For many years I’ve battled with a negative voice in my head. This internal voice often makes me focus on the negativity in life, awakens insecurities and fears and makes me assume the worst about the people who love me. All of us have battled with our own internal voices at times. Sometimes these voices appear after a horrible event such as a job loss, death of a loved one or a slew of rejections. Other times life can seem to be going great, and then suddenly the negative voice appears causing us to doubt the good things happening.
For many people, including myself, the question is not how do I get rid of the thoughts but how do I manage these negative thoughts. I realized years ago that trying to get rid of these thoughts completely is futile. When life is going great or I’m busy, these thoughts are minimal and I feel like I’ve finally conquered them. Yet life is unpredictable. There will be negative experiences and sometimes we will make mistakes which might trigger the thoughts. If you can’t manage your negative thoughts, you’ll have anxiety, fear, see things from a negative light and you’ll be unable to move forward. Negative thoughts could eventually lead to clinical depression and even suicidal thoughts if left unchecked.
Below are 11 ways to silence negative thoughts that I’ve learned so far.
1. Negative thoughts are often incorrect and useless. This negative voice very rarely speaks the truth. Your negative voice might say that you are ugly and unlovable. However, that’s not true. Matter of fact, you have people who love you and think you are beautiful. Negative thoughts may make you feel angry, betrayed or humiliated by people who have your best interests at heart. You might start to hate your boss, even though your boss genuinely respects and values you. Negative thoughts may cause you to push away loved ones and wildly misinterpret their loving actions towards you. The reason these misinterpretations happen is because the negative thoughts aren’t speaking the truth or giving you useful information. Acknowledge that your negative thoughts are meant to feed yourself lies and statements that will hurt you, and that will give you more power to see negative thoughts for what they truly are.
2. Be aware of when you are having negative thoughts. One of the most challenging things with managing negativity, is being aware that you are being negative. For instance, let’s say you just received a text from a first date, saying that they had a great time but realized that you aren’t a good match. Feeling down about this message might lead you to focus on recent rejections, how long you’ve been single for, how things ended horribly with your ex-partner and so on. Eventually these thoughts can spiral out of control to where you feel like you aren’t lovable, attractive and how the world is completely against you. Negative thoughts can easily get outside of our control when we aren’t aware of them. Be aware of when these thoughts are happening to prevent it from taking you further.
3. Distance yourself emotionally from the negative thoughts. Many of us have a very strong emotional reaction to these thoughts. We might immediately break down into tears, lash out in anger unexpectedly or start canceling plans. Although it can be very difficult to stop yourself from emotionally reacting, a good way to start is to take calm and deep breaths. Give yourself permission to take some space from these thoughts and deal with them later. For instance, one thing I try to do is to not react emotionally at night. For instance, I might get angry or sad due to a negative thought. However, when I go to sleep and wake up in the morning, I’m usually feeling much better and more realistic about the thought. Try to understand your patterns. If you find yourself more emotionally reactive during a specific time of day, a location or around certain people, then try to give yourself some distance and space to process the thought.
4. Accept that the negative voice only has one point of view, the negative one. That inner voice can seem so strong that we start to believe that whatever those negative thoughts are have to be the reality or the truth. Truthfully, the negative voice will always be promoting one point of view about your life. You can’t expect that your inner negative voice will suddenly be a realistic and positive voice filled with truths and wisdom. I’m sure you have met someone that tends to rub you and everyone else the wrong way. This person might be very opinionated, ignorant, bigoted, prejudice and unwilling to budge on their viewpoints. That negative inner voice is the same way as that kind of person. The negative voice only has one point of view, but luckily we are all capable of coming up with other viewpoints.
5. Be realistic. Negative thoughts come from something that may or may not be true, but almost always, the actual thought is completely false and a huge exaggeration of a situation. Maybe your negative thoughts are calling you a loser because you haven’t been promoted in several years. How exactly are you a loser? For instance, you have a full-time job, or a supportive spouse, a wonderful passion or hobby that you love or an amazing support network. You might be respected by your colleagues or maybe you know you could get hired elsewhere if you put your resume out there. Question your negative thoughts. As you begin to really question your negativity and think about those thoughts, you’ll start to realize that these negative thoughts are usually inaccurate.
