Everyone has experienced a moment where words are expressed too hastily and regret shortly follows. I have certainly experienced moments where I say something too quickly or loaded with sarcasm that another can read negativity in my comments. An example from years ago was making an inappropriate joke at a party about a close friend. The joke was an inside joke and something that my close friend group knew about. However, a person who overheard the joke did not realize this was an inside joke and took it the wrong way. She ended up telling my friend what I said at the party which caused my friend to be offended and caused our friendship to temporarily end. Eventually we talked about what happened, I apologized, we worked through it and revived the friendship but if I hadn’t told that joke, the situation would not have happened in the first place. We’ve all said things that we wish we could take back or realized only caused harm.
Below are some instances where words can have a negative impact.
- Ranting on about how terrible my week has been to people
- Making a negative comment about someone
- Getting angry and writing a text message or email that I wish I hadn’t sent in the first place
- Bragging too much about my accomplishments with someone
- Telling something personal to someone who doesn’t need to know that information in the first place.
- Telling a joke to break the silence that ended up being inappropriate or offensive.
1. Reflect on the value of your words. The things you say do have value and can have a tremendous impact on your relationship with someone else. Words also cannot be taken away once said aloud. Try to develop an internal habit of understanding if your words are necessary, kind, helpful and add any value to the situation. When you don’t believe your words can add any value to a situation, then it is best to not utter those words aloud.
2. Talk less. I’m a very social person and love to talk and get to know people. However one of the negative consequences from being social can be speaking too much about things that don’t need to be said. If you would say that you are the type to be talkative and social, then work on intentional talking less. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be yourself. With people you trust, you can certainly talk as often or as briefly as you like, but by intentionally talking less, you will train yourself to be more mindful of what you say and you’ll also develop a better habit of listening.
3. Avoid talking about your problems. I’ve always been a bit of an open book. If someone asks me how I am or what I did during the weekend, I’m pretty open about my life. However, I’ve had to learn to break the habit of telling negative details about my life and have more discretion about specific details. Most people I’ve encountered are pretty trustworthy and helpful but after a few bad consequences of telling the wrong person too much information, I quickly realized I made a mistake. There’s nothing wrong with talking through your issues with a trusted friend, but try to avoid mentioning the problems in your life to people who don’t need to hear them. You might come across as a complainer or too vulnerable to the person you are speaking with. Alternatively, your words may come back to haunt you as you tell someone information that they don’t need to be privy to. For instance, telling people your weaknesses may give people the ammo to hurt you or abuse your trust.
4. Use discretion. Voicing your problems too much can also come across as gossiping or spreading rumors. Have you ever been in a situation where you complained about something or someone to a person and somehow other people obtained that information? Maybe your boss found out that you hate your job and how you don’t approve of his managerial decisions. Perhaps your friend found out that you thought she was being rude at a party from the friend you divulged this information to. Be very careful about voicing your problems to someone as you might ruin your relationships in the process. I am a pretty trusting person myself but complaining to the wrong person or saying too much information can have negative repercussions with loved ones, friendships or at work.
5. Ask questions. When you ask questions, you put less focus on yourself and that can give you the opportunity to learn more about someone else. You also give yourself time to respond. By asking someone a question, you give yourself time to think about how you would like to respond and how much you are willing to invest in your response. Let’s take a simple example of asking your coworker how their weekend was at the beginning of the day. Maybe they’ll respond with a brief statement such as, “my weekend was great.” Or maybe they’ll go into the specifics about what they did each day, who they spent their weekend with and their overall mood throughout the weekend. Seeing how someone invests in an answer will allow you to make better choices about how you respond to a question. If they don’t divulge much information to you, it may be better to be brief in your response as well.
6. Avoid bragging. You have accomplishments you are proud of and big wins that you love talking about. Sometimes it’s hard to contain the many amazing things happening in your life but unfortunately too much talking about your personal life can come across as bragging. Speaking too highly of yourself can come across really negatively to people in ways that are unexpected. Bragging about a promotion at work or your high salary can make your colleagues feel uncomfortable or cause people to not feel bad about taking advantage of you. Speaking too much about how amazing and great your life is to acquaintances and friends may make them feel annoyed with you. Reserve talking about your accomplishments with your loved ones such as your family, partner and best friend. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your accomplishments and wanting to share those with others, but share those accomplishments with people close to you instead and in the appropriate medium.
7. Don’t say something just to fill the silence. We have all been stuck in that awkward place of not having anything to say. As the uncomfortable silence seems to be filling up the room, you want to say anything to break the silence. However, sometimes the best move is to just sit back, relax and let the conversation evolve naturally. When you grasp for words to say, you might often pick the wrong thing to say. As a result you may cause offense, gossip or tell someone too much information. Even when the words aren’t hurtful, the way you end up forcing a conversation may cause you to feel regret or embarrassment. To avoid this situation, the best thing to do is to just let the conversation be. Sometimes silence feels uncomfortable but it is only uncomfortable to you and not the other person. A conversation needs more than one person to thrive.
8. Avoid speaking in anger. Anger is a strong emotion that can allow us to say things very quickly and from a place of emotion. The words often cause irreparable damage that can destroy our relationships or create distrust. I’ve had to really control how I respond to anger, specifically with romantic relationships. For some reason I can hold myself back when speaking with family or friends, but with romantic relationships I have struggled with holding back my words when angry. When feeling angry, practice holding back and relaxing. Try to breathe slowly and deeply. Taking deep breathes can calm you down and creates a space for reflection. There’s nothing wrong with being angry and the emotion is not bad, but we can control how we respond to anger. By taking deep breaths or giving ourselves space, we can allow ourselves to not add more negativity into the situation.
Creating space to think about our words before speaking can deepen our relationships with people and save us from regret. By having better self-control you can determine when you should share information or just keep your words to yourself. Feel free to share your experiences about when you regretted what you said? What tips have you used to prevent yourself from saying anything you might regret?