Dealing with negativity has happened to us all and it can really have an effect on our personal life and happiness. You’ve been through the below negative situations in all sorts of ways.
- She never calls me to see how I am, but I always hear from her whenever she’s upset about something happening in her life. I feel like I’m always there to support me but I can’t remember the last time she has returned the favor.
- Whenever we hang out he always talks about how ugly he is, how nobody likes him and how nobody would ever want to be around him. I’m always put in the position of reassuring him and feeling guilt in the process.
- He gets angry at me whenever I can’t help him with his pain. He has angry outbursts and sometimes tells me to stop being his friend.
- She is so draining to talk to.
- Sometimes talking to him about his issues takes the focus off my life and makes me forget my own problems.
- I’m her therapist whenever she needs me to be.
- He needs me and without me giving him support and advice, he would be lost and miserable.
Negative energy from people can hit us in different types of ways. Here are nine strategies that I have used in my own life to battle against negativity.
1. Don’t make assumptions and have an open mind. Sometimes we may actually be misjudging the situation. A friend may be having a particularly off week and seeming more negative as usual. Perhaps you may be interpreting what they are saying incorrectly. Miscommunication in body language or verbal language can and does occur and often times we may reflect what we perceive as the negativity, resulting in a more negative situation. Several years ago I met someone who seemed pretty harsh at first impression. She was a very blunt person and had the same tone for being angry and happy. From my initial impressions she came across as a negative energy person, but in actuality that was just the way she spoke and was part of her humor.
Instead of making harsh judgements, treat someone with positivity and kindness. As you show kindness and respect to someone else, the person may be more likely to reflect more positively towards you. You might see more sides to the person than you thought. However, be careful to not get too involved with the situation. You can be kind but don’t be supportive of the situation or end up being someone who enables negative behavior as a result.
2. Establish boundaries. There is truth in the saying that we teach people how to treat us. When you don’t enforce boundaries, a person with negative energy is free to complain without issue. Because you allow yourself to listen to their negativity, they’ll continue to reach out and complain whenever you have an issue. Recently, I had an old acquaintance reach out to me via email to ask me for advice about a woman he was in contact with. This man has been in unhappy marriage and always finds excuses to cheat or to not make an effort in his marriage. He’d come to me for advice, but ignore all the feedback I’d give him about going to marital counseling or seeking divorce. After some time I had to cut the contact because all he could give me was negative feedback about his wife, his job and complain about how there is nothing he can do to make his life better except through affairs. To protect myself from the drama and being involved, I stopped replying to emails.
He recently sent me an email after a few years of not talking to him. The same pattern, however, had not changed. He was still caught up in the drama and negative energy. I gave him the same advice I had all those years ago and completely stopped replying to his emails. Sometimes the best way to deal with negative people is to cut them out of your life or limit your interaction with them. You don’t have to publicly announce to them you are cutting them off, but often times limiting contact and taking some space will give them the message that you need a break. Alternatively, you can try to ask them how they will fix their issues and stop being the listening ear for them. That may help them stop being as negative, but often times the pattern will continue at some point.
You might need to set boundaries by only spending time with them in a group setting. As a group you can all handle the negative person and you can step away from the negative friend easily. Another good bonus of a group setting is that you can see how others react and respond to your friend. Seeing how others respond to negative energy may give you ideas on how to better deal with this friendship.
3. Change the topic. If you’ve known a person who is prone to negativity, then you likely know their triggers. This person might become very negative about jobs, relationships, and their family and so on. Sometimes the best defense against a negative person is to change the subject entirely. A friend of mine often gets pretty negative about dating and brings up dating whether or not I ask. I can’t control whether or not she’ll bring up the dating but I can control how much I choose to focus on talking about her dating woes. Whenever she brings the topic up, I comment respectfully and then move on to a different topic. By focusing off of the dating subject, I can focus on more light hearted subjects that don’t really trigger the negativity. Think about what the person feels positively about, and switch to that topic.
4. Don’t be accountable for someone’s negativity. I have a tendency to want to do everything I can to make a friend feel better. If someone is feeling negative or unhappy, I’ll tend to put myself out there to try to make the situation better. Trying to fix someone’s negative views on the world is a waste of time. You can’t control anyone’s perspective on the world and you risk becoming someone’s emotional vampire by constantly trying to control their negative mood. The person will rely on you to constantly feel in a positive mood and you’ll constantly feel drained. A friend of mine used to have the tendency to send me messages whenever he was depressed or feeling anxiety. He’d send me messages that were pages long and he’d want a reply equally as long. However, even with my thoughtful replies, nothing about the situation got better and he looked to me to temporarily feel better. The whole situation went on far longer than it should until I had to call it quits. You can’t change someone so stop trying. I’ve developed a technique where I’m kind but blunt whenever I feel the situation has become toxic. I let them know the negativity is getting out of control and I’m happy to support them but I need to step away and not deal with it as much. By creating a situation where I can accept them from who they are and control how I respond, sometimes the person takes steps to make changes on their own and in their own time and I can put my focus and energy on things that do make me happy. As a result, the relationship becomes less negative and I can enjoy the person for who they are.
