Dating can be really tough. One of my biggest hurdles going into a date is trying to be positive about the date. Many of us have had good dates but typically unsuccessful dates tend to be more common in the dating world. Many of us have good intentions. We know what we want, have a lot of great things to offer to a partner and just want some great dating experiences. Even if the date ends up not resulting in a long term relationship, most of us want positive experiences overall.
Unfortunately many of us have dealt with manipulative or hurtful dates which have left us feeling hurt and unsure if we will ever find a partner. As a result, some of us go into dates searching for red flags. We start questioning a person’s intentions before letting our guards down and really opening up to love. You might meet a great girl but she seems a bit distant at first and takes longer to respond to texts than you are used to. After awhile you wonder if she’s just stringing you along just like the last girl did. You meet a fun, likable and cool guy. You laugh easily around him and he’s super cute. You start to wonder if he’s a player just because that’s how you felt around other guys who ended up being players in the past.
The worst thing about going into a date without a positive mindset is you could potentially sabotage a great relationship before it even begins. Many of us like to believe that the right person will be patient with us because of our emotional issues and history. While that may be true to some degree, remember that everyone has emotional baggage. Although your heart may be true, sometimes your actions could come off the wrong way and turn people off. You might not open up easily because you are scared of getting hurt which makes your date think that you don’t like her. Being paranoid about what a guy is doing when he’s not around you can come across as possessive and needy to the right guy. A guy or gal may think you are not serious about dating if you never admit to liking them and never initiate dates. Having a negative attitude increases the risk of the date going poorly.
Fortunately there are some great ways to continue dating positively while not letting your fears overrule your behaviors. Below are some ways you can approach dating with a positive attitude.
1. Initiate a date. A negative attitude can set in when you aren’t being approached by people you find interesting. Many people out there may be less experienced with dating. There may be a person out there who you genuinely like but hasn’t yet approached you. This can happen quite a bit with women specifically. You meet a guy, think he’s great and he happens to be single. This guy could be a close friend, your cute neighbor, coworker crush or a guy whose online profile you enjoyed reading. Yet he never asks you out. Sometimes people don’t read the signals or maybe think you just view them as a friend. For all you know this person could be so intimidated by your awesomeness, that he is a bit afraid of asking you out. Don’t be afraid to plan a date. The same goes during the dating process. You might have went out on several dates and have gotten accustomed to the other person asking you out and planning dates. When you don’t initiate a date you may be coming off as unenthusiastic about the person. Try to initiate a date, especially if you have already been out on several dates.
2. Be realistic. Try to go into a date with little expectations. You and your date may have hit it off online, but sometimes clicking on a dating website does not translate in real life. A person may be charismatic and fun online but lacking in those areas when you finally meet. You may have met a great girl at the bar last week, but the tone may be less relaxed and enjoyable during the work week and without any alcohol. Treat every date as an opportunity to learn more about a person and to potentially further the connection. Try to not fantasize about whether this person is going to be your next serious relationship or have high expectations about what the date will entail. When you set realistic expectations, you will be less likely to be disappointed and you’ll take the pressure off the other person. Keep in mind that the actual person may not be able to compete with your expectations of how you hope the date will go. Do yourself and your date a favor by not having high hopes or fantasies about the upcoming date.
3. Work on you. Don’t make the mistake of feeling like dating is the right solution for you at this point in your life. You may not have a positive attitude towards dating because of the discontentment in your life. For instance, what are your motivations for having a relationship? Meeting someone so that you can feel happy or because you believe all your problems will be resolved when you find love, is a sign that you are approaching dating with the wrong attitude. Think about the person you want to find. Is she a woman who has her act together and is loving life? Can you say the same about yourself or are you hoping that meeting a woman like that will bring out your good sides? Again, that is the wrong attitude to dating. There are points in our lives where we need to be single. Yes, we may miss the comforts of being in a relationship but you need to develop yourself first. If you find yourself really discontent with the dating process, you might want to consider taking a break. Who knows, you might find you meet someone awesome when you are just going out and enjoying yourself.
4. Give people a chance. When you aren’t positive, you sometimes build an image of how you think a date will go before it began. A couple of years ago I met a guy who gave off signs he was a player. I went into the date a bit nervous but told myself, what the heck, I’ll give it a shot. I went on the date and had a fun time just getting to know someone new without over-reading everything he did and constantly having my guard up. I didn’t have any bad experiences because I wasn’t going into the date trying to look for red flags that this guy was indeed a player or making the guy work at showing me he wasn’t a player. I went into the date just to give this a guy a chance. We went on several dates and although I’m not sure if he was a player or not, I definitely did not get played and I enjoyed all the dates and don’t regret the experience. Give a person a chance. You don’t have to go on a second date if you aren’t feeling it but give someone a chance. Attraction may arise once you get to know someone or you may realize that your intuition was right all along. If you suspect someone might be a little dodgy, give them one date to prove you wrong and part ways if you still feel a bad vibe.
