friends de-friended me. You will need to cut ties with your ex’s family and any of their friends. Use this period to make new and lasting friendships. If someone doesn’t believe that your partner cheated on you or even blames you for the cheating, CUT THEM OFF and move on. Life is too short to be around people who want to paint you out as the bad guy. I have a very difficult time ending friendships and relationships but minimizing contact with these people has only been beneficial. Initially cutting ties is tough and adds to the pain, but over time you form new friendships. Also, you can reconnect with these people (if you want to) after you’ve given yourself enough time to recover.
10. Please be patient with yourself. It’s hard when your ex SEEMS to be moving on and having a wonderful life while you sit around pining for the person you were in love with. It’s hard to be open to dating. Your friends may tell you to move on, your ex is a jerk, get over it, it’ll get better everyday. Sorry but that’s not true. Over time things will get better but the next couple of months, by not contacting your ex (you will only hurt yourself by talking to your ex) will be a rollercoaster of emotions. One day you’ll think you are over your ex and the next day you’ll be in tears wishing he/she was lying next to you in bed. Everything takes time. I put a lot of pressure on myself trying to feel better. You will feel better when you feel better. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be upset. Just keep moving forward. Take it slow and be patient. It took me over a year to get over my ex but I got there eventually, so will you, in your own time. 🙂
11. Slowly accept that the relationship you thought you had is gone. Your relationship is completely over. Even if you get back together with your ex, that relationship will be different and new again. It’s okay to miss the old times and to become nostalgic but eventually you need to accept that what you had is over. Just like other relationships in life, it’s time to say goodbye and look towards the future.
12. You are not replaceable. Right after the breakup, I kept wondering how he could replace me. The truth is, people are not replaceable. The bond you create with someone is special and meaningful. If that was not the case, humans could fall in love with any random stranger in any given moment. Infidelity brings out our greatest insecurities. It’s normal to exaggerate your flaws and wonder what is wrong with you. It’s normal and take this time to battle those thoughts. Utilize therapy, friends, family, support networks and whoever else to build up your self-confidence and see that you are a special person that cannot be replaced. Yes, you have flaws but everyone has flaws, including your ex.
13. Stop comparing yourself to the new person. Initially, you will hate the other woman or man. That’s a normal feeling that may never go away. However, stop judging yourself. Believing your shortness isn’t attractive because your ex chose to sleep with a woman who is taller is downright silly. Constantly needing your friends to tell you that you are a better, more attractive catch is also tedious and a waste of time. You’ll drive yourself crazy. I have seen people wonder if they are a good catch just because their partner cheated and these are women and men who are very attractive, successful and wonderful people. Your ex likely chose the new person because they filled a void, NOT because they are hotter, more successful and overall a better catch.
14. Your ex is thinking about you and misses you. A common worry to the dumpee is that the other person simply forgot them. That’s not how the human brain works. Who have you personally forgotten that easily? If you spend months and years with someone you just don’t forget that person. Your ex thinks about you and misses you. That’s why you may hear from your ex every so often or hear from a mutual friend that your ex was asking about you. Just remember that unless you were dating a heartless sociopath, that person is likely thinking and missing you in their own way.
15. Be realistic about the relationship you had. After you’ve been in no contact for a few weeks, it’s time to reflect the relationship. Was it really all that great? Were you actually happy? Are you a good match? This process will take months. At first you may believe you were perfect together, later you may believe the relationship was mostly good, then you’ll identify the red flags, see even more red flags, feel disgusted by that person and realize the relationship wasn’t all that wonderful in the first place. Again this will take weeks or months to process and fully accept.
16. Don’t dwell on whether the relationship with the new person works out. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Let’s say your ex and the new partner break up. How would you feel if your ex goes on a dating site immediately or gets a new partner? What if they don’t contact you after the relationship blows up in their faces? Will you continue to put your life on hold wondering who your ex is dating? There will be many people who will say the relationship will not work out. Here’s the truth. It’s unlikely to work out, but there’s a chance it will work out. You will only hurt yourself counting the days and months till the new relationship fails. Statistically most relationships fail but you can’t use that as a sole indicator of what will happen. Just like it’s unlikely you’ll get in a car accident after work today, it does happen to some people. Do yourself a favor and don’t assume the relationship will work or wont work out. Again, you will cause yourself more pain. Also, for the record, there are stories of people who are with the person they cheated with for years until a breakup or divorce happens. And then that person tries to get back with the person they cheated on. Do you want to wait years? Would you really want to be with a cheating partner who requires years of being with someone else to realize they want you? Hopefully not!
17. Don’t get caught up on the karma bus. I’m not a firm believer in karma but I do believe people who treat others with disrespect tend to have bad things happen to them eventually. The truth is you may not see it. An even sadder truth is that it may not happen. Honestly, everyone has bad luck. I don’t know anyone who just has a wonderful happy, carefree life all the time. I’m sure your ex will hit some bad luck soon enough. Eventually you’ll need to be the bigger person and not wish harm upon someone else. I’m at a stage where I don’t wish misery on my ex or have any feelings about him. However, I do hope he reflects on his actions and learns from them. Instead of wishing for karma, wish that your ex becomes a better person and owns up to their mistakes.
18. Stop focusing on whether your ex will change. Trust me, they very rarely do. If a cheating partner TRULY changes, they will apologize to you for hurting you. Every person who has hurt me AND changed, eventually came back and apologized for their actions. This doesn’t mean we have to be together, be friends or be part of each other’s lives, but it does show a huge step of maturity for them. If your ex never apologizes nor shows remorse for hurting you sometime far in the future, then assume they haven’t changed. Cheaters rarely change. But when and if they do, they’ll own up to it and at least give an apology and try to make amends.
19. People don’t forget the way you treated them. If you were truly a wonderful partner, then your ex will always remember that. I want to leave good imprints in people’s lives. You should focus on doing the same. Whatever happens always be the bigger and better person with your ex. Don’t spread rumors. Don’t tell everyone and their friends what happened just to make people hate your ex. Don’t get revenge. Don’t use people by having random sex and breaking hearts along the way. This is how wonderful, nice, and decent people become jerks themselves.
20. The world is bigger than this. Many of us, myself included, believe their world is destroyed because of the infidelity. All of a sudden everyone seems evil, unworthy of trust and we question what the point of having a relationship or commitment is all about. Some of these feelings are normal during the beginning of a breakup but long-term this is a big problem. Remember that as bad as infidelity and breakups are, the world is full of people suffering in many other ways. There are beautiful relationships and marriages that have trust, respect and communication. And sometimes, this is just another obstacle we have to overcome. Remember that no matter how you feel, the world is bigger than this, much bigger. Don’t let someone disrespecting and hurting you change your views on humanity and love.
21. You do deserve better. Hundreds of people will say this to you but the meaning remains the same. You deserve better than cheating. Don’t forget that.
22. Focus on what you want. At a certain point it is time to focus on what YOU want. Re-discover who you are and get back to the wonderful person you are. This is a great time to get in shape (exercise will make you feel better too), start a new hobby, move to another city or country you’ve always wanted to live in, pursue new career opportunities and just have fun.
You will move on and be happy again. Life does not owe you anything. You are not promised a happy, beautiful and care-free life just because you were born. However, you do have control over your own life and have opportunities to build a meaningful and joyous life. The first step is by healing yourself. Best of luck with getting through this betrayal and I wish you many more happy times!