I’m definitely nowhere near the best at explaining my point to another person. In my head, my feelings and justifications make complete sense but putting that into words has always been a struggle. In general I’ve always tried to avoid debating as I felt like I was not good with putting my thoughts into words and reacting quickly with my points.
Months ago, I made what I thought was clearly a joke to a friend. From my memory, I thought she had smiled or acknowledged in some way that I was just joking. Yet weeks later I was surprised to hear that she was offended by something I had said and was upset with me. I found this out from a mutual friend and not from her directly. My mutual friend explained the situation and my words had been taken out of context and interpreted in a way that did not fit my thoughts at all.
I had spent hours trying to figure out what exactly had happened that had offended her so much. When I confronted her, I realized that she had taken my joke the wrong way. My humor was being misunderstood and I was offended because she was my friend and I thought she understood my humor and wouldn’t take it the wrong way. I apologized for the offense that she took from the joke, but I was still pretty upset by the situation. I questioned our compatibility as friends and was annoyed that she had not come forward and told me that straight away rather than be offended in silence.
After that incident, I wanted to follow up with her and explain what happened even further. I wanted to get angry and ask why she felt the need to approach other people rather than clear this up with me directly. Instead of confronting her, I dealt with the situation within myself. I wrote about the incident and allowed time to pass. Eventually I let it go.
1. Stay calm. When you feel misunderstood it can be easy to get angry, raise your voice or even resort to trying to show your intellect or rationale by belittling someone and even misunderstanding their point as well. Take a deep breath and relax. One technique that you can try is walking away from the conversation momentarily to help calm yourself down and get an idea on how to respond. If you receive an angry email, you can take a few hours or even a few days to respond. Even when a misunderstanding happens on the phone or in person, you can still request some space to formulate a reply. A big mistake I’ve made in the past is trying to immediately reply when I’m still upset and angry. As a result, I end up saying things I regret and potentially damaging a relationship. Resist the temptation to immediately respond and stay calm to gather your thoughts.
2. Sometimes people only want to hear what they want to hear. When you are being misunderstood, there’s a good chance that you might not be articulating your thoughts clearly and there’s also a good chance that the other person only hears what they want to hear. Sometimes you just have to accept that you may not be fully understood by someone. There are some topics that I know will not be understood by certain types of people. If I describe my beliefs on religion to someone who strongly believes one way or the other, it’s unlikely that person will actually understand my logic. If I’m in an unhealthy relationship, I understand that a toxic partner may choose to never understand me. Keep in mind that sometimes people genuinely will not understand you because they have their own biases, perspectives and feelings on the matter. In that case you have to accept that the misunderstanding is more of a reflection of their own views than yours.
3. Is this really about being understood or external validation? All of us have a desire to be appreciated and seek external validation at some points. The feelings of wanting to be understood can often have more to do with wanting external validation than anything else. Be wary if your actual goal is to show that you can “win”, convince people of your logic, and seem intelligent to people around you or show off something else about yourself.
Are you trying to control the situation? Your feelings about being misunderstood could have more to do with control. You may want people to understand your views, agree with you, see your perspective as rational just so that you feel like you are in control. One way I realized this is when someone kept telling me that I felt like I didn’t understand their point. After stepping away and getting space from the discussion, I realized that I was trying harder to make another person understand me than I was trying to understand them. Be honest with yourself about whether being understood is more about control.
Do you need to respond to being misunderstood? There are many cases where trying to be understood may not really serve a purpose. Other times trying to be understood could have more negative repercussions than positives. You have the right to respond to points of misunderstanding but choose your battles wisely. Sometimes you show your best sides by how you respond to not being understood. For instance, if an employer misunderstands me and there’s no real negative repercussions for that misunderstanding, I might just let it go. Trying to be understood could come off the wrong way and if there’s no real positive reasons to be understood, then there is no real reason why I should take that risk. However, in a relationship where I really need to be understood on some points, I am much more likely to try and find ways to be understood. Yet in healthy relationships, it is also okay to disagree on some points. Although I can try to make a partner understand me on some points that are important to me, other points are ones where I’m okay if we disagree or can’t see the issue in a similar way. Choose your battles because some relationships are not worth damaging due to a desire to be understood.
Being misunderstood is normal and happens to everyone. Nobody is completely understood. That’s fine. Not everybody will agree with you, understand your perspective or think that your argument is rational. You will not be able to understand every person on every level. Every interaction is prone to misunderstanding. A joke can be taken the wrong way. A person may only pick up bits and pieces of what you say from an argument. You may not always be able to relate to the other people which is fine. Even some businesses rely on being misunderstood. A research study can be misunderstood by various writers who want others to believe a certain way or to motivate readers to buy a product. Accept that not everyone will understand you. As you learn to accept this fact, it will be much easier to not get too upset if some people take you the wrong way.
Mature people understand that there is no black and white thinking. I used to always be worried about being misunderstood partly because I assumed that someone might be viewing me with black and white thinking. There are people who view the world in black and white. With those people, no matter how much you try to be understood, it is unlikely that person will understand you. People who are mature understand that there’s more to you than what you can say within a brief conversation. A mature person understands that your beliefs are complex and that they may not truly understand everything you have to say. With these people you will have opportunities to further explain your thoughts and the person will typically acknowledge that they may have misunderstood you.
Admit when you are wrong. Try to not let the desire to be understood blind you from the times when you are wrong. As I mentioned earlier in this post, there’s a chance that people are seeing things only from their viewpoint and there is just as much of a chance that you are not articulating yourself well. Take a look within yourself and try to understand where your own weaknesses may be. Do you have a tendency to assume that people can fill in the blanks? You may think you are making a point but in actuality you could be assuming that people understand what you mean. Have you made a mistake and not owned up to it? Sometimes you might state information thinking it is factual when in reality you made a mistake. You might quote statistics incorrectly, paraphrase something wrong or simply say something that didn’t happen. Everyone makes mistakes so that is normal. Yet own up to your mistakes and admit when you are wrong. People will have a harder time understanding you if they feel the information you share is not accurate. People will appreciate your honesty though. Are you being respectful? Your desire to be understood may have caused you to lash out and hurt someone. Apologize for your behaviour. The price of being understood is not worth burning bridges over.
It’s okay to adapt your thinking. Trying to be understood is perfectly fine and you have the right to want to be understood. However, being able to see other people’s perspectives is also important too. Try listening more in your relationships. You might be surprised by a different perspective, outlook and you might even adapt your thinking. Try exploring your thoughts. Exploration might involve you understanding yourself more and why you believe what you do. Part of exploring is being open to the stimulus around you. You can train your mind to spend just as much effort into understanding others just as much as you want to convey your own beliefs and thoughts.
Rely on internal validation. I am surrounded by loved ones who think very differently to me. These people understand me in some ways, and don’t in others which is fine. What matters is that I fit in with myself and not with everybody around me. Instead of relying on the need for validation from others, start being comfortable with your own thoughts and feelings. That way when people misunderstand you, you’ll be able to walk away feeling okay with being misunderstood and comfortable with the fact that you know yourself. You’ll also be okay with having strong relationships with people who don’t always get you. My relationships with loved ones improved tremendously when I stopped trying to make them understand me. My tribe doesn’t have to only consist of people who understand me on every issue. Focusing on internal validation allows you to have faith in your own beliefs and opinions. You know what you truly believe and are happy with that fact alone.
Being misunderstood will happen to you at some stage, with all types of people. Learning when you should try to make yourself feel understood and being able to let go is key. Work on understanding and accepting yourself first and foremost.