6. Try to avoid making interpretations when feeling negatively. For instance, you might assume that someone is blowing you off because they haven’t texted you back right away. You might get angry at your partner because she hasn’t been listening to you like she usually does the past couple of days. Negative thoughts tend to exaggerate the dynamic of our relationships. As a result, we end up sabotaging the very things we value due to wanting to believe negative thoughts. A great way I have tried handling not making interpretations is being open with loved ones I trust. For instance, if I’m feeling hurt, I take a deep breath and let the loved one know I’ve been feeling a bit negatively lately and have been interpreting situations in a negative and most likely false way. I also might imagine the situation was happening to a friend asking me for advice. If a friend asked me if I should be worried because someone hasn’t replied to a message in several hours, I would tell them no, nothing to be alarmed by. Our minds can easily create problems that only exist within our heads. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is happening in your mind, and isn’t necessarily true.
7. Manage expectations. An internal negative voice can become too strong when we hold onto unrealistic expectations. For instance, we might assume everyone is a mind reader. You might get angry because your friend forgot you were having lunch today and you think she doesn’t care about you. However, maybe she forgot because she was very busy and had a very stressful work day. You might be hurt by your partner and doubting the relationship because you both have been having arguments this week. However, arguments are often a sign of a healthy relationship and another outlet to express your own individual needs and wants. When you manage your expectations, you’ll start to experience less negative thoughts as a result. Life doesn’t go perfectly and will often not meet our expectations. People will disappoint us at times and even you will not meet someone’s expectations at some point. When you start seeing the world more realistically, you will find there are less ways you can react negatively to a situation. It’s perfectly okay to have expectations but keep in mind that your expectations may not be realistic.
8. Embrace the positive thoughts. As you realize that your negative thoughts aren’t realistic, you’ll likely stumble upon many positive realizations. For instance, let’s say you can accept that you have people in your life who love you. Focus on the fact that you have people who care and love you, who support you, are always there for you and so on. Try to see yourself through their eyes. Remind yourself of all your great attributes.
9. See the positive within rejection. Rejection or criticism can make the inner negative voice feel powerful. Your manager telling you that the project you’ve devoted the last 3 months to is useless to the company can sting. A partner telling you that she is disappointed in you can hurt tremendously. Instead of feeling worthless, try to see a negative situation from a different light. A manager being disappointed by a project could be a reflection of the manager not noticing certain aspects of the project that you must bring to light or an opportunity to improve a project. A disappointed partner does not mean that she doesn’t love you anymore, but is an opportunity to make the relationship even better.
10. Seek help. Conquering negative thoughts is not easy to handle by ourselves. In the past, when I felt negativity had too much of a hold on my life, I had to seek out therapy. Talking this out with a therapist helped me find a long-term solution for dealing with this problem. There may be times where you can handle negativity on your own. For instance, feeling down for a week about things may not be a sign that you need therapy. However, if you’ve been struggling with negative thoughts for weeks or months, then seeking outside help may be mandatory. If you find your life and relationships are being negatively influenced from negative thinking, then it is probably time for you to actively seek help. If you are having any suicidal thoughts, even if you don’t intend to act on these thoughts, you must seek help immediately.
11. You are not alone. Negative thoughts has a tendency to make us feel like we are alone in our feelings. Everyone struggles with negative thoughts at time. Although you may feel hurt and alone, you aren’t. Everyone has anxieties and insecurities about life. Keep this in mind and use this fact as inspiration to think positively. If other people can get past their negative internal voices, then so can you.
You are not your thoughts. All of us deal with negative thoughts at some point in our lives. However, understanding that negative thoughts aren’t actually a reflection of you will help you focus on the real issues. The better you can handle these negative thoughts, the more you’ll find that negative becomes weaker and weaker. You will also be able to see how wonderful life can be. Sure, life will not always be perfect and many things are outside of our control but overall life is good. How do you cope with your negative thoughts?