Breakups are tough regardless of the type or duration of the relationship. A breakup can be heartbreaking with a short-term relationship, one that has lasted years or even after promising dates. It doesn’t matter if the reason for the breakup was bad timing, a toxic relationship that has been overdue to end or an incompatible match. It doesn’t matter if you were the one who has been dumped, the dumper or if this was a mutual decision. It doesn’t matter if you still love the person or not. It doesn’t matter if you had to walk away because you need to love yourself a little bit more. The end of a relationship is hard.
You may be reading this because you want the pain to end. You are tired of the pain, tears and the heartache. You might even have tried going on dating sites or meeting new people to try to mask the pain by meeting someone new. There might be conflicting advice coming your way about how you should move on as quickly as possible or take time and enjoy the single life.
Nobody can make you ready for a broken heart. Even if this isn’t your first heartbreak, you might realize that the pain can be just as intense, if not more intense, with this specific breakup. Suddenly this person who is in your life, is suddenly not anymore. This person may have been there with you during important moments in your life, your best friend, someone you shared lasting memories with, or played a critical role in your personal growth and now they are suddenly gone.
You might feel like you don’t even know how to move forward. Maybe you thought this relationship was going to last a lifetime or you are struggling to figure out how your life will look now that you are single. Remember that even though you are going through heartbreak right now, your life is not over. Everything will be okay. Even though the relationship has ended, your journey has not. Below are some things you must do to help you move forward, heal and be ready for the next amazing things in your life.
Allow yourself to feel sad and mourn the relationship. One of the worst things you can do is try to avoid the pain with distractions whether that’s dating, going out with friends or trying to force yourself to feel good about the end of the relationship. Allowing yourself to feel heartbroken isn’t a pleasant emotion but it’s necessary to move forward.
Don’t feel guilty about needing time to mourn either. Guilt is something you may feel if the relationship was overall bad. You might feel ashamed that you are mourning someone who was abusive, cheated on you, a liar or generally made you feel worse about yourself and life. Toss that guilt aside and let yourself mourn.
You might feel guilt, if you were the person who chose to end the relationship. Maybe you know that the other person wanted the relationship and is still in love with you, but whatever your reason, you had to walk away. Even though you made the choice to leave the relationship, it’s okay if you are feeling pain. Stop being so hard on yourself for wanting to be upset.
Don’t put a timeline on how long you need to mourn the relationship. Some people need to grieve for a year while others need a few months. During this grieving process, you must be able to allow yourself to cry, scream, yell and feel miserable. When those painful feelings hit, try to not resist and just embrace the tears and the pain. Trust me, it’s better to embrace the pain now than try to avoid those feelings and have them come out at an inconvenient time.
If you struggle with allowing yourself to mourn the relationship, try these methods below.
- Allow yourself to cry, even if it’s just for a few minutes.
- Journal how you feel.
- Allow yourself to feel angry about the situation, at your ex or even at yourself.
- Yell into your pillow or in your car.
- Stay in bed when you need to.
- Listen to sad music.
- Practice deep breathing when you feel overwhelmed or fear.
- Welcome the feelings of sadness, instead of actively trying to push them away.
The more you allow yourself to feel your emotions, the easier it will be to get through the process of mourning and move forward.
Don’t place pressure on yourself by feeling like you need to have healed by now. Heartbreak is something that only heals with time. There is no shame in needing time to mourn and heal. There is no right way for healing so allow yourself to heal in your own way and time.
Accept that the relationship is over. Regardless of why the breakup had to happen or whether you wanted things to continue, you must accept that the relationship is over. I know right now you might feel like this is the wrong decision, that a relationship you valued so highly was taken from you. Or that this person is truly the right person for you and the love of your life. I know that right now you are hurting so badly right now and you can’t stop loving and missing that other person.
Even if this wasn’t your choice or you wish there was a better choice for the both of you, the relationship is now over and you must respect the decision that was made. This is a good time to also accept the relationship for how it truly was. You both had your flaws. There were good and not so good memories. There may be resentment over some things and love over other things.
As much as you are hurting right now, this too shall pass. Work to accept that the relationship is over and it’s time for you to move forward and accept that your journey doesn’t include this person anymore.