5. Emotionally detach. Negative energy can have too much of an impact on our lives if we get too emotionally invested. Emotional investment can cause us to worry about how negative people view us or allow their views of the world to affect us. You might slowly start to see yourself becoming more negative as a result of being around this person. A negative person can also bring out emotions within us such as strong compassion or anger. You might find yourself suddenly wanting to play at being a therapist or having an unexpected angry outburst towards your friend. Ultimately this may be what is feeding into your friend’s negative energy. People dealing with negative energy may be searching for unhealthy ways to know that someone cares about them or that they are not alone in this world with their feelings. When you feel yourself becoming different in a negative way from being around this type of person, then you need to emotionally detach. Get some space from the person and the situation.
6. Ask yourself what you are getting out of this situation. A friend of mine is often the person who always listens to his friend rant about issues with her boyfriend. This has created a situation where her negativity is influencing him. He has become dependent on always needing to care for her. He likes being her therapist and being the one she comes to for advice and support. I’ve been in similar situations in the past where I get some kind of odd kick out of being the person always giving advice. The reasons can range from wanting to be a caretaker to someone, needing to be needed, secretly disliking the person and wanting to ensure they are unhappy or even enjoying the person because they make you feel better about your own life. The reasons aren’t pretty but you do need to understand why you feed into the negativity cycle. As you understand your own personal reasons for voluntarily being in this position, you’ll understand what behaviors you need to change to have a healthier dynamic.
7. Ask yourself if you are giving negative energy. This is a tough question to ask yourself but sometimes the negativity does begin with us. You might be critiquing your loved ones unnecessarily and seeing negativity that was never there in the first place. The best way to know if you are being negative is to change your perspective. I have a friend who I used to view negatively unnecessarily. I felt he was being negative and I misinterpreted his actions. After writing down what happened, I realized that I was reading too much into things and taking out some negative feelings I was having on external things and reflecting them onto his behaviors and actions. After working on becoming a more positive person, I was able to view his actions as positive and see the situation for what it really is.
8. Focus on loving yourself. Being around negative energy can sap the strength from you. Take time to relax and take good care of yourself. If you don’t take time to care for yourself, you might end up feeling unhappy, confused and almost like you are going a crazy. A negative energy person places too much of the focus on them. A giveaway that you are losing yourself to this negativity is if you find yourself venting about this person constantly or expecting a phone call or message at any moment from this negative person. If you find your day becomes less happy after spending time with them, then you are not spending enough time taking care of yourself. You can’t control what a negative energy person does but you can control how much you take care of yourself so that you can maintain your health and positive self-energy. It is almost impossible to have a healthy friendship with a negative person if you don’t ground yourself so you don’t get easily affected by the negative energy. When you focus on loving yourself, you are able to defend yourself against negativity.
9. Maintain a realistic relationship with this person. In other words, accept the relationship for what it is. Now that you have established boundaries and found ways to react, accept that the relationship may never change. Your friend may always be a negative person. That’s out of your control but you can control your expectations for the relationship moving forward. I have a few negative energy friends in my life. Instead of cutting them out of my life, I’ve learned to accept them for who they are. I’ve also learned what I can handle from them. For instance, if a negative energy friend asks me for advice via email or the phone, I get back to them later in the week. The boundaries are set that I will respond and I do care but I have other priorities and needs that I need to attend to first. If a friend is repeatedly venting to me about the same situation, I step away from the person for a bit and avoid the subject. I invest a bit more time into my other positive-minded friends and I’ll still hang out with the person, but maybe after a few weeks when they’ve gotten their situation sorted out or in a group setting to offset the amount of negativity I am exposed to. You can’t control the people in your life and some of the people you love and are close to may have too much negative energy for you. As long as you stick to the reality of the situation, you’ll ensure that you treat the situation in a way that is healthy for both you and the other person.
You’ll meet many people in your lifetime and you can’t control how negatively someone will be to you. However, by focusing on how much you invest into a negative energy person, you can take action to ensure you create a space for positive energy.