I’d describe myself as an extrovert. Being around people is great and I tend to get a little down when I spend more than a day without any social interaction. I’m fortunate in that I know a good amount of people and have good working relationships with my coworkers, a good group of friends and I love meeting new people.
However, a problem I’ve often had is feeling like I don’t have close friendships. My partner is my best friend and I’m lucky that I have a friend who lives a continent away who I’ve talked to regularly over the years. But outside of that, I don’t have a platonic best friend or someone who I would say is a close friend.
And yes, this makes me sad sometimes. Many of us crave a person who really knows us and genuinely loves spending time with us. It’s great to have someone to have brunch with, tell secrets to or share jokes with throughout the day. Some of us are fortunate to have those close friendships while other people struggle to find that person they can truly connect with.
Lately I’ve been working on trying to develop closer connections along the way. I’m not putting high expectations on myself and truly believe that close friendships develop naturally, but figured there’s a few things that I can work on when developing stronger relationships with others. Below are some lessons that I’m trying to keep in mind and that may help you as well!
Define what you really want. Craving connection doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. You might feel lonely but that doesn’t always mean a close friend is the answer. Some people thrive on spending time with people, regardless if it’s in a group setting or an intimate conversation with a friend. Others maybe need to find their tribe or are looking for people who share similar interests. Try to identify if your feelings are coming from a place of wanting to have more social interaction, sharing your vulnerabilities with another, or wishing to be surrounded by others who share your attitude and passion about life.
Share your interests with a friend. A genuine friendship is a bit of give and take. You may not enjoy going to bars and drinking but will occasionally if it’s important to your friends. Or you may dislike playing board games but will go to a board game night that your friend is hosting. The same logic should apply to your own interests as well. Establishing better friendships can happen naturally when you share your interests with others.
I love board games and puzzles, so a fun way to involve my friends who have varied interests is by hosting murder mystery parties or inviting friends to an escape room. This is a way of sharing a bit of myself to my friends. Try to not focus so much on what your friends want to do. Be open and invite them to play tennis if sports are your thing. Have them over for dinner if you like cooking, Invite them out to a new restaurant you have been dying to try if you are a foodie. A great way to deepen your connections with others is by sharing experiences that are meaningful to you.
Ask to catch up one on one. It’s easy to assume that your friends may not be interested in getting to know you on a closer level, but that’s simply an assumption. Next time ask a friend if they would like to meet up for lunch, catch a movie or invite your friend over for dinner.
Sometimes all a friendship needs is the opportunity to get to know each other more on a closer level. For instance, a month ago I spent a weekend with friends playing board games and catching up. I had the opportunity to talk to a couple of people one on one, which helped strengthen the friendship.
A few weekends ago a friend invited myself and my partner over for dinner with her and her husband. This was a wonderful way to deepen the connection of our friendship without having to force anything.
Meet new people. You might be in a situation where you’ve relocated to a new area, realize you have little in common with your current friends or are just wanting to meet new people. Friendships are a lot like dating. Close friendships can happen but you may just not have met the right person to click with. Find groups that have your interests, put yourself out there and see what happens. Meeting new people isn’t easy but you are likely to make new friends by putting yourself out there.
Identify when the problem might be with you. One thing I’ve been working on is reaching out to people who I haven’t been in touch with for months or even years. Many friendships will change throughout the years and you may lose touch with people which is a normal part of life. However, one thing I’ve noticed is I might be thinking about someone (an old coworker, a friend from years ago or a family member) and wonder how this person is doing but not take the time to reach out to them.
Nowadays with social media and technology, reaching out to someone should be pretty simple. One habit I’ve been trying to adopt is reaching out and just asking someone how they are. This doesn’t mean we need to hang out, have a phone call or a deep conversation about our lives. But it’s nice to check in and see how people are doing.
There might be habits you have that aren’t constructive to making close friendships. Maybe you tend to decline invitations to things, have a habit of ignoring messages or forgetting to respond or take a passive approach to friendships where you expect someone to make the first move but won’t go out of your way.
Be vulnerable. It’s tough to have close connections when you can’t share who you truly are. You don’t need to share all the intimate details of your life or expose deep dark secrets. But the only way to attract close friendships is by being yourself.
Work on sharing a piece of yourself with people or opening up more about your true feelings about things or voicing your opinions. Other people may feel hesitant about being open and vulnerable with you if they sense that you are only connecting with them on a superficial level.
Good luck on your journey with making close friendships and deeper connections with others. A close friendship shouldn’t feel forced but there are things you can do to make it more likely you’ll find someone to share a connection with.