Take care of yourself. Heartbreak may be the reason why you have lost your appetite or have been overconsuming foods that aren’t good for you. You might have developed a habit of not taking care of your appearance, wearing the same clothes, skipping showers and other poor hygiene habits. Exercise and eating proper nutrition may be something you have let go of doing.
Doing these things is normal right after the breakup, but it’s time to break out of the habit and start taking care of yourself. What you do to help care for your well-being is completely up to you. Some people prefer to invest in a hobby or passion while others like treating themselves to a spa day.
During one breakup, I had gotten into a nice habit of getting myself an inexpensive facial every couple of weeks. It was something that helped me relax tremendously and gave me time to focus on something else. During a different breakup, I started prioritizing fitness more so than I ever had in the past. Exercise was great because it helped me work up to a goal such as running a half marathon and naturally helped me feel more positive. I quickly realized that I could move forward and be okay regardless of how sad I was feeling.
If you don’t know how to take care of yourself right now, then start anywhere. Seriously, just pick something and give it a try. This tactic works great, especially after a long-term relationship where you may have lost touch with who you are and what your true interests are. You don’t have to fill up each day in your calendar but take time to try something new until you figure out what you like the most. Eventually you will start to find yourself again as you invest more into taking care of yourself and finding the right hobbies for you.
Sign up for a free trial at the gym. Read a book you find interesting. Catch up on your movie list. Learn a new skill. Try a different hobby. The opportunities are endless so just give something a go and see what works best for you. Eventually you will find hobbies and things that give you something to look forward to and help you find enjoyment again.
When taking care of yourself, remember to keep your physical health a priority. Try to avoid using alcohol or other substances to try and mask the pain. This will only make your situation far worse and you will struggle with finding healthier ways to cope in the long run.
Instead, find positive habits that help you take care of yourself such as eating the right nutrition and doing exercise that boosts your mood and keeps you in a healthy shape. Use your single time to focus on yourself and figure out who you are again. Although you might be hurting from the breakup, this is the perfect time to rediscover who you are and spoil yourself!
Remember you are not alone. Breakups can be an isolating experience since you may not feel comfortable sharing with loved ones what happened and may not realize that others carry similar painful feelings. You might also feel guilty about speaking up about the pain you are going through. What you are going through is completely normal.
There are many, many people who have experienced breakups. The majority of people in the world have dealt with a relationship ending and have gotten through the pain and grown from the experience. People can fall in love again and find the right loving partner after they heal. Even though you are hurting right now, remember that you are not alone in this feeling.
Stay in the present. During a breakup, you might find yourself focusing too much on the past and the future. A breakup might make you frequently wonder what happened, why the relationship ended and looking for meaning in every interaction. It’s okay to search for some meaning immediately after a breakup but you must work to move on and let go of the past. Focusing too much on the past will make you feel unnecessary pain and be confused about what happened.
The same logic applies to being too focused on the future as well. You might worry about how you will move forward, if you will ever be happy, fall in love again or how life will look without this person in your life. Focusing too much on the future keeps you in a place of fear and anxiety.
So why do many of us feel tempted to fantasize about the future and obsess over the details of a breakup? Because focusing on the past is an attempt to find answers that simply aren’t there. You want to find logic and meaning within something that is creating so much pain. You are hoping you will find clues or something you missed to help make the breakup make sense and give you a sense of closure.
Fantasizing about the future is another way your brain is working to try and make sense of the heartbreak. You might hope that there will be a future where the both of you end up together and live happily ever after. Maybe you are hoping for a heartfelt apology that suddenly makes everything right. You are hoping that this pain will somehow make sense and everything will work itself out in the future.
Having these feelings is completely normal but for your own well-being and to successfully move forward, you must stay focused on the present. Staying in the present isn’t easy but try the below techniques to help you get on track.
- Change your routine. Wake up at a different time, eat something new, head to the gym instead of sleeping in or reverse the order you do things in.
- Practice deep breathing.
- Reorganize things.
- Focus on one task at a time. Trying to do many things at once can make you prone to distractions and having your mind wander off.
- Remove distractions that intensify your negative thoughts. During a breakup, I deactivated my social media accounts for several months. My mood improved dramatically and it removed triggers that made me think of the past.
- Slow down. Do things at a slower pace.
Staying present is challenging, especially during a breakup but the more you try to stay present, the easier it will become. Being in the moment is worth the effort, so stay committed to not living in the past or future any longer.