5. Have boundaries. Setting boundaries is very important to keeping a positive attitude. Sometimes bad dates happen from us not setting boundaries. For instance, when red flags arise you might choose to ignore it. A girl seemed lackluster on all the dates, ignored several of your texts but you continued to pursue her and ended up being disappointed with the whole situation. When you have boundaries you don’t allow the situation to get to that point. When a person ignores one text message, you simply move on to the next dating prospect and have faith that a person who is interested will reach out to you or respond in her own time. Set boundaries and stand by them. If a date keeps canceling on you, and without legitimate reasons such as an emergency, then let them go. When a date never responds to your text, cut him off and move on. If you are not ready for intimacy, but are feeling pressured, then put the brakes on and move on. The right person will respect that you need time to feel comfortable being intimate. When you catch your date in lies, accept that she’s not a good match and move on. Boundaries allow you to be in control. Boundaries help protect us from getting hurt by a dating experience.
6. Don’t compromise on your highest criteria for a partner but do compromise on the other things. Some of us have a habit of chasing after a date that is very attractive and makes us feel a spark even if she does not treat us with respect or kindness. Prioritize what is most important to you. For many of us, we want a partner with similar values, respects us, is kind and genuine. Do not compromise on the qualities you most value in a partner. However, be wary of never straying from your typical type. For instance you generally go for the fun and extroverted women but don’t pay much attention to the quiet and introverted type. You may love the charismatic guy and tend to ignore the guy who takes awhile to get out of his shell. Step out of your type and be open to dating people who are a bit different to what you normally go for. However, never compromise on the things that are essential to finding the right partner for you.
7. Look for the positives. A negative attitude places way too much emphasis on the negative than the good. You might have a great date but one thing that seems a bit incompatible could immediately make you write this person off as a date. One of my friends told me how he went on a date with a beautiful, sweet and intelligent woman. He liked her but he had doubts because she seemed a little insecure on the date. My friend had an intense fear of dating a woman who was needy and didn’t have a life on her own so this insecurity came off as a red flag. Realistically, the girl ended up not being insecure, she was just nervous as it was the first few dates. Everybody handles dates differently and some people may be nervous or worried about looking bad that they don’t reveal their fun side, awesome sense of humor or the side that could make you potentially fall for them right away. Some people make lame jokes out of nervousness which may turn you off a little but might not be characteristic to this person. Focus on the good sides of a person. Don’t discount red flags but keep in mind that you cannot fully know someone after a first date. If you had a good date overall, the person is likely worth a second or third date so that you can know your feelings about the person.
8. View each date as a learning experience. A good way to keep a positive attitude is to view each good and bad date as a learning experience. Sometimes bad dates teach us about some ways we may be approaching romance incorrectly. Several years ago I tried an approach with online dating where I replied to pretty much everyone on the dating site. This was a trial run that I did for a couple of weeks. I had several dates lined up with this approach and every single one was a bad date. Although these dates weren’t great, I learned that the quality of messages that someone sends me is a pretty good indicator of whether or not we would get along. I’ve had good dates where the guy ended up not being interested enough to continue dating me. Although being rejected did hurt, those situations did give me some insight into myself such as not having high expectations too early on or realizing that it is a waste of time to spend so much time wondering why a seemingly good date wasn’t interested to continue pursuing things with me.
9. Strengthen self-love. As you work on loving yourself, you’ll find that you can easily manage the obstacles that come with dating. Loving yourself allows you to realize that you are already complete without another person. You don’t need anyone else to be happy. Sure, you want love to supplement your happiness but it isn’t necessary. As a result, you will have less expectations with dating and can view each date as an opportunity to meet someone new.
Happiness is not dependent on finding a partner. When you allow yourself to let go of high expectations and focus on enjoying your life, with or without a partner, you will find that keeping a positive attitude about dating is easier. Finding the right person is a challenge but it isn’t impossible. Keeping a positive attitude will attract positivity and allow you to handle some of the awesome and not so great moments of dating. Being cynical may be easy to do when dating but staying positive will only benefit you. You do deserve love and keeping a positive attitude will help you find love within yourself and with another.