Life can be full of challenges and difficulties. Sometimes tragedy strikes that is in no way measurable or comparable. The saying when it rains, it pours does not even begin to reflect what you are going through. First of all, I’m sorry to hear you are going through the tragedy in the first place.
Regardless of what you are going through, finding hope is what gets us through the tough times and helps us to keep fighting through the journey for a more pleasant time. Without hope we wouldn’t be able to continue fighting on to better times. Below are some tips to help assist you in finding and maintaining hope.
Pain is a natural part of life. Humans are not born into this world meant to have everything perfect, wonderful and happy. Many of us are protected from tragedy from a young age. Pain is incorrectly associated with something harmful and unnatural. We happily talk about all the amazing things happening in our lives but stay silent on some of the downsides of life. Being happy is not a constant emotion. There will be times where tragedy strikes, where things are outside of our control, where people can and will hurt us. As painful as the hard times are, remember that pain is part of life and something that everybody goes through.
Pain can make you a better and stronger person. I’ve been through a fair share of personal tragedies the last several years. I acted in ways that I thought I never would. I found myself in situations that I never imagined would realistically happen to me. In other words, I felt like a big bucket of painful reality was dumped over my head and it took me several years to dry off from it. What I was shocked by, was the fact that I’m a much wiser, stronger and happier person because of the pain and the journey of getting through the pain. I recognized other strong and amazing people who had been through tragedy and have somehow gotten through it. Pain forces us to wake up and change. When things are going good, things are good. We continue doing the same things, seeing the same people and being quite content. This is great, but sometimes pain opens up doorways to something even better, something unimaginably better. We are tested in dramatic ways and become stronger. We actively look for new opportunities to improve ourselves.
Succumb to your emotions for a little bit. There is nothing wrong with crying or feeling sad. You don’t need to prove to yourself or anyone that you aren’t hurt and aren’t affected by what was happening. I’ve always been the type to have a difficult time opening up and letting my feelings out. I would often feel embarrassed to show my sadness or would apologize profusely for showing how sad I was. During my last tough time I remember breaking down with a friend. We were taking a walk, and suddenly I just melted and started sobbing. I immediately apologized, feeling ashamed that I had started crying but it was exactly what I needed. I needed to cry and feel miserable. There is nothing wrong with shedding tears and breaking down. Don’t be afraid to show your feelings. It is a simple step to healing and finding hope.
Appreciate what you do have. This is very tough to do during a tragic time. Whenever I’m in pain and everything seems to be going horribly, the last thing I can do is count my blessings and be happy for what I do have. However, it is necessary to appreciate what you do have. This process can take time and can be challenging. You may need to continually remind yourself of what you have to appreciate. Struggling to find things can be hard but stay focused on something you can be grateful. Nothing is too insignificant or small to be grateful for. You may be grateful for your children, your friends, your job, the food on your plate, the shelter, your priest, owning a car, being able to pay your bills this month, having good health, having someone to talk to, for being alive this very moment and the list can go on. Again, I know these hard times are tough to go through and to try to find things to appreciate and be grateful for in your life is difficult too. This is no easy task but one you must make regardless. Being grateful helps us focus on the present and realize that are still good things in this life. Things may not be ideal or great, but there are still good things in our life.
Remember the times you have persevered. Going through a tough time can make you lose sight of the other times that were challenging in your life. Because you’ve persevered and gotten through the other side, you may have forgotten how you’ve been through tough times before. Remember those tough times and remember that if you made it through once, you can certainly get through it again.
Strive to be strong in what you have. Again, none of us are promised a permanent and happy life. Wealth does not give you a happy life. Romantic love will not give you a happy life. Failure is certain. It is impossible for you to not fail. Everybody fails. There is nothing we can achieve that will ensure we have a happy and problem free life for the rest of our lives. However, we can strive to be strong no matter how good or bad the days are. We can strive to appreciate what we have every day. This process can take years so don’t sweat if you can’t wake up every day counting your blessings. Changing your mindset does not happen overnight. It took me years to naturally appreciate things. It will take you however much time it takes for you to find the balance of appreciating what you have and realizing that life is indeed what you make of it. Nothing has to be perfect but we can find ways to look for the good and happiness in life, and be open to opportunities where goodness and happiness can continually enrich our lives. You are stronger than the problems that you have which means you have control to change your problems and how you feel about your problems.
