You probably know that feeling in your gut when you feel like someone takes you for granted and doesn’t appreciate you. You try to deny that feeling and focus on the ways that person has shown you appreciation, but eventually those moments are outweighed by disappointing memories. Feeling unappreciated can be a horrible feeling. You might believe you are being a wonderful friend, loving partner and going above and beyond for your loved one, but that person continually fails to appreciate all the efforts you are making and doesn’t seem to care about you.
Being in a friendship or relationship like this often makes you feel alone and plays at your insecurities.
Signs someone doesn’t appreciate you.
- Their actions don’t match their words. Your friend might promise to help you out, but does a disappearing act around the time you need them. Your girlfriend might promise that she won’t be late to an important event, but ends up failing to not show up yet again. It’s easy for anyone to make promises or tell you that they are a great friend and will be there for you. But at the end of the day, actions truly matter. If their actions do not match their words, then it’s unlikely that the person appreciates you.
- Does your friend take days or weeks to message you back without caring about the impact that has on you? Does your family member have a habit of cancelling on meeting up with you for dinner? Is the person you are dating likely to bail on your date last minute without a solid and honest reason? Does your boyfriend make plans to spend with his friends and family without carving out any time to see you? When someone is unreliable and feels it’s okay to cancel on you at the last minute, then there’s a good chance this person doesn’t appreciate you.
- You are getting too many mixed signals. There will be points in any relationship where there might be misunderstandings and that’s okay. In a healthy relationship, you work through these misunderstandings and find a compromise. When you get too many mixed signals, you feel like someone is close to you one day, and distant the next. Depending on the relationship, this rollercoaster of confusion can happen on a monthly or even daily basis. In romantic relationships, you might notice that the guy you are dating stopped calling you regularly, even though a couple of weeks ago he was more consistent in his communication. With a friend, you might notice that she wants to hang out all the time some days and then suddenly drops off the map for weeks at a time. Receiving mixed signals consistently is not healthy nor a sign of a good relationship.
- The friendship feels unbalanced. Imbalance can show itself in many ways. You might be the one making most of the effort in the relationship, while the other person is happy doing the bare minimum. Or maybe you are working on yourself and growing as a person, while the other person refuses to move forward in their own life and doesn’t seem to care about the successes in your life. I realized this once about a long-time friend when she didn’t know anything about my personal life, didn’t ask and didn’t even seem to care when I did share the details.
- You have clearly, openly and honestly communicated your needs and wants and nothing changes. What you want out of a relationship may be obvious to you, but not clear to the other person. That’s why establishing good communication with your loved ones is important. Nagging, passive aggressiveness, ignoring or making subtle comments will probably not help your loved one understand your needs. However, if you are clear and honest with the other person about what you want out of a friendship or relationship and the person has barely done anything to step up, then you know this person doesn’t value you.
- You find yourself making excuses for their poor behaviour. You might be the type to complain to other people about your friend or partner but in the same sentence, make an excuse for their poor behaviour. I remember hearing someone tell me about her then-boyfriend who didn’t accompany her to the hospital after she was in a car accident because he didn’t want to miss a soccer game. This might be an extreme example but even though her partner wasn’t stepping up in the relationship during an emergency, she still gave excuses for his poor behaviour such as the fact that he couldn’t miss the soccer game he was really looking forward to. When you care about someone you might be prone to giving excuses for their poor behaviour, not realizing that these are not typically legitimate reasons for treating someone in such a way.
1. Accept that there’s nothing you could have done to have changed the situation. You might spend countless time trying to analyse your every action and word and wonder what you may have said to have changed the situation. Nothing you could have done could have changed the situation. There is no type of relationship where people act perfectly and say and do the right thing every time. The right relationships are those where you can be yourself and feel comfortable with the other person. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around someone or feel like you must earn someone’s love or friendship. Remember, the best relationships and friendships are ones where you feel safe and can be yourself. The best relationships consist of two people who care and love each other.
2. Forgive yourself. Being around someone who doesn’t appreciate you may have a negative impact on the way you feel about yourself. You might have insecurities that were not there before in your life. I remember when I was around people who didn’t value me, I thought far too much about when I should reply to messages because the person had a habit of taking days to reply to a message. You might be kicking yourself for spending too much time around people where your insecurities were heightened and you spent far too much time thinking about the consequences of your actions and words. That’s okay. Forgive yourself. You have learned from this negative experience and can move forward knowing what you deserve in a healthy friendship or relationship.