Reconnect with your loved ones. You might have been in a relationship with someone who you called your best friend. You probably spent quite a bit of time with this person, and as a result, may have lost touch with your friends or family. The great thing about friendships, is even if you both lost touch, you can reconnect and strengthen that friendship.
One of the most important things that helped me recover from past breakups was spending time with friends. Even having phone calls with friends before bedtime was great since I had gotten into the habit of chatting on the phone with an ex. I’d organize movie nights with friends, even went on an overseas trip with a friend and made sure to not talk too much about my ex or the breakup during this time.
If you don’t have friends, that’s okay too. You can work to develop friendships a little bit at a time. There are many people out there who would value having a friend like you. Get out there and join social groups or find hobbies where you can meet new people. Even get in touch with a friend that you haven’t talked to in several years. You might be surprised that people you haven’t spoken with in years can suddenly be in your life again once you make the initial steps to reach out.
You are worthy of love. Going through a breakup can bring forth negative thoughts and insecurities. As you struggle with accepting the breakup, you might deal with memories where you made mistakes or didn’t handle things in the best way. That’s okay. Even though this relationship didn’t work out, you are an amazing person who is deserving of love.
Don’t allow a relationship to define your self-worth. Your self-worth and capability for giving and receiving love already exists within you. A relationship ending does not predict the success of future relationships and just because this love has ended, does not mean there are no other people out there who are right for you. Stay strong and remind yourself every day that you are a wonderful person and the right person is out there waiting to meet you.
Learn the lesson that this love has given you. Relationships, regardless of whether it has ended or not, provide us with a lifetime of lessons. Even though the relationship has ended, you have gained a lifetime of lessons that you can use to have a healthy and loving relationship once you are ready.
I’ve learned the importance of communication from past relationships, boundaries, personal space and how a loving relationship should feel. As you go through relationships you will realize more about yourself and what you want in a partner. You can evaluate what went wrong in these relationships and how you can do better the next time.
A breakup can teach you the importance of walking away from a toxic relationship. You can learn how to appreciate and communicate with a partner so that even if you love this person, that person knows how much you love them. A breakup can teach you about a cycle of bad habits that you have. Maybe you are attracted to people who don’t treat you well or you have a habit of giving someone the silent treatment when things aren’t going well.
Learning lessons after a breakup don’t happen overnight and the process can take months and years of soul searching. You may need to reach out to therapy if you struggle with patterns that you feel are stopping you from having a healthy relationship. Take responsibility for your happiness and your part in the relationship. Even if the relationship was toxic and abusive, you owe it to yourself to understand if there is anything you could have done to walk away sooner or identify red flags when dating.
Don’t beat yourself up for needing to learn from this relationship. Nobody enters this world with a guidebook on how to have the best relationships. We all make mistakes in love and need to learn and grow to have a healthy relationship. Be kind and loving to yourself and recognize these lessons will help you build a stronger foundation for the next relationship. Below are some ways you can help learn lessons from past relationships.
- Write a list about where you might have gone wrong. Again, be kind with this process but be honest and accountable for any mistakes you may have made. Your list might include not speaking up about what you want, overlooking red flags, not walking away, not showing appreciation to your partner or the types of people you tend to be attracted to.
- Find ways you would make different choices. Now that you know where you might have gone wrong in prior relationships, focus on better ways to handle this in the future. You could work on feeling confident about not pursuing a partner who has red flags, being more open with your feelings or understanding and communicating your boundaries in a healthy way.
- Seek therapy when you need to. Getting professional help for an issue is not a sign of weakness, but instead a sign of strength and courage. Sometimes we need help to understand underlying problems and reaching out to a therapist could help you take those initial steps.
- Write a list about the traits you are looking for in a partner. Focus on nonnegotiable traits and try to avoid listing superficial characters. Your list might include mutual respect, healthy communication, feeling safe or being able to be who you are.
Deep down you know that the relationship isn’t right for you right now but you can’t stop your heart from breaking. It’s completely okay if you are hurting right now and that process of healing could take months or years. Be patient and kind to yourself as you deal with this roller coaster of emotions.
Remember that you can’t change the situation or the person, but you are always in control of yourself. Work to pick yourself up and focus on your well-being and healing. A breakup can be the catalyst for tremendous growth and change. These lessons you are learning right now may not be what you want, but they are what you need. Learn from this and prepare for an amazing future ahead.