Forgiving ourselves can be difficult for a variety of reasons. Many of us have made mistakes throughout our lives. Some of these mistakes can haunt us for years. Other mistakes are repetitive. The mistakes keep happening with the same person or with different people at different stages in our lives. Below are some common scenarios where forgiving ourselves can feel almost impossible.
- Perhaps we hurt someone close to us, someone we love with all our hearts. Due to emotional pain, depression and other stresses we lashed out, pushed the person away and hurt the person unnecessarily. As a result we have lost the person we loved deeply or are fighting everyday to repair that pain.
- Maybe we have done something we never thought ourselves capable of doing and are now re-assessing our character. You have cheated on your partner and now feel like a horrible person not worthy of forgiveness. Maybe you have verbally insulted your parents, making you feel like the worst child on Earth. You found yourself being physically violent during an argument with a friend or loved one and are now coming to terms that you may have an issue. You stole money from a sibling and now your sibling wants nothing to do with you.
- A close friend to you is disappointed with you, hurt and feels like you have neglected them. You were completely unaware of how badly your actions hurt this person and now feel horrible and unworthy of forgiveness.
- Someone hurt you badly. As a reaction, you tried to hurt them back. Maybe you did something completely unlike yourself. Perhaps you hurt them back in the same way they hurt you, tried to seek revenge or did something else uncharacteristically you. As a result you feel like a bad person.
- Your life has become self-destructive. You’ve chosen a path of hardcore drugs, alcoholism and other addictions that have been slowly hurting you. As a result you feel like you cannot forgive yourself for these past actions.
- You didn’t do your part. Maybe you didn’t make any effort on a group project and took the credit for something that you didn’t help with. Maybe you didn’t go to couple’s counseling and now your marriage is falling apart. As a result you are facing severe consequences that are hurting your personal life and making you feel like you never tried hard enough.
Forgiving ourselves can seem impossible but there are ways to learn how to forgive yourself. Forgiveness is a process that requires patience and determination. You are capable of forgiving yourself so don’t lose hope. Follow these steps below to get you started on the journey of forgiving yourself.
1. Identify why you feel like you can’t forgive yourself. When we don’t want to forgive ourselves, it can be tough to actually focus on the real issue which can make you feel stuck. For instance, you might say that you were a horrible boyfriend and don’t deserve forgiveness from your partner. However, the real issue may be that you kept a few secrets from your partner and she doesn’t feel like she can trust you. Understand what exactly you did that needs to be forgiven. Don’t exaggerate or blame yourself for things outside of something you did. Focus on what the actual issue was.
2. Accept that you are not perfect and will make mistakes. One of the first steps to forgiving ourselves is letting go of unreasonable expectations that we are perfect. When I was a much younger I had very high standards for myself. It felt easy to say that I would never be the type to lie or hurt someone else. However, life gets complicated and we face situations where we are tested. As a result, there will be times where you will make mistakes. Making a mistake is okay because you are human. We are all imperfect creatures who will make mistakes. Mistakes help us grow, not take people for granted, learn and ultimately become a better person. Although the mistake you made may hurt you, there are lessons you can learn from this mistake to make things better in the future.
3. Reevaluate your values. Sometimes our actions are not in line with our values. You value honesty but you keep cheating on your exams. You don’t want to turn into an alcoholic like your parent, but you are susceptible to drinking too much. Focusing on what your values and morals are, will help you go in the right direction. When we aren’t being honest about our morals, we end up doing things that may not be in line with what are values are. Identifying your values and morals will help you realize that you can now focus on staying true to what you feel is right.
4. Reassess the expectations you have for yourself. Many of us have guilt or regret over our actions because we expect far too much from ourselves. In other words, our expectations for ourselves may be too unrealistic. For instance, maybe you are a perfectionist. You plan most things in your life, spend extra time to get everything 100% right and commit fully to projects and relationships in your life. Let’s say you go on a holiday, plan it fully. However, during this holiday things go slightly different than expected. Your hotel reservation had the incorrect dates, which was a slight mistake of your own. You break down in tears, get irritable at your partner, lash out at the hotel manager and have a horrible start to the trip. The expectations you have set for yourself are too high. As a result your expectations will not conform to reality and you will consistently be setting yourself up for disappointment. Everyone makes mistakes at some point. Having realistic expectations allows us to be more forgiving of ourselves when the occasional mistake happens.