3. There is nothing you can do to fix the situation. You might believe that you can control the situation and make someone realize they are taking you for granted. The only person who can fix the situation is the person who is not appreciating you. Nothing you can do can change the situation, and trying to earn someone’s affection can make you feel worse about yourself in the process. Trust me, it’s not worth it. You don’t need to do a makeover so that the person you like will like you back. Trying to always make your schedule flexible so that you never say “no” to this person will not make them realize how much of an effort you are making. And no, not even ignoring them for months on end has a guarantee to make this person wake up and realize how special you are in their life. Earning someone’s appreciation should not be conditional and based on how you look or how much you do for a person. I know you might be grasping at ways that you can change the situation, but the best way to calm your heart and feel peace about the situation, is to accept the situation as it is. You are great the way you are. You treated this person the best way that you can right now. You are reliable, trustworthy, fun, amazing and many people would count themselves lucky to know you. Remind yourself of this fact every day and know in your heart that there is nothing you can do to fix this situation. If the situation changes, then the person who doesn’t appreciate you needs to change, not you.
4. Realize that some people will not be able to appreciate you no matter how great of a person you are to them. There are many, many reasons why some people may not be able to appreciate you. Perhaps the person has a habit of taking loved ones for granted. Perhaps this person is focused on earning the appreciation of someone else, that they do not realize how little they try for your friendship. Or maybe this person has a bit of growth and change to do within their own lives to realize the importance of appreciating your loved ones. It’s also possible this person for whatever reason just does not value the relationship with you which is a sign of incompatibility and a sign that you should let this person go and move on. Not everyone in the world will care about you the way that you care about them, and that’s okay. Whatever the reason for the imbalance, it’s time for you to move forward.
5. Let go of this person in your life. When someone doesn’t value you, it’s important to walk away from the relationship or at the bare minimum, limit your time with them. In other words, prioritize other things or people more than that person. I still have friends in my life who I believe don’t value the friendship as much as I do. I used to allow this to bother me so much, but then I realized it’s okay. We can still be friends, and I’ll see or talk to them every so often, but generally I keep my distance. If these friends are ever interested in a closer friendship, then I know that they will step up and make that effort. In romantic relationships, I find that it is much better to walk away from an unhealthy relationship so that you can open yourself up to true love with someone who values and cares deeply about you. Letting go allows you to stop caring so much about how this person feels about you, and focus more on how you feel about yourself and to appreciate the relationships where the effort and love is mutual.
6. Allow time to heal your wounds. Loving and caring about someone doesn’t stop instantly. You may care about this person for months, years or even the rest of your lifetime. I know that right now you may want to switch off your feelings, especially because you know that you deserve to be around others who love and care about you. Time brings change within ourselves. Be patient. You will find true love, one where the person reciprocates your feelings and values you tremendously. You will make great friendships where you know the person cares, is reliable and will be there for you. The process takes time so please be patient.
7. Let other things take priority. Moving on from someone who doesn’t care about you can be hard, but you will find the process easier when you prioritize your passions and other people more. Spend time with friends and family members where there is a healthy relationship. Nurture and grow the relationships where you know that the people love and appreciate you. Meet new people. You might realize that the qualities you admired in the person who doesn’t value you is apparent in other people. Meditate. Exercise. Use your emotions and energy to create something. Explore hobbies that you have always found interesting to you. Focus on the people in your life who bring you joy and happiness. Eventually you will realize how wonderful your life is, regardless of whether this person cares about you or not.
8. Your self-worth is not measured by how much another person appreciates you. I realize that right now it feels like this person’s opinion is important and that if they don’t appreciate you, it might feel like something is wrong with you. Those beliefs are far from the truth. Stay positive about yourself and remember that there are other people in your life who value and appreciate you. This person didn’t measure up and that’s okay. This is not a reflection on you as a person. There are people who appreciate you right now and there will be more people who will appreciate you in the future.
9. Appreciate and love yourself. Again, this person should not have power over how you feel about yourself. It’s okay if you feel upset that the friendship isn’t balanced or that the relationship didn’t work out like you had hoped. But don’t let these feelings of disappointment feed you negative thoughts about yourself. You are an amazing person whether this person appreciates you or not. Love yourself first. There is nothing wrong with you by having feelings for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you. You are a wonderful person capable of caring and loving another person! There’s nothing to be ashamed of by your ability to love and share that love with other people in your life, regardless if they feel the same way or not.
The best relationships are reciprocal and these are the ones deserving of your care and attention. A healthy relationship, whether that is a friendship or relationship, involves people who both make an effort. Realize that a healthy relationship must consist of people who are willing to nurture, grow and maintain the relationship. You know something isn’t right if you don’t reach out to a person and believe that the friendship would dissolve completely or that a relationship requires you making most of the effort to continue. Work to nurture the relationships that bring happiness into your life and where you know the effort is reciprocal. Appreciate all the great things happening in your life right now and keep loving yourself.