I’ve been encountering a few relationships where people have had to make very obvious sacrifices to make the relationship work. All healthy relationships require some level of degree and compromise. Unfortunately there is not a detailed guidebook about when a sacrifice is too great, a compromise isn’t actually a compromise and when you are sacrificing too much of what brings you joy to be in a relationship with another person.
Everyone has their own personal boundaries of what they can handle in a relationship, but there are definite things that you should not give up to make a relationship work.
1. Your authenticity. The right person will love you for who you are. Many of us know this rationally but many of us are susceptible to losing ourselves within a relationship. I have a silly humor style that some people find endearing and others find quite annoying. I was dating a guy for several months who I could have amazing conversations with and we certainly understood each other on many levels. Yet, when I was goofy around him, he found it absolutely annoying. He even asked me to stop at some point because he found my humor to be embarrassing. Him not enjoying my humor at all was a sign that we are not compatible.
The right person for you will not ask you to stop doing the things that make you who you are. Sure the right person may not always enjoy certain aspects of your personality and there may be times when one part of you is endearing and annoying at other times. However, a partner should never ask you to stop being who you are.
Watch out for times when you feel like you have to shut down parts of yourself around your partner. Ideally there shouldn’t be much difference between how you act with your close friends and the way you act around your partner. When you start feeling uncomfortable being around yourself around your partner, then that is a sign that you are sacrificing your authenticity to be with this person.
2. Your passions and dreams. All of us have something that we want within our lives whether those passions involve pursuing a hobby we love, writing, traveling to exotic locations or music. Healthy relationships do require your time and some of that time may come from passion and hobbies. As a result, you may have ended up investing so much time into your relationships that you stopped pursuing the things that gave meaning to your life. Losing your passions and dreams doesn’t always happen overnight. This process may start by committing less to your passion, saying no to events you always loved going to or spending less time with friends who shared this passion with you. After awhile your dreams end up staying dreams and not becoming reality.
Healthy relationships sometimes require some sacrifices with passions but they should not result in you having to give up on your passions and dreams entirely. A healthy relationship allows you to have a balance between the passion. Let’s say you always wanted to take a year off and travel around the world. In a relationship you may not realistically be able to do that without taking the risk that the relationship will suffer. In a healthy relationship there would still be ways you could live out your dream without giving up the relationship. Perhaps you could travel for 3 months instead of a year or maybe you could plan for your partner to join you instead. A healthy relationship finds ways for you to still pursue your passions and dreams.
If you find that you are giving up all your passions and dreams for a relationship, then something is going wrong. Step up and start finding ways you can pursue your passions again. A partner who prevents you from pursuing your dreams is not someone you want to be in a relationship with.
3. The right to make a decision. Relationships require sacrifices and compromises but ultimately you are an individual who has the right to make your own decisions. Not everybody will always agree with your choices. A loving partner may disagree with you and even feel you are making the wrong choice. Yet a loving partner will give you the space and freedom to make your own decisions, regardless if they agree or not.
Good relationships will give you different perspectives and have different types of advice to share with you. However, there should be a balance between giving advice and not feeling like you are pressured to make a decision you don’t want to make. Many of us learn from watching other people make mistakes or from advice. Yet, all of us sometimes need to learn from experience and although someone may be giving you wonderful advice, some people are not in a stage where they can follow through on that advice. You have the right to make your own decisions, even if those decisions are different from the ones your partner believes you should make.
4. The right to change and move forward. All of us are moving forward and you may change in many ways. Change can be a bit scary for a relationship. As you try new things, learn about new perspectives and start making big changes within your career or personal life, your relationships will be affected in some way. A healthy relationship is made up of individuals who will be changing at some stage in the relationship. This doesn’t mean that your love, respect or commitment to each other has to change. All change means is that you will be growing and moving forward as an individual.
Your life will progress and ideally your loved ones will be there with you as you move forward in life. Healthy relationships will not prevent you from moving forward. Sure, a loved one may be a bit worried, have concerns and may need to adapt to those changes but a loving partner will not prevent you from moving forward in your own life. If you want to make a career change, a loved one may question your decision, remind you of the risks and benefits, but ultimately will respect your choice to make a change in your career if that is what you decide. There will be no ridiculous ultimatums such as abandoning you if you decide to go down a path where you move forward.
5. Your self-respect. A bad sign of a relationship is when you start feeling like you have low self-esteem, insecurity and you feel disrespected. All of us deserve a relationship where we feel safe and comfortable around another person. All of us should be in relationships where there is mutual respect. Be wary of any relationship where someone talks down to you, calls you horrible names or tries to make you seem weak or a horrible person. Not everybody is completely perfect in relationships, but a person who is consistently disrespecting you is someone you should not be in a relationship with.
6. Your other relationships. A good relationship doesn’t ask you to sacrifice your friends or family to be with them. Your partner may not like certain people in your family or some of your friends. That is unfortunate but that doesn’t mean that you should give up your friendships and family members to appease your partner. In a prior relationship, I did not like one of my ex-boyfriend’s friends. One of his friends came across as fake and did not treat me with respect. I had no idea why he was friends with her. Although I didn’t enjoy her company in the slightest, I did not ask my ex-boyfriend to stop hanging out with her. The best thing I could do was just avoid hanging out with her or if we did have to spend time together, I’d treat her respectfully and make the best of the situation.
Not all your loved ones will like everybody you like. That’s okay though. That’s why your friends are your friends and not the friends of your partner. Regardless you shouldn’t have to stop spending time with these people just because your loved one doesn’t like them. Also be wary if a loved one seems jealous of your other relationships with people. You should have a strong support network outside of your partner. A partner should be happy that you have so many loving and supportive people in your life. A high amount of jealousy directed towards your loved ones is typically a red flag.
7. Your happiness. Being happy is something you want to feel overall in your relationship. Even the best relationships won’t always be happy 100% of the time. There will be times where you go through rough patches, things feel a bit boring or routine and where you may need to fight for your relationship and not give up. You will need to find out if your relationship is one that overall makes you happy but is going through a rough patch or whether you genuinely feel pretty lukewarm or unhappy about your relationship overall.
Life is too short to be in a relationship out of loneliness or where you consistently feel miserable. You can be very happy being single and staying in an unhappy relationship takes away the opportunity for you to meet someone that you could have a happy relationship with. Do what you can to make the relationship work and be a happier one. Do some self-assessment to see if your lack of happiness comes from giving up your dreams, independence or something internal to you. When you have tried to make the relationship work but you still feel unhappy, then it may be time for you to move on from the relationship.
8. Your independence. A good relationship is made up of two individuals who have their separate lives. Losing your independence in a relationship may not be obvious at first. Let’s say you meet someone great who never goes to the gym. You go to the gym regularly and your partner decides to come along with you. Your partner asks if she can come to the gym with you every time that you go, and you agree. Suddenly the relationship involves both of you going to the gym together every single time. When you ask your partner if you can go by yourself, she gets upset and demands that you wait until she goes. If you stop going to the gym, she stops going too just because you aren’t going anymore. This is just one common example of when independence can become lost in a relationship.
Independence is healthy and its great to have your own separate interests. Financial independence is also a good thing so that you have a say in how you would like the money you earn to be spent.
Let go of a relationship that violates the things that you must not give up for a relationship. A healthy relationship requires a degree of sacrifice and compromise. However, a healthy relationship maintains a balance of compromise without resulting in you needing to give up any of the above for the relationship.