Each of our lives is full of different people, and one can never tell who will be a great friend in our lives and who may end up being a negative influence. Betrayal can happen to anyone at any time. It can be something that is unexpected or a situation where we received all the warning signs, but chose to ignore those warning signs. Betrayal can happen in so many situations and in a variety of ways. A close friend can divulge a secret about yourself to others. A colleague or coworker can make promises of acknowledging your work in a project, and then simply not do it. A close family member can suddenly stop speaking to you or even walk out of your life entirely. A spouse can cheat on you and leave you for someone else. Someone you trust may steal from you or lie directly to your face. There are many ways that someone can betray you, and sadly it’s an experience that many will encounter to some degree.
As a result of betrayal you may end up feeling a wide range of emotions, many of which are hard to process at a given time. You might feel angry one day, depressed the next, have low self-confidence, torture yourself with questions about why this had to happen, feel shocked and disappointed. At times you may feel like your emotions are a pendulum, where you feel okay one moment and livid the next.
So now you are faced with the question of what to do? I’ve dealt with betrayal before from friends and a past relationship. Below are some of my tips from that experience.
Accept your emotions. Remember that it is completely normal to feel hurt and nobody should ever tell you that your feelings aren’t normal. Take some time to write about how you feel and include all your thoughts. Speak to a trusted friend about what you are going through. Consider seeking professional counseling if you are experiencing very negative emotions about a situation. Professional counseling is pertinent if you are suffering from suicidal thoughts or intense feelings of low self-confidence.
Confront the issue. After you take some time to relax, now is the time to explore what exactly happened. This process must be done respectfully. A part of accepting and moving on from the betrayal, is being able to really understand what happened. Try to think about all the events that led up to the betrayal. It’s important to think about all the events that actually did happen. During this time it can be easy to misinterpret what happened. You may forget that one thing happened, and over-focus on something else that did happen. This can cause you to incorrectly assess the situation and result in you feeling even more confused.
Communicate your feelings to the person who betrayed you, or at the very least, express your emotions in your own way. Be honest with that person about how he or she made you feel. Let them know you are upset, hurt or sad. Make it clear to them that you feel betrayed and how you feel unable to trust them anymore. Communicate with that person in whichever method you feel most comfortable. You can arrange to meet with them in person, speak on the phone or exchange a letter or email. In many cases, you will not be able to speak to the person who betrayed you. Even though it is in your best interests to not speak to that person right now or it may not even be possible to speak to this person, you can still write out your thoughts and emotions.
Take it easy on yourself. During this time you may have people telling you to not be upset over this person or to start moving on right away. You also might start blaming yourself for how things turned out. You must relax and give yourself a break. Cry as much as you need to. Don’t feel bad about turning down invitations from friends if you need some time and space to yourself. Certainly do not consume yourself with thoughts about how this happened because of you or the mistakes that you think you made. You did not choose to be betrayed. That was a choice someone else made and not something you asked for.
Surround yourself with positive people. Betrayal is a horrible experience but you still have good people around you. You have friends, people that support and love you and people that genuinely want the best for you. Plus, there are opportunities to meet other great people who have the same values and may have also been betrayed in the past. Focus on surrounding yourself with good people.
Cut off or limit your time with untrustworthy people. One positive from a betrayal is it usually causes people to take a closer look at their relationships. Which friends tend to not support you, gossip or overall have a negative influence on your life? Which family members tend to bring out the worst in you? You don’t need to keep spending time with people you don’t trust so start identifying those people and creating boundaries.
Work on your self-confidence. After being betrayed, it’s likely you may experience low self-confidence. It is important for you to take care of yourself and not let this situation change you negatively or make you feel bad about yourself. You are still a wonderful person, and it’s important you try and remember that. To build your self-confidence, work on surrounding yourself with positive friends or continue doing things that you really enjoy and add meaning to your life. Try to continue improving yourself physically and emotionally so you can visibly see the positive changes you are making in your own life.