5. Identify the ways you would approach the situation now. Understanding the ways you could approach a situation differently will help you realize that you have learned from the past. This process might also help you take additional steps necessary to ensure the mistake isn’t repeated. For instance, in the past I have not had the best reactions with anger. Understanding how I should react in the future propelled me to seek out resources that can help me better manage my anger. As a result, when angry I’ve developed some techniques to ensure I keep my control and not react in a way that will hurt another person and potentially destroy a relationship.
6. Share your pain with someone you trust. Doing something wrong can make us feel ashamed. The last thing you may want to do is talk about your pain. Tell the people you trust the most about what happened. As you let others know, you’ll realize that you aren’t alone in your pain. Other people make mistakes too. During a rough breakup, where I had done things I was not proud of, I had talked to a couple of friends about the situation. I was surprised to learn that these beautiful and wonderful people had made the same mistakes in the past. Sharing my pain with these friends was great because I learned that other people are capable of making these mistakes and can grow from them. You’ll also realize that there are people out there who support you and aren’t judgmental or critical of you. Furthermore, your loved ones may give you different perspectives. For instance, when I discussed how I responded during a breakup, a friend was able to make me see that I was not being rational at the time and potentially had issues with co-dependency. As a result, I was able to pinpoint some of the issues that may have led to me acting in ways that I was not proud of.
7. Apologize. If you have hurt someone, then a good first step is to apologize. Apologize without any expectations. Don’t expect a reconciliation, a new start to a friendship, complete forgiveness from this other person or anything. Give a sincere apology in person or through a way that you feel is heartfelt and meaningful. An apology will help give the situation some closure and allow both you and the person you hurt to move forward.
8. Do good. A great way to move forward is to start making things right. Again, don’t have any expectations but do this out of kindness. Trust takes time to rebuild so be patient. If you owe someone money, then start paying this person back. If someone has always gone out of their way for you, start returning the favor. Start incorporating kindness in your day-to-day life. You don’t just have to be kind to the person you wronged. Do something kind for many people life. As you embrace a lifestyle of being kind, you’ll start to see the positive way you are impacting the people in your life. You’ll start to see yourself as the person you are now, rather than focusing on the mistakes that you have made in the past.
9. Practice forgiveness. Forgiving yourself is much easier when you forgive other people. Try letting in people who have hurt you in the past and have learned from their mistakes. You can either befriend someone again or forgive them silently. Forgiving someone silently can be just as effective. I’ve recently forgiven someone who I never thought I could forgive so easily. This person has no idea that I have forgiven them but forgiving them internally and truly wishing them happiness has given me freedom to more easily forgive myself and others.
9. Take personal responsibility. Feeling like you can’t forgive yourself can come from not being accountable for what happened. Being accountable also makes you realize and understand that you are the cause of your problems and the solutions in your life. For instance, a few days ago a friend confessed that she felt guilty and horrible for dropping off the map for 10 months. She gave me a variety of reasons such as social anxiety and feeling like she just can’t do anything and I’ll just have to accept it. Her reaction was not taking personal accountability for dropping off the map. We discussed things further and finally she admitted that she could have done something about going missing in action, and developed reasons and why that happened. From there we came up with a solution so that this situation is less likely to occur. Get into the habit of being accountable for your actions. Accountability will help you come up with solutions.
10. Accept the past. None of us can erase the past, but we can all come to a place where we accept that the past happened. Your experiences don’t define you, but you wouldn’t be who you are today without those experiences. Once you accept the past, you can focus all your energy on the present instead. You’ll be able to appreciate the lessons you have learned from the past and move forward.
11. Develop self-love. Build yourself up by practicing self-love. Be kind to yourself. Accept that you are an amazing person who is capable of making mistakes and that’s okay. Accept that you have the strength to be able to find solutions too. Speak to yourself with compassion, understanding and love. Utilize other tools such as therapy if that will help you rid any negative thoughts that may be preventing you from truly loving yourself.
Forgiveness takes time and patience. Don’t lose hope and remember that not being able to forgive yourself only makes the situation worse. Forgiving yourself allows you to accept the past, learn from your mistakes and move forward.