Always have a reason in what you do. The journey is not just about how we get through things but why we get through things. What is your inspiration to keep going. Why do you keep trying and fighting for something better? Don’t lose sight of what will keep you getting through this struggle. Remember that the reason to keep going is often beyond the superficial. Focus on the bigger picture and ultimately what gives you internal happiness. Remember the reasons that continue to inspire you.
Take accountability. Losing hope diminishes the fact that you have power and control over your own life. When tragedy strikes it is easy to want to blame this on other external factors such as God, your family, your boss, your friends, your ex partner and feel like none of this would have happened if it was due to them. However, you are not a victim and that is a statement you can find strength in. You are not a victim. Matter of fact, you are your own hero. You are the one who will pick yourself up and get your life on track. Take control of your life and remember that nobody controls your destiny and journey except you. Sure, obstacles may happen that are unanticipated or out of your control but you can get through these challenges all on your own. You are accountable for your happiness.
Embrace support. Find strength in your support networks. Ask for help. When dealing with a tragedy I had a very difficult time letting myself go and asking people for help. I always felt I could do everything on my own but taking away that internal resistance allowed me to be stronger and connect with people who love and want to help me. Ask for help and embrace support. Don’t push people away who only want to help and support you. Say yes to support given even if it is difficult. Asking for help will provide you with the tools to get through these hard times and become a stronger person.
Give to others. Going through a difficult time can place us in a position of selfishness and focusing on what we don’t have. We forget that we are not alone and that others are struggling with their own personal pain. Just because you are going through a difficult time does not mean you don’t have anything valuable to offer someone else. Remember to give what you can and how you can. Giving back to others will help remind you of the things you do have that you may take for granted. Someone going through a difficult part of their own life may need you. This will allow you to change your perspective and focus less on yourself. You’ll realize that you are not alone in your struggles. Other people are going through challenging times too. You might also realize that life could be worse or see ways that life is not as bad as it seems to be.
Be patient. Your journey will take time. The last time I dealt with a tragedy, it took me years to get through what happened. The journey became easier over time but that chapter of tragedy took several years to fully close. Be patient for great things do not happen instantly and are often not on our own time lines. Your life is valuable and beautiful. You don’t need something short term and cheap to get yourself out of this horrible time. You need to give yourself the gift of time to really get through this situation, heal and find opportunities to get through this situation. Let go of beliefs that everything has to happen now, that everything has to be solved and healed right away. Challenges take time to get through.
Avoid validations and comparisons to others. Your life is unique and beautiful and nobody else can have that life. Comparing yourself to another person’s success and expectations is pointless. Sometimes we seek permission or look to others to validate our lifestyle and worth. You don’t need someone to show you how valuable your life is. You don’t need to be envious or jealous of the success of others. Again, be grateful and appreciate what you do have in your own life. What you might be invalidating and viewing as insignificant may be something that someone else wishes they have. Find value within your own life and focus on you first. Create a life that will make you happy. Trying to live up to someone else’s expectations of what your life should look like will only lead to disappointment.
Practice positive-self talk. During hard times it is easy to blame yourself. “I’m so stupid” or “How could I have let that happen?” are statements that many of us may find us saying. The more you say these negative phrases, the more you train your mind to believe them even if they are very far from the truth. Practice positive self-talk. Focus on accepting yourself and what happened in the past. Everyone is capable of making mistakes and nobody is perfect. Speaking positively to yourself will help you believe that you will be okay. Also practice positive talking with others as well. Being strong in how you communicate your situation to others and having a positive mindset will also help you with viewing the situation as temporary and something that you can get through.
Deal with the present. Going through a hard time can lead us to have all sorts of ideas about how our lives should go. How are we going to pay the next bills? What will I do if I’m evicted? Do I need to get another job? Who will take care of my child? The questions can go on and on and drive us crazy. Deal with the present. Deal with today. What can you do today to help your situation? Driving yourself crazy with “what ifs” and making plans for things that have not happened yet will waste time. Focusing on the past and what you did have or should have had will also lead to regret and distress. You can’t change the past and the future is far enough away. Focus on today, the present first.
This period of hardship will lead to a new beginning. Don’t let this period of hardship define you. It is just one chapter in your life and you can use this time to form a wiser, stronger and happier you. You will have a new beginning at some point and it may be something you can’t even imagine right now. Just like hard times you’ve had in the past, you will get through this and you will be okay.
Let’s work on changing our attitude, mindset and the way we cope and handle difficult times. Let’s reach out and embrace the hope of our lives. Yes, things may not be so great right now but things can and will get better. Allowing yourself to be empowered in this journey will give you all the hope you need to focus on the present and the things you need to do now to make today better.