Control your anger. Whatever happens, try to not respond with insults, unreasonable anger and with hateful words. I realize this can be difficult especially when the betrayal was unexpected or caused much pain. Either way, you do not want to look back at this situation and be ashamed of your actions. Again, it’s okay to be upset and angry but try to not take it out on others. It’s important to talk about the situation but be careful about who you divulge this information to and the method you go about doing it. If a colleague screwed you over, then it might be best to exercise some caution when discussing this with other colleagues or an employer, to avoid saying something you might regret. The same restraint should be shown with the one who betrayed you. The situation is already bad, and you saying unreasonably hurtful things may cause the situation to just get worse. Do not try taking revenge on someone either. You will only make yourself look immature and may possibly regret it later.
Try to foster positive emotions in yourself. Some mistakes people make after being betrayed may include listening to sad music, watching depressing movies, or reading books that may make you feel worse and have more doubts. Avoid all of that stuff. Watch positive shows or movies. Spend more time hanging out with people who are positive in your life. When thinking about how to spend your spare time, try to pick something that will make you feel positive. If possible, avoid doing things that might remind you of the person that betrayed you.
Learn to forgive. This is one of the hardest things for someone to do if they have been betrayed. The only way to really move on and let go of that pain is by learning to forgive. Holding a grudge over what happened will only make you feel worse and you will keep feeling stuck in the past. You will only be causing yourself pain by learning to not forgive. Remember you cannot move forward by holding onto resentment and anger. Only by letting go of these negative emotions and making the choice to forgive, opens up a path where you can truly move on.
Avoid being mistrustful of everyone. A common feeling after being betrayed is the fear that someone may cause you this pain again. This emotion can be very strong if you have been betrayed multiple times in your life. Regardless of how often you have been betrayed or the type of betrayal, you have to remember that although there are quite a few people in this world who will betray and hurt you, there are many people who are worthy of your trust. It’s okay to approach future interactions with caution and to take things slow when opening up to someone again, but it is not okay to assume that everyone is not worthy of your trust.
Make a decision about the relationship with the one who betrayed you. You will have to make your own decision about how to approach this relationship. You can get a divorce, continue the friendship, change jobs or cut the family member out of your life entirely. If you do decide to continue the relationship then there are two things that need to happen. You first have to be willing to forgive and trust that person again. Any type of relationship cannot survive when still mulling over past mistakes. I remember a situation where two sisters decided to be close again, and years later they stopped talking because the other person was still angry about an event that had happened years ago. There is absolutely no way to continue an interaction if you cannot forgive and trust the other person. Secondly, the person who betrayed your trust needs to prove that they are trustworthy. This person needs to show you that he or she understands your feelings and is willing to do what is necessary to earn your trust. Furthermore, the person needs to change harmful behaviors. A friend who abandoned you would need to show that they are trustworthy again by demonstrating that that he will always be supportive, there for you, and is reliable. A family member who stole from you in the past, would need to show they are reliable and take steps to show that they will pay you back.
Be positive about the future. Whatever happens, you have to learn to be optimistic about the future. You cannot spend a significant amount of time worrying about what’s happened and being fearful of what is to come. Many of you may have already been through situations that seemed scary and uncertain, but you were able to pull through it. Be excited about what might happen in the future and let yourself not be consumed with thoughts of negativity. You will be surrounded by trustworthy and loving friends. You will meet someone who will not betray nor hurt you. You will be in a situation where you get the respect you deserve.
Focus on building a life that makes you happy. Learn from the betrayal and focus on working to build a happier lifestyle. The future can be unknown when betrayed by someone important to you, but now is the time to start taking risks and doing things that make you happy. Do not attempt to get back into a relationship or friendship that makes you unhappy. Remember, that you can find happiness without that person and now is the time for you to focus on those goals.
Be patient. Betrayal is a terrible thing that many of us would like to never experience. It’s normal to be tired of feeling hurt and to want all the negative emotions to simply go away. The reality is that these feelings take some time to get over. You will need some time to get to a place where you can be completely positive and ready for some changes in your life. This process takes time and it’s extremely important that you continue to be patient about the process and have confidence that things will get better.