Recently I’ve been having a very rough week. All of us can relate to such a feeling. Feeling that things are great, going smooth and then out of nowhere, bad news hits and it feels unexpected, unfair and painful. You might have been doing great in your career and feeling stable when suddenly your boss tells you that you have been laid off. Maybe you and your fiancée have been engaged for over a year, busy planning the wedding and preparing for your future together when she tells you that she’s having doubts and does not want to marry you anymore. Perhaps you have been studying for a tough and very important exam and doing your absolute best to prepare, when you are shocked to find out that you have not passed. Or maybe one of your best friends has suddenly and unexpectedly disappeared on you and you are unable to reach her and are constantly wondering if you have done or said something wrong, but you are left without answers. When you went to the doctor recently, the results have come back, and you are shocked to discover that you have cancer. Maybe you have lost a loved one unexpectedly.
One thing I’ve learned from all my past heartache, is that although it is painful and you have to grieve and have those moments where you just lose control and let yourself feel upset, throw a pity party and go through all the motions of severe emotional pain, you cannot let the pain change you in a negative way. You may feel like you have hit rock bottom but now there’s nowhere else to go but up.
1. Nothing is permanent. The truth about life is there will be good times and bad times. You have to embrace the good times, and enjoy it. My personal philosophy is to bring the best of myself to every situation and every person. When things are going great, enjoy, appreciate and immerse yourself within all those wonderful moments. Unfortunately those wonderful times will not last forever. The same goes for the bad times. Although you are hurting so much right now, that feeling will not last forever. Eventually things will be looking up again. I can promise you that. For every situation where I’ve felt so disappointed in life and overcome with pain, eventually things did start looking up again. You may not feel like that right now, but I promise you that things will get better in time.
2. Keep smiling and laughing. You may be in pain right now, but you can still laugh, smile and appreciate the good moments that present to you each day. Sure you may be unhappy on the inside or disappointed but embrace those small moments that cheer you up for just a little bit each day. Call a friend and have a nice chat. Take a walk outside and enjoy the outdoors, the sun and seeing the people who share this world with you. Smile at the people around you. Share a laugh with your friends and loved ones. Enjoying those small moments of joy will remind you that although you are hurting, you can still feel happy.
3. Pain comes with a purpose. You may not see it now but this experience will shape you. You can resist that change or allow the pain to change you in positive ways. You may not know how this pain will shape you and the results may show over the next few months or years, but this experience will make you stronger in some capacity. When dealing with infidelity from an ex-boyfriend several years ago, I felt absolutely hopeless and could not understand how that experience would shape me in any positive way. Yet over the years since that breakup, I could see how that experience taught me important lessons about loving myself, having strong self-worth and valuing yourself so that I could not accept poor treatment from a partner or friend again. I also learned how to let go. Yet, these lessons took me years to learn and realize. Although you are hurting, there will be something to gain from this experience one day. Perhaps this pain is the very thing you needed to take action and move forward.
4. Keep being you and if you change, change for you. It can be tempting and easy to become negative and wanting to change yourself in negative ways to deal with you pain. You may tempted to engage in unhealthy behaviors to try to get through the pain. You may be a very kind person, and want to be unkind, selfish or mean to others as a way to get vengeance for the pain. You might be in a desperate place where you try to change parts of your personality to win people over, impress people and to prove that you are good enough for the people that have rejected or ignored you. If you do change, change positively. Smile and laugh more. Continue to treat people with respect and kindness. If you do decide it would be in your benefit to make changes, do that for you and not for someone else. Life is far too short. This is your life, so live it for yourself and not to appease or hurt others. Be part of the solution.
5. What is meant to be will be. I’m not a big believer in fate or destiny, but throughout my lifetime, I have seen that things sometimes do fall into place. Sure the journey there may have been unexpected and different but that’s life. Life is a confusing mess. Sometimes things doesn’t make sense, sometimes people leave for no reason, sometimes life deals you what seems like an unlucky hand and sometimes the struggles just seems like too much. That’s okay. Most things are not in our control. So take a deep breath, be calm and accept that this situation is outside of your control. You cannot force an end result no matter how much you believe you can. All that means is that your journey is going to be different then you thought it would be, but that’s okay. Often times the destination is better than you ever intended.
6. Stop doubting, worrying, fantasizing and complaining. All these habits attract negative energy and people. Complaining will only make you find people that share your negative views and encourage you to embrace the negatives more than positives. Worrying and fantasizing keep you in the same exact place. It is hard to move forward when you keep thinking about unrealistic possibilities or worrying about your past actions and how you could have done things differently. Doubt in yourself can make you give up. A struggle in your dream can make you want to give up and never look back. An end of a relationship can make you want to give up on love. Losing something or someone important to you, can make you feel like you have to give up on happiness and wallow in despair for the rest of your life. We can all relate to these feelings but doing nothing and allowing these habits to remain in your life, will hold you back. Instead, move forward and make positive changes and steps forward.
7. Be grateful for all that you do have. Keep perspective and be grateful for all the problems you do have. Life can be worse. Actually you may have been through worse than what you are dealing with and you got through that. Yes it may be tough right now but take a few moments each day to count your blessings. Reach out to loved ones if you are feeling like you cannot find something to be grateful for right now. I often find that my friends and family always reminds me of the positive in a situation and all the good things I offer to the world around me. Note those blessings. Write them down if you need a reminder each day. You are alive. You have another day to fully love and embrace this beautiful world.
8. Keep moving forward. Life is not easy. There will be struggles and sometimes you will not even have a support group or safety net to catch you. Refuse to give in, to surrender, to stop fighting and especially to not hope. Refuse to not change or to get back up again. Yes, the pain is terrible right now but taking steps to move forward will help you conquer the pain and grow from it. And don’t stop smiling. Keep smiling, laughing, being open to joy, being kind and loving. You may feel stuck and like nothing will ever be right again, but sometimes life works like this. Sometimes life has to hit rock bottom before it can move forward. I promise you that there will be joy, and when there is joy, appreciate it and love it fully. Everything will be alright again. You do have people who love and care about you. There are more people that you have not met who will love and care about you. You will keep growing and being a better version of yourself. And although life may have moments where it is tough, you will get through this because all rain has to end and the sun eventually has to